Mom sighed again. “Zander.”
“Tell me. Please.”
“He was angry I couldn’t let him come with us. I knew you wouldn’t want him here. Then he gave us a guilt trip for leaving and…”
“And now he’s gone.” That motherfucker. I hated him. Hated that his blood was inside my veins.
“He wasn’t answering when I called yesterday, or this morning, and…I knew. I just knew. That was Martha. Said he packed up and left right after we did and that he took some of our things. To sell, I assume. I called him again now, and he didn’t answer, so I confronted him by voice mail.”
My head spun. My heart thudded. I clutched my stomach, tried to breathe, tried to steady myself and not let my anger eat me alive.
Mom came closer, wincing, and I realized she didn’t have her cane or anything. “Mom, sit down. You’ve been on your feet too much today.”
She cocked her head. “You’re so angry with me, yet you’re still trying to take care of me. I really screwed this up, didn’t I?”
“Here, I’ll help you.” Harrison walked over and took her arm. Oh God, he was there. He was seeing how fucked up we were. I’d somehow forgotten we were in his house, that he was witnessing all this, and…fuck…I needed him. I wanted him to tell me it would be okay.
Harrison was so responsible, so put together. He deserved so much better than this, and I knew, fucking knew, that when he realized it, he would walk away, and it would kill me.
“We should go,” I said.
“Go?” Mom asked just as Harrison’s gaze snapped to mine.
“Yes. We should go home and see what he took. Maybe get the locks changed so he can’t come back. We need to get everything sorted out before I have to go back to work next week.”
“Zander, you don’t need to,” Mom replied.
But I did, didn’t I? Who else would help? What about Molly? And if he came back, would Mom fall for his lies again? Plus, we didn’t even know what he’d taken.
“It’s late,” Harrison said. “Let’s sleep on it. I can take tomorrow off, drive up with you guys, and help you get everything sorted and taken care of.”
“What? No. Tomorrow is a huge day for you at work. You told me how busy you usually are. You don’t need to take it off because of our mess. This isn’t your problem.”
“If it hurts you, it is. You’re my…friend.”
Don’t do this. Stop trying to make me trust you. Stop trying to let me believe I can depend on anyone. How would I survive if you walked away from me?
“Don’t worry about it, Harrison. I have it under control.” I didn’t look at him, couldn’t. It would hurt too much.
“Zander…” Mom began just as Molly said, “Do you really think anyone believes the two of you are just friends? You’re being a dick, Zander.”
“Molly! Language,” Mom said. “Zander, it’s okay…you and Harrison. I support you and want you happy. And he’s right. There’s absolutely nothing we can do tonight. There’s nothing to be done at all, really. We just pick up the pieces and keep going like we always do.”
“But it affects all of us!” jumped out of my mouth. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just…I need to go. Let’s go.” I needed to do something, to fix it, to at least feel like I was putting a plan into action. Otherwise I’d just drive myself crazy.
“Zander.” It was Harrison who spoke, but I still couldn’t look at him. I turned, shook my head. Everything was blurry. Jesus, was I crying? Why in the fuck was I crying? I hadn’t shed tears over my asshole dad in a long time. My hands threaded through my hair, tangled there, and tugged. “Zander…” he said again, so gently, so full of compassion. I wanted him to fix it, wanted him to help me, to help them, and that was so fucking scary and dangerous because I’d never counted on anyone in my life. From what I’d seen, love hurt and it wasn’t forever. It wasn’t the answer to your problems and often just caused more.
“Fuck…stop. I can’t do this right now, okay?” Because if my own father didn’t love me enough to stay, how could someone else? If someone as good as my mom couldn’t count on the person she’d loved her whole damn adult life, how could I? “I just need to get shit done. That’s how I deal. I need to do something. It’s the only thing that will help me sort through this, so I’m going to go home, and I’m going to figure out what he took, and I’m going to change the locks and—Did you check the bank account to make sure he didn’t manage to get any money?” He’d done that before, but I didn’t know how. “We should get on the road. How’s the gas in the car, Mom?”
She was watching me, a broken heart in her eyes. I couldn’t handle looking at her, so I risked a glance at Harrison, who had a similar expression. My gaze darted away just as quickly.
“You should take the Hyundai. How else will you get back home?” Harrison asked. “Or you can drive the SUV, pack up some things, and—Ashley, you and Molly are welcome to stay here for a while if you need to get away.”
“Stop doing that! Stop trying to help us! I can’t get used to that, Harrison. If I count on you, it’ll kill me when you walk away. I’ve gotten too close the past couple of months. Don’t you see? I can’t love you like she loves him, and you made me do it anyway, damn it! When you leave, when you get tired of all my shit or my problems or you just want to go, it’s going to devastate me. I wasn’t supposed to love you!” I shouted. “I wasn’t supposed to want…strings.” I waved my hand through the air as if that made any damn sense.
Molly and Mom were crying, and Jesus, I still was too. I wasn’t supposed to do this. I was supposed to hold it together. I was supposed to fix things and take care of my family.
I didn’t see him move, but then Harrison was there, cupping my cheek, fingers swiping away my tears. “I love you too. I am so fucking in love with you, Zander. I’m not going anywhere, not ever, not unless you want me to.”
I didn’t want that, for him to leave. Not now, not ever…and wait, he loved me? How could he, someone like him… “I’m scared,” I admitted.
“So am I. You think only you have the ability to get hurt? I do too. I’ve made it forty-one years without feeling this constant ache, this need for someone, and now I have. For this beautiful fucking man who is seventeen years younger than I am. Who very much might decide I’m not what he wants. You’re not the only one taking a risk here, but I’m willing to do it because the reward is you. I’m absolutely crazy about you, Mr. Wescott. How can you not know that? You said you want strings, but don’t you see? You’ve had them since the start.”
I looked at him, held his gaze, and let myself see what I’d refused to acknowledge before, what I wasn’t sure I deserved but wanted anyway. Harrison loved me. This was more than just sex, and it always had been. I’d felt a connection to him that first night, and it had only grown since.
I couldn’t find words right then; they were stuck in my head and in my heart. When I pushed forward to kiss him, another voice stopped me. “Don’t forget you’re not alone!” Molly broke through the moment.