“Well, it’s very exciting,” she says, and I face her, looking in the eyes of a woman who’s been in my life for almost a decade now.
“How come you and Dad aren’t married?”
She shrugs, then smiles to one side. “Who says we’re not?”
I rear back, trying to read if she’s bullshitting or not. “You would’ve mentioned…” I trail off when a car pulls into the driveway, and the moment I realize who it is, I’m on my feet and moving toward it.
Mom steps out of the car but stands behind the door. “I just want to talk,” she rushes out.
Eyes narrowed in disbelieve, I yell, “I literally just told you to give us time! And space! And you can’t even—”
“What’s going on?” Dad asks, coming out of the barn. Thankfully, Jamie’s isn’t with him.
“Nothing,” I mumble, glaring at my mom. “They were just leaving.”
Joseph gets out of the car and thinks now is the perfect time to speak up. “She’s been a mess since you left, Holden. I think—”
I glare at him. “I really don’t give a shit what you think!”
“Holden!” Mom scolds. “Don’t talk to him like that!”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I shout. I’m so fucking close to exploding, and I don’t want to. Not here. Not with Jamie within earshot. “Just leave. Please. And I’ll talk to you later, but not right now.”
Mom’s on the verge of tears again, her face pinching with the force of holding it back. I don’t want to hurt her, but she has to understand my predicament. She has to. I see the moment it sinks in for her—when her shoulders drop in defeat and her features flatten. She looks between Dad and me, and then finally Maggie. “You told him, didn’t you?”
I face Maggie, my heart dropping to my feet. “You knew?”
“Jesus, Tammy,” Maggie scoffs. “Real nice of you to pin this on me.”
“Knew what?” Dad asks.
I shake my head, my mind racing, trying to make sense of everything.
“The night of Holden’s high school graduation,” Mom says, clearly talking to my dad, “your girlfriend was eavesdropping—”
“No,” Maggie cuts in, stepping in front of me as if somehow protecting me. “I walked into a room where you and Joseph were whispering, and I heard Jamie’s name. That’s all it was! And don’t you dare come to our home and try to lay blame—”
“Who’s home is it?” Joseph interrupts.
“I swear to God…” I step toward him, my hands fisted at my sides. “Shut your fucking mouth.”
“Oh, real nice,” he says, his gaze shifting from me to my dad. “You teach him to speak to his stepdad that way?”
“How the fuck can you be my stepdad? You couldn’t even be a dad to your own daughter!”
“Holden…” It’s Dad who says it, and it comes out as a warning.
I’m crossing a line. I know I am. But I know the cost of crossing it, and when it comes to Jamie, I’ll break every fucking barrier to keep her safe. Hell, I’ll set the entire fucking world ablaze just to keep her warm.
“This is getting out of hand,” Mom says.
“No shit,” I respond. “Maybe we wouldn’t have this problem if you didn’t go behind my back. In fact, maybe just stay out of my—”
“Stop!” Jamie’s voice cuts through the air, through my heart, and it’s as if time stops when I turn to her. “Just stop…”
48
Jamie
“Stop!” It takes everything in me not to break down. I’d suspected that Holden had gone to see them, either this morning or last night, but I don’t have a clue how much they told him or how much he divulged to them. And now, they’re arguing, yelling at each other over things far too personal, and so I step out of the barn and stammer, “Just stop…” I look between all of them as their eyes move to me. “This isn’t what I wanted,” I say, my voice weak from holding back a sob. Heat burns behind my eyes, my nose, and my chest aches under the weight of heartbreak. I switch my gaze between Holden and his mom and finally settle on her, saying, “Why do you think I never told him until I absolutely had to?” I take a breath, trying to calm the anxiety crawling across my flesh. “I didn’t want him in a position where he felt like he had to choose between us. And I still don’t.”
“Jamie…” Tammy cries. “You have to understand—”
“I do understand,” I interrupt, and it’s the truth, and maybe it’s part of the reason I kept it inside for so long. “And I know, without a doubt, that you were trying to protect Holden. I just… I think there were so many other ways you could’ve approached me—as two people in this world who love him more than anything… we could’ve—” I break off, wiping the tears too defiant to surrender. I sniff back my cries, and when I feel like I’m calm enough to speak, I tell her, “I understand that watching your son go through what he did wasn’t easy for you and that you were hurting… and hurt people, hurt people…”
“I didn’t mean for it to end the way it did,” Tammy says, and I drop my gaze, defeated. She must know what I’m thinking because she adds, “I mean, yes, I did want you out of his life, but I would never wish for what happened to you in the aftermath—”
“I’m sorry,” I cut in.
“Jamie, you don’t owe them shit, let alone an apology,” Holden says, and I shake my head.
“I’m not sorry for what happened back then,” I say, my voice louder. Clearer. “I’m sorry because I can’t stand here any longer.” I square my shoulders and lift my chin. “I promise you, we will talk. We will have a conversation. We’ll both make our feelings known, and whatever will come out of it... I don’t know,” I tell Tammy, somehow finding the courage to do all the things I practiced once a month in my therapist’s office and again in the mirror when I felt like I was suffocating beneath the weight of expectation. “But that time isn’t now because I’m not ready. When I am, I swear, I’ll come to you.” I glance at Joseph, and that’s all I’ll give him. I don’t even know him, and right now, I couldn’t give two shits how he feels. “And those are the boundaries I’ve set to protect myself, and I would really appreciate it if you respected that. Thank you.” I nod once, my vision blurred by my withheld tears, and then I turn and head back into the barn, where I sit behind the pottery wheel.
Holden enters soon after, saying, “Damn, baby, I’m so proud of you!”
And then Maggie and Big H are next, and they’re moving toward me, but I put my hand out, my breath caught in my throat, and no matter how hard I try to force it, I can’t seem to fill my lungs with their life source. “I just need a minute,” I manage to get out.
Holden stops in front of me, ducking his head to look in my eyes. “You okay?”
I nod. “I just need some time,” I push out, my hands circling the clay that Big H and I had set up before Tammy’s arrival. For minutes, maybe even an entire hour, I focus on the clay vase I’m attempting to create and go through all the thoughts flying through my mind.