We pass Big H and Maggie in the company truck as he leads me through the large barn and into the even bigger greenhouse. I haven’t yet dared to step foot in this area since I know this is mainly where Holden spends his days. And just in case the past few days isn’t proof enough—Holden and me right now? Not a good combo.
The barn itself isn’t much to look at, but the greenhouse—good Lord, what I wouldn’t give to live in here. Die in here. So much green dotted with pops of colors, I couldn’t even describe it in words. Trays upon trays filled with pots upon pots of plants—on the ground, on shelves, hanging from the ceiling. The scent itself is overwhelming, but the sight of it all…
I follow Holden to the prominent water feature right in the middle of the greenhouse and almost let out a squeal when I see the goldfish swimming in the bottom. He sits on a bench facing the fountain, a myriad of ferns behind him. I sit beside him, the pendant in my grasp as I pull my knees to my chest, my eyes taking in everything all at once.
“Holy shit, Holden, this is beauti—”
“I’m sorry,” he cuts in. “About the rollerblading thing. I didn’t know…”
I look sideways at him, but he’s leaning forward, his elbows on his knees as he stares at the water rise and fall from the fountain. Hugging my knees closer, I ignore the slight pain in my chest and say, “You were right. I shouldn’t have been doing that. You don’t need to apologize.”
“No, I do,” he says quickly, glancing back at me. “And I need to apologize for the way I’ve treated you since you got here.”
“Like I said, you don’t need to apologize. This is your world, Holden, and I’m just… trespassing.”
He shakes his head, then leans back in the seat. “Hey, remember whenever you needed to get something off your chest, I’d ask you if I was simply listening or if we were problem-solving?”
My heart wants to smile. But my reality tells me otherwise. “Yeah.”
“This is one of those times when I need you just to listen…”
I stare at the fountain, too afraid to look at him. “Okay…”
He takes a moment before he leans forward again, stares down at his hands. After clearing his throat, he says, “It hasn’t been easy for me, Jamie… you being here.” He pauses a beat, and I listen. I listen to my pulse beating unsteady beneath my flesh, listen to his breaths become as strained as the words that follow. “The thing is, when we met, I was going through a really tough time in my life. I felt like I’d failed Mia—someone significant to me, and I… I was scared. I was at that point of giving up my adolescence and becoming a man, and I… I had no idea what that looked like for me.” He adjusts his cap, moving the brim from the back to the front, and keeps his head down so I can’t see his eyes even if I tried. “And then I met you, and I fell in love with you, and suddenly I could picture my future.”
Heat burns behind my eyes, my nose, and I part my lips, try to breathe through the heartache, while Holden continues. “And every time I did, it was just you, here. That’s all it was, Jamie. And I didn’t know how we’d get here or what that journey would be… I just knew that I wanted it. You. Here.”
His words pierce a hole through my heart, diminish the light in my soul.
“I’d picture you walking through the gardens or sitting on this very bench with your knees up, marker in hand and sketchpad on your lap, drawing whatever was in front of you.” He glances at me quickly, a sad smile marring his handsome features. “Exactly like you are now.” Focusing on his hands again, he adds, “You, here… it was the only thing that made sense to me.”
I know what’s coming next before he even says it. So does my life source because it beats out of my chest through the tears I release.
“But then you left, and you took all those picture-perfect moments with you.” He’s on a roll now, revealing the past five years of heartbreak I handed to him. “And I didn’t understand why. For so long, I kept wondering what I did wrong, and I went through every event, every conversation we ever had, and I couldn’t… I couldn’t figure it out.”
You didn’t do anything, I want to say, but I know it’ll mean nothing to him, not after all this time.
He sucks in a ragged breath, releases it slowly. And then he sits back, his body half turned to me. Through tear-filled eyes, I lift my chin and stare back. I deserve to hear every one of his truths, no matter how much it’ll ruin me. “It was the summer after my first year of college… I finally got sick of wondering, and I went to see Zeke at his diner.” He licks his lips as his eyes search mine. “He had his back turned, and he was on the phone, and I heard him say, ‘Stay safe, kiddo.’”
The breath that leaves me returns only moments later, and there’s no more overwhelming scents or nirvana-like paradise for my eyes to indulge. There are only pieces of me. And him. And a past of incomplete pictures.
“Swear to God,” Holden rushes it. “It felt like… like the entire world just fell out from under me. It was in that moment, over a year later, that I realized everything that I envisioned my future to be, all those things I still held on to until that very second… they didn’t mean shit to you, Jamie.”
He can’t look at me when my tears fall.
“Because you weren’t running for the sake of running. You weren’t running to spread your wings and fucking fly like the birds.” I forgive his mocking of me. “You were running from me. And I—” He removes his hat completely, runs a hand through his hair. “I’m not going to lie, you didn’t just break my heart, Jamie, you obliterated it. So I moved on. I stopped waiting and started living. And then you showed up…” His voice cracks on the last few words, and I wish I could hug him just so he’d stop because I don’t know if I can hear anymore. But I know that I need to. That he needs to tell me. “And when I saw you, it was like… you, here… and my heart was shouting, ‘This is it! This is all you’ve ever wanted… all you could envision!’ But then I remembered what it felt like to be standing at that diner, shattered and alone, and what it felt like every single day that you were gone, and I… I thought how fucking dare you, and I got angry at you. I’m still angry. Because seeing you here is a reminder of everything you stole from me without even a momentary glance back. And if you didn’t love me…”
I finally find my voice—or what little of it I can use through the unbearable pain in my chest. “Holden, I did lo—”
“Don’t,” he cuts in, his entire body vibrating with his withheld animosity. “I don’t want to hear you say those words. Not now. Not after all those confusing days and lonely nights where all I fucking wanted was to hear you say it.”
I take in his words. One by one. Accept his emotions. Piece by piece. “Okay.”
Silence stretches between us, and all I can do is watch him watching me. “I don’t like the way I’ve treated you. And regardless of what you think, I don’t want to hurt you, Jamie,” he croaks. “But I can’t control the way it makes me feel to see you, here.”