‘I understand that, my love, I do. I told you already, no need to come. You’re doing so well, Merrin, just keep your head up and keep feeling better. I need you to do that for me.’
‘I will, Mum.’
Merrin held the phone long after the call had ended, feeling very far away. The thought of going home made her knees weak.
‘You are a coward, Merrin,’ she whispered under her breath, knowing that she would heed her mum’s words and not go back to Port Charles. With this knowledge came nothing but the sweet, sweet relief that she was not going to have to face the demons that lurked around every corner, but this was followed immediately by the smack of guilt in her face.
‘Good morning, Merrin!’ Lionel said with his usual jollity. ‘I’m looking for Vanya?’
‘I haven’t seen her yet, sorry, Lionel. But I’ll go see if I can find her, if you like?’ She looked up.
‘Not at all. I can do that. Oh dear, are you upset? Have I interrupted you?’ His face coloured and he wrung his hands, as though he might in some way be responsible for her distress. She wiped her tears and found a level of professionalism that would keep her sadness at bay, for now.
‘I’ve just had a bit of sad news.’ She raised the phone. ‘My mum called to say my gran has passed away.’ She bit down to stop her bottom lip from trembling as the words sunk in.
Lionel stepped forward and put his podgy hand on her arm. ‘Merrin, I am so very sorry to hear that. Rotten news, entirely rotten. A certainty, and yet always a shock. Of course, take all the time you need. We’ll manage.’
His kindness only served to encourage her tears. ‘I think I’m better off working, to be honest. Keep my mind busy.’ This had served her well in the past: head down, ploughing on . . .
‘I understand that, a diversion.’
‘Yes.’ She gave a watery smile. ‘A diversion.’
Although Merrin remained distracted, with a dull echo of sadness belying her fixed smile, the day passed quickly, as they often did, with the hours blurring into each other, punctuated only by snatched coffee breaks and a foodless lunch hour spent crying quietly in her room at the loss of her beloved Granny Ellen. Heather texted to say that an initial call had been made to Mr Newcombe, the funeral director, and plans were afoot for a small, intimate send-off, as per her gran’s explicit instructions.
Walking the grounds now at dusk, she gathered her thoughts and breathed deeply in an attempt to quell the disconcerting rise of unease that swelled inside her. Her mother’s understanding of just how hard it was for her to return to Port Charles simultaneously eased her worry and fired arrows of remorse through her heart. The fact that she had missed the opportunity to see her Granny Ellen one last time filled her with a deep, unshakeable regret, which weighed heavily. It was yet another sorrow she lay at the Mortimers’ door. Screwing her eyes shut, she pictured Loretta in her finery and felt the ache of distress in her gut. The Mortimers were the reason she lived away, they were the reason she hadn’t got to sit and drink tea with her gran in what was to be her final year.
Her sister’s phone number flashed up on her screen.
‘Hey, Rubes.’ Knowing she was in good company, her sadness came to the surface and Merrin welcomed the chance to talk about it. She sank down on to the carpet of soft grass beneath the low, broad boughs of the spreading cedar tree at the back of the garden and leant heavily against its trunk, taking comfort from it.
‘Really? Is this a joke?’
Her sister’s opener sent a spike of nervous adrenaline that lanced any boil of fatigue. Merrin was now wide awake, with her heart beating quickly.
‘Why are you saying that?’ She wondered if Ruby was intentionally addressing her, or whether her sister had misdialled.
‘Mum’s just told me you’re not coming back for Gran’s funeral! What the hell?’
‘I . . . I can’t, Ruby.’ This was true. She was a mess at the thought of going back, enough to feel the rise of nausea at the idea. ‘I want to.’ This, too, was fact, she did, but even now a cold film of sweat covered her skin and her limbs shook.
‘Well, you’d never know it; you haven’t set foot back here since you left.’ Her sister’s reply was sharp and unexpected.
Merrin felt a flash of anger towards her. ‘Are you being serious? You think I don’t want to come home?’
‘A whole year, Merrin!’
‘I have a job, I work long—’
‘Yeah, yeah, we all have jobs. We all work long shifts and we all have to squeeze in what’s important around those jobs, and I would have thought what was important was getting back here to check on Mum and Dad, as Gran has just died! You’re in Thornbury, not Guatemala.’ The air crackled with the beginnings of a fight. Merrin hated the accusation, which was as unfair as it was hurtful.
‘Check on them? What are you talking about? I call them all the time, chat to them and—’
‘Right! Because that’s the same as sitting at the table and having a cup of tea with them, giving them a hug. The odd phone call . . .’ Ruby raised her voice.
‘It’s not the odd phone call! I call most days! Jesus, Ruby, the way you’re having a go at me, and you wonder why I stay away?’
‘So you do stay away? At least you admit it,’ Ruby yelled.
‘God, you are twisting what I said! Don’t you think that things are hard enough for us today as it is?’
‘Actually, Merrin, I do understand things are hard!’
‘Why are you so mad at me? Because I escaped and you’re still stuck there in Mum and Dad’s back bedroom? You’ve always been jealous.’ The words were hurtful and came from an ugly root of envy at the fact that Merrin did not get to wake up each day in the place she loved. No amount of peacocks on the lawn could make up for that, especially not today.
‘Shut the fuck up.’
‘You shut the fuck up, Ruby!’ Merrin’s heart beat a little too quickly and her hands shook as a lump of raw emotion stoppered her throat. The words would have been hurtful enough if shared with a stranger, but the fact that this was her sister, who she loved . . .
‘Fucking hell, Merrin, you are clueless! You created a bloody tsunami with that Mortimer prick that swamped us all. Mum and Dad saved for months! Week after week of going without just to give you the perfect day – and all for nothing, and then you just sod off to your fancy castle and leave us to pick up the pieces!’
‘Why are you saying that now?’ she almost squeaked. ‘You think I don’t feel guilty enough about Mum and Dad paying out for a wedding that never happened? I’m paying them back each month! And you think I would have chosen to be left standing there like an idiot? You think that was a picnic for me? And yes, I went away, left everything and everyone I love. I couldn’t stand to be the girl everyone was talking about, whispering about, pointing at and feeling sorry for! The new Lizzie Lick! Having to walk past the house I nearly lived in and seeing the man I nearly married! Can you imagine? And yes, I live in a castle, but it’s just any other hotel. I don’t lie around while people bring me grapes – I work hard, bloody hard! I fall into bed at night so tired—’
‘Yeah, we know how hard you’ve had it,’ Ruby tutted. ‘Mum couldn’t exactly go back to cleaning for old Ma Mortimer, could she? Not after that, and so she lost a big chunk of her monthly money and things have been tight. Really tight. And you might not have been able to stand people whispering about you, pointing at you, but do you think that stopped because you weren’t here? Did it fuckery! It’s always about poor Merry.’ She swallowed. ‘You created havoc and then swanned off into the sunset!’