I smile to myself, remembering the first night Thorne and I sat up together and talked. I reach for my phone reflexively, but I stop myself before I even start typing a text. They’re probably showering and settling in at home just like I am. Or maybe they fell straight into bed together as soon as I dropped them off, and they’re planning to spend the whole night wrapped up in each other.
The image of them sharing a moment like that alone makes my stomach flutter and twist at the same time. We agreed to give this polyamory thing a try together, but there’s still the chance that their history will win out, and they’ll decide a traditional relationship, just the two of them, is easier.
I don’t like uncertainty, I’ve never been very good at it, but I can’t see any way around it here. The only way to find out if this thing between the three of us will work is just to go for it and see what happens. Maybe it will turn into heartbreak, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
* * *
HAWTHORNE
Almost as soon as Aldis’s truck disappeared from sight, leaving Bowen and I alone at the house again after a long, sweaty weekend together, I felt off-kilter.
I putter around the kitchen, not really doing anything, just trying to keep my hands busy. Have I lost my fucking mind? Who the hell agrees to a relationship with not one but two men when their sexuality is a giant question mark? It made so much sense out there in the woods where the three of us were connecting so well.
“You freaking out?” Bowen’s voice makes me jump, nearly startling me into dropping the plate I’m in the middle of putting away.
“Why would you think that?”
He steps into the kitchen, his presence seeming to fill up the space as he moves closer to me.
“Because the only time you do any cleaning is when you’re freaking out.”
I finish putting the clean dishes away and spin around to face him, channeling my inner Aldis and deciding to get it all out on the table.
“I’m wondering if Aldis has some kind of Jedi mind powers,” I confess, and we both softly laugh.
“Do you regret saying yes? Because, you know, this isn’t a binding contractual agreement or anything. If you thought you wanted this, but now you don’t, then say it, and everything can go back to the way it always was.”
I lean against the counter, chewing over his words while Bowen hovers a few inches away. Do I want to slam on the brakes? My gut instantly rejects the idea of undoing anything or going backward from where we are. I want this. I may be fucking terrified and so far out of my depth that I couldn’t see the shore if my life depended on it, but I want this.
I remember Aldis kissing me on the cheek in the tent, unrepentantly, simply because he felt like it. Without giving myself time to overthink it, I push myself off the counter, launching myself toward Bowen.
Just like before, he stops me before I can get my lips anywhere near his, putting a hand against my chest and turning his head. My heart sinks, disappointment morphing quickly into a hot rush of irritation.
“It looks like you’re the one having second thoughts about things,” I grit through a clenched jaw.
He knits his eyebrows together. “I haven’t changed my mind about you.”
I scoff, the sound even harsher than I intend it to come out, but fuck it, I don’t want to dance around this. That’s what relationships are about, right? Communication, honesty…Bowen played us one of his podcasts, and that’s what the guy kept saying. So, we’re going to fucking communicate.
“You let me stick my dick in you, but if my mouth gets anywhere near yours, you flinch. I can put my tongue in your asshole but not in your mouth?”
I don’t realize his hand is still pressed firmly against my chest until he curls his fingers around the fabric of my shirt, his whole expression tightening.
“It’s not like that,” he answers hoarsely.
“What’s it like then?” I challenge. “Because you don’t seem to have any issue with kissing Aldis, only me. Do you only like me for sex? What is it? Just fucking tell me.” My voice crumbles at the end, the last sentence coming out in an embarrassingly needy plea.
“It’s because I’ve been in love with you half my fucking life, and I’m terrified that if I let you kiss me and you end up changing your mind, I won’t survive it.”
I let his words wash over me, twisting and squeezing things inside of me. I know he said he was jealous of my girlfriends in the past, but I figured he had a crush on me or was jealous because he wanted to be the one naked and sweaty with me. Bowen is in love with me?
My heart forces its way into my throat, a feeling of desperation rising right along with it. Of course Bowen’s in love with me. We’ve been each other’s ride or die since we could walk. That’s why I’ve half-assed every other damn relationship I’ve ever had. None of them held a candle to him.
I press forward again, snagging him by the back of the neck. He doesn’t stop me this time. His hand is still on my chest, but he doesn’t use it to push me away. He uses it to pull me closer.
Our mouths crash together roughly, the flicker of desperation his words lit inside me fanning into full flames at the feeling of his lips against mine, hot and soft, parting willingly for my tongue. He grunts, the sound vibrating around my tongue as he tightens his grasp on my shirt as if he’s afraid I’m going to suddenly run away. Fat fucking chance.
When we break the kiss, both our chests are heaving with heavy breaths. I rest my forehead against his and close my eyes, so I can take a second to process the rush of emotions overwhelming me.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I promise him. “I think I’m in love with you too.”
* * *
BOWEN
I’m in a daze as Thorne and I stumble onto the couch, lips locked and tongues tangled again. I can feel the hard press of his erection against mine, but neither of us seems all that motivated to do anything more than kiss.
I was right. Now that I know what his mouth feels like against mine, there’s no way I can go back without being completely destroyed.
Worth it.
“Would it be totally lame to suggest we watch a movie and cuddle?” he asks, and I chuckle.
“Why would that be lame? It sounds fucking perfect.” The smell of my own stank reaches my nose, and I wrinkle it. “Scratch that, shower first, then cuddling and a movie.”
“Good call.” Thorne gets up off the couch and offers me his hand. “Let’s go shower.”
I arch an eyebrow at him. “We’re showering together?”
“We’re in love. We do everything together now,” he says dramatically.
“I’m not sure that’s how that works, but I can get on board with a shower. No funny business though. I’m fucking wrecked after this weekend,” I warn. It also feels weird to mess around with Thorne without talking with Aldis again about all of this.
Does my accidental love confession and Thorne’s surprising reciprocation change anything with Aldis? I try to imagine letting him go and putting everything into this new chapter with my best friend, but my heart immediately rejects the idea, clenching painfully. I’m not quite there with Aldis yet, but I don’t want to give him up.