Not that she would be mentioning anything Dutch upon her return. It was not long after Granny Ellen’s death that Bella had found herself single and pregnant. Abandoned by Luuk, her handsome Dutchman with whom she had enjoyed a short-lived but all-consuming fling. He was, it turned out, big on promises, but a little short on delivery. Merrin was proud of how her friend was coping as a single mum and couldn’t wait to see her. It had been hard and isolating, offering advice and following her pregnancy remotely.
‘I wish I could be with you . . .’
‘Me too . . .’
And now she watched Miguel grip the passenger seat – this before they had even hit the motorway.
‘You need to relax – you being a nervous passenger makes me a nervous driver.’
‘Oh, great, that’s all I need to know. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I have to travel in this noisy old bone-shaker of a car!’
Merrin gasped and ran her hand over the dashboard. ‘Don’t listen to him, Vera Wilma Brown!’
‘You are the only person I know whose car has a first, middle and last name.’
‘Maybe you know the wrong kind of people,’ she teased to cover her nerves, which she feared were obvious.
‘Maybe I do.’
‘I promise to deliver you safely if you apologise for calling her a bone-shaker. I can tell she’s offended.’ She pumped the accelerator to make the car jump a little.
‘I really don’t want to.’ He folded his arms, his phone in his hand.
‘Well, that’s your choice, but it costs nothing to be nice, Miguel!’
‘Jesus! I’m sorry,’ he mumbled.
‘Sorry, Vera Wilma Brown,’ she enunciated, throwing him a hard look.
‘Sorry, Vera Wilma Brown!’ he yelled.
It made Merrin laugh. ‘See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? And now we’re all happy!’ She beamed.
‘Are we all happy?’ he asked gently.
She nodded. ‘I’m painting on my happy face and hoping my guts catch up. I’ve got to do this. I should do this.’ She was wary of letting on just how petrified she was. It was a big deal. She and Ruby needed to reknit their closeness and Merrin figured there was no better way to do so than with her sister’s nuptials as their backdrop. Going home for the first time was nerve-wracking enough, but to attend a wedding? She shivered. On top of this she was taking home a boy, knowing that her parents would interpret this as a serious statement, whereas it was in fact anything but. Miguel was simply her handsome beau, on whom she could lean during this trying trip. She hoped that her family, or Miguel himself for that matter, would not get the wrong message, and was anxious about how she might manage that.
‘Okay.’ He squeezed her leg. ‘Did we get journey snacks?’ He sounded endearingly like a child.
‘Journey snacks? You had a monstrous breakfast not an hour ago and we have only been going for minutes! You can’t possibly need snacks!’
‘Well, I don’t right now, but I like to plan what I’m going to eat on the journey.’
‘I have snacks,’ she reassured. ‘But if I didn’t, I know Mum will have baked for us; wedding or not, she won’t miss the opportunity to have you fawn over her chocolate brownies.’ She felt a surge of excitement at the thought of seeing her mum. It had been too long.
Heather Kellow might only have been three hours away, but with work commitments, the fact that she didn’t drive and was loath to leave Port Charles, where she had been in turn looking after Granny Ellen, supporting Ben after the death of his mother and then planning for Ruby’s wedding, it had been hard to make a plan to travel to Thornbury. And that was before the cost of such an excursion was taken into consideration. Plus, with Merrin regularly promising to make the trip, no one, Merrin included, could have envisaged a whole two years passing before she jumped in Vera Wilma Brown and headed home.
‘It’s one of the only reasons I agreed to come. I love home cooking.’
‘Charming! You mean you’re not looking forward to seeing my sister get wed?’
‘It’s not that, it’s more the sleeping arrangements I object to.’ He sucked air through his teeth at the horror of it.
Merrin chuckled, having explained to him they would have to sleep in the tiny single beds on opposite sides of her childhood bedroom, where soft toys and boxes of Lego sat on the shelves and her parents slept on the other side of the wall. Her sister had moved into Granny Ellen’s cottage next door not long after she had died and Jarvis had joined her almost immediately. Miguel had been informed in no uncertain terms that he was forbidden from crossing the gap between the two beds, as the slightest creak on the floorboard could almost guarantee her dad coming through the door with an axe. Okay, so she had made the axe bit up, but she hoped it served the purpose, encouraging him to stay put until daybreak.
‘Two nights, Miguel,’ she reminded him. ‘Just two nights out of three hundred and sixty-five. I’m sure you’ll manage.’
Both fell silent as the car trundled on to the motorway. Merrin felt a roll of nausea as she remembered where they were headed. The quiet was no good for her nervous musings.
‘Penny for them?’ she asked as he stared at her. ‘What are you thinking? I can hear your cogs turning.’
‘I was thinking how beautiful you always look and how I love the way you wear your hair and how lucky I am. I hope you know that, Merrin. We’re always so busy at work, I guess I don’t always take the time to tell you how amazing you are or to perform romantic gestures.’
‘I don’t need romantic gestures. I really, really don’t.’ She reached over and briefly found his hand, knowing how empty and hollow those gestures and words could be. Digby’s words floated unbidden into her mind: I’m happier sitting here on a patch of grass with this view than at any other time in my life . . . You make me happy because you love me no matter what . . . ‘But thank you, Miguel. You make me feel great.’ This was the truth, but still she was able to maintain emotional distance, tucking a small part of her heart away for safekeeping.
‘I hope I always do. I want your family to know that I will always look after you.’
She gave a brief nod and swallowed back the same old rhetoric that he was not to think too far ahead, not to rely on her emotionally; there were only so many times she could push the point. His was a statement that spoke of long-term intentions and caused her pulse to flutter. She was not at that point, not even close. ‘I think they’d prefer to know that you support me while I look after myself.’
‘’Course, but I still think it’s nice that I want to look after you. I love you.’
As ever, she found it hard to offer reciprocal words. ‘Don’t worry, it’ll pass!’ she laughed.
‘I wouldn’t be too sure about that.’
She could feel his gaze on the side of her face, but kept her eyes on the road. Merrin had never been anything other than honest with him, knowing how shitty it was when one of you thought you were heading in one direction while the other had an entirely different plan. The first time they had had such an earnest discussion, tears had accompanied her words as she explained how it had felt to be sitting in the vestry, knowing she was going to have to venture outside and face the music and how her heart broke as she drove away from the gossip, the scandal and her beloved Port Charles, which grew smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror. How there were days when it felt easier not to think about the place and all that she might be missing, just to be able to function.