Because I had. I’d forgotten.
I looked at my sister, and at my mom, who was crying but smiling at me. This was…awkward.
“You’re not me,” Mom said. “Harrison is not like your father. Don’t hold yourself accountable for our mistakes. Don’t miss out on someone you love, someone who loves you, because of us. The mistakes we’ve made have been our own, and none of it, none of it means you’ll have the same fate.”
I knew that, I did, but…at the same time I didn’t. Christ, being alive was hard sometimes. Why did your heart and your brain so often war against each other? It would be so much easier if they were always in sync.
I nodded, embarrassed. I needed a shower and sleep. It didn’t matter how early it was; my brain was exhausted.
“Go,” Mom said. “Get cleaned up, get some rest. Our problems aren’t going anywhere.”
She was so good at that, at reading my mind. And as imperfect as she was, as we all were, I loved her so much. “I’m sorry.” I walked over and hugged her. She squeezed me tightly.
“Don’t be sorry, sweet boy. I think we both need to make some changes. I need to learn to let go, and you need to allow yourself to hold on.” She nodded toward Harrison.
God, I wanted to…so much. This whole night had been a bit of a whirlwind. I wasn’t sure any of it had really happened.
I turned my head, took Harrison in over my shoulder, the way he watched me, the intensity of his stare that always made me feel important, even when I didn’t admit it.
But Mom…and Molly. “Do you need to talk?” I asked Mom. There I was, taking up all the attention when my mom was the one who’d been hurt.
“No. I’m tired, Zander. This was just a reminder. I know who your father is. Hashing it out won’t change anything. It’s time I made the changes.”
I nodded, hugged her one more time, then Molly good night. I took a few steps toward Harrison’s room. It was where I wanted to be. “Will you come with me?” I asked him.
“Always,” Harrison replied, and a quiet voice in my head told me I could believe him. I just had to learn to let myself.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Harrison
We didn’t speak as we went to the room, as I closed the door behind us. I went straight into the en suite and started a shower. When I turned around, Zander knelt down and began taking off my shoes. I didn’t question him. Now wasn’t the time. When he finished with my feet, he worked his way up my body, removing every item of clothing before starting on his own.
We showered together—more silence.
Dried off—quiet still.
Sometimes words weren’t needed.
When we were in bed together, naked, Zander asked, “Is it true?”
His head rested on my shoulder, my arm around him. I kissed his temple. “Is what true?”
“That you love me. I know this all happened so fast…and tonight everything just sort of fell into the open without much time to consider what we were saying. It’s okay if you’re not sure yet. If you—”
“It’s true. I’ve been wishing I could tell you for a long time now, but I didn’t want to scare you away. You’re so much younger than me, and you were so adamant about no strings. I thought I was in this alone.”
He leaned in some, nuzzled my neck. “You’re not…in this alone. I’ve felt that way most of my life, and I wanted it, needed it. Being with you is the first time I haven’t felt alone, and the whole time, I couldn’t believe I was worthy. How could someone like you, someone so kind, who has their shit together, how could you really want someone like me? I’m a bit of a mess.”
“My mess,” I replied, my heart breaking for him. He was so damn strong, but still didn’t see his worth. “And we all are—messy. Look at me. Had I just been an adult and told you weeks ago, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are. Emotions are confusing, and they muddle our good sense. But if there’s one thing you never have to question, it’s how much I love you. I never saw this for myself, and now I can’t imagine my life without it, without you.”
I felt his smile against my skin. “I love you too,” he replied. “I hate him. Why does he make me feel so worthless? Like I don’t deserve someone like you…like I don’t deserve someone to stay.”
“You do, and I will.” I rolled him to his back, lay on top of him, settling between his legs. He felt so good against me, long and lean, hard muscles beneath the softest skin. “You’re stuck with me now. For-ev-er.” I kissed him. “Strings attached.” Another kiss. “I might tie you up with them.”
Zander laughed, his body shaking mine. “You’re obsessed with me.”
“Not in a creepy way.”
“Is there a non-creepy way to be obsessed?” he teased.
I missed this, was glad that we were able to get back to the playfulness that was so much a part of who we were as a couple.
“You’re saying it’s too much that I sniff your underwear when you’re not looking?”
“No, that’s hot as fuck. How have I missed that?”
We laughed again together. God, I loved this. Loved him.
“Back to that tying-me-up thing…we should try that sometime.”
“You’re a sex fiend, Mr. Wescott.” I kissed the corner of his mouth.
“Are you complaining?”
“Absolutely not.”
But we didn’t fuck, not then. We just held each other, made out, addicted to each other’s mouths. Like his tongue had a home in mine and mine in his.
And then I just held him, told him I loved him until he fell asleep.
The next morning was somber. Zander pretended he was okay. He made French toast again, smiled and joked and told his family how much he would miss them.
We had to take two vehicles so Zander and I could get back home. He didn’t argue about me going, just squeezed my hand and thanked me.
He and Ashley rode together, Molly riding with me. “I wish we lived in Atlanta. Mom misses Zander so much. He’s always been her favorite.”
“I’m sure that’s not true. She adores you. I can see it. And maybe one day you will. Even if not now, when you’re older, you can move wherever you want.”
She nodded, was quiet a moment, but I could tell there was more on her mind. “We’re different, me and Zander. I’ve always hated our dad. He wants to, but he just doesn’t work that way. He’s more like Mom than he wants to see. He always hopes Dad will change. I might only be twelve, but I know he won’t.”
“That’s one of the beauties about being human. We all do it differently.”
“Do you really love him?”
“I do.”
“Good. He deserves it. But don’t tell him I said that.”
I chuckled. “You’re a force to be reckoned with, Ms. Molly, and I’m so glad to have met you.”
“You too…only, don’t break my brother’s heart, or you’ll have me to deal with. Don’t tell him I said that either.”
My chest filled with warmth. “I won’t. I promise.”