“You think we can do it?” Zander asked.
“We’ll find a way to do it no matter what.”
He seemed to hesitate, then nodded. “Okay.”
It was as if he had to figure out if he trusted me or not, if he believed me, and I wondered who’d hurt him. Who was it he hadn’t been able to count on in his life? His father for one, from the sound of it.
I climbed into the bed of the truck and was easing the bookshelf toward the edge when someone called out, “You guys need help?”
I turned toward the door. A man stood there. He looked about thirty or so, with sandy-blond hair and scruff along his jaw. He was sexy, that was for sure, but I didn’t think much else about him. “Yeah, sure. That’d be great.”
“Hold on a second.”
He went inside and came out a few minutes later with a flatbed cart. I got out of the truck bed just as Zander said, “That’ll make this a lot easier. Thank you.”
“Cameron Boyd. I teach sixth-grade social studies. You’re the new English teacher, right?” He held out his hand for Zander, who shook it. Cameron took him in, not in an uncomfortable way, but one that told me he was queer and noticed how attractive Zander was.
“Yeah, Zander Wescott. Nice to meet you.” He signaled toward me. “This is my friend Harrison.”
“Hi.” Cameron was polite, shaking my hand the way he had Zander’s.
The three of us loaded the bookcase onto the cart, then wheeled it into the building. “This is my room,” Cameron said. “We’re neighbors.” There was a sign on his door about all being welcome. It had a pride flag and different colored hands on it.
“Oh, I like that,” Zander said.
“I have an extra at home. I can bring it to you if you’d like.”
“That would be great!” Zander didn’t have a problem accepting things from Cameron, I noticed. We made our way into Zander’s classroom when he added, “So they’re accepting here? I was honest about my sexuality. I know I shouldn’t have to say anything, but I wanted to head off any problems. Ms. Givens assured me they couldn’t ask and that it didn’t matter either way, just that I do a good job.”
“She’s great. She’s a real asset to have in our corner. And things aren’t perfect… They never really are. Sometimes there are comments, mostly from parents, but as a whole, I’m comfortable being myself here. If something were to happen, I know Susie would go to bat for me. And being close to Atlanta helps. The farther out you go…”
“Yeah, I figured that. It’s why I wanted to stay in or close to the city.”
I lingered beside them, feeling a bit like an outcast. Cameron’s gaze shot my way, and he gave me a kind smile. “Let’s get this off, and then I’ll let the two of you get to it. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask.”
We unloaded the piece of furniture, and then Cameron waved goodbye and slipped from the room.
“I can’t believe there’s another queer teacher here! I was so worried. He seemed nice, don’t you think?” Zander asked, and like always, that contagious excitement of his came through in every word he spoke and the energy radiating off him.
“He does.”
“And close to my age too, which—oh shit. I didn’t mean… That sounded bad. I don’t care about age, and I didn’t mean because…well, because you and I are doing the friends-with-benefits thing. I wasn’t talking about hooking up with him. I just meant being friends.”
“I knew what you meant.” And while I joked about it, I didn’t have issues with my age. I was only forty-one, but I was older than him, and he had a whole lot more experiences awaiting him. He would likely have more in common with Cameron than with me.
“Sometimes my thoughts go so fast, it doesn’t occur to me how something might sound. I’m usually really good about that, but it’s been an overwhelming day and… Ifeelcomfortablewithyou.”
I frowned. “Can you repeat that?”
“Do I have to?” he asked playfully. “Fine…ugh. I said I feel comfortable with you…so things slip out easier. And if you ever make me say something like that again, I’ll…”
“It’s okay,” I teased softly. “You’re allowed to like me. I won’t tell anyone how much you like me…so, so much.”
Zander shook his head, turned, and walked to the window, keeping his back to me. I stepped closer, but not too close, staying behind him.
“I’m really happy,” Zander said. “It feels like my life is falling into place, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“It doesn’t always.”
“Yes,” Zander replied. “It does.” Then he turned around. “But not today. Come on, let me show you all the stuff in my classroom.”
We didn’t have much time for it, but we walked around the space together, Zander pointing things out to me and telling me why he liked them, or what a quote meant to him, or what he eventually wanted to put where. I watched him straighten the nameplate on his desk as he said, “We should go.”
“Okay.” But I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to spend more time with him. It hadn’t been long since we’d agreed to add sex to our friendship. Hell, we hadn’t even had any sex after the agreement, but I already had a feeling it was going to become a lot more difficult than I’d imagined.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Zander
When I was young, school was a conflict of emotions for me. At first, I hated it. I hated it because I felt stupid, because I didn’t fit in, because kids said I was annoying when I couldn’t settle down or be quiet. On the other hand, I always liked learning. Reading was so fucking hard for me, but at the same time, I enjoyed getting transported to different worlds or different lives in a way I only could in the pages of a book.
Then Ms. Ackerman had come into my life. She’d spent more time with me than any other teacher. She was the first person other than Mom to call me smart. She was the first one to say my behavior was out of my control and that it wasn’t my fault.
It hadn’t been easy, but once I got tested, went to the doctor, and began to understand how I learned and what we could do to make things easier on me, things got better. That was when I mostly just loved school.
But today, as I stood in front of the full-length mirror in my room, staring at the Monday bow tie in my hand, I felt like I was going to puke.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
What if I got off schedule? What if I lost a student’s assignment? What if I talked through a whole class period without realizing it?
“Oh God.” I clutched my stomach. I couldn’t do this.
My heart raced. My stomach was doing backflips, off a building, while afraid of heights. That was how screwed up it felt.
My phone buzzed. Oh, thank God because I’d somehow misplaced it, which was pretty hard to do since I’d just had it before my shower. It was under the futon. Apparently, I’d missed other times it had gone off because there was more than one message.
Mom: Have a great day, kiddo! I guess I can’t really call you that anymore, can I? It’s hard to believe you’re so grown now. My college graduate who is about to have his first classroom. I’m so, so, so proud of you. Call me later!