I track him from the front door into the bathroom, waiting for the door to close before sucking in a breath, my eyes drifting shut when I release it slowly. Then I resume my task. I boil water for the pasta and take the mushrooms from the fridge. The bathroom door opens just as I’m dumping pasta into the pot, and a moment later, Holden emerges dressed in shorts and a white tank—his tattoo peeking above the neck hole. He stands in the middle of the living room, looking around. “Did you clean up?” he asks.
I drop my gaze, try to steady my hands as I slice the mushrooms. “Yes.”
Before he responds, there’s a knock on the door. His head snaps to the sound, and for a moment, he just stares at it. Finally, he takes the few steps to the door, opens it. “Mom,” he gasps, gaze flicking to me quickly before focusing on her again. “You can’t—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupt, wiping my hands on a dishcloth, and replace all twelve rings on my fingers. “I invited them.”
Holden’s eyes bug out of his head as he stands there, frozen, looking between his mom and me. Eventually, he opens the door wider, and I slowly move around the counter, my hands grasped in front of me.
Tammy and Joseph step inside, and I wait nervously for the moment Tammy’s eyes meet mine. “Hi, Jamie,” she says, and I catch her stepping toward Joseph. I recognize the action because it’s exactly what I do with Holden when I’m scared. Joseph is her protector like Holden is mine, and that’s why he did what he did for her, what he continues to do.
“Hi, Mrs. Kovács. Mr. Kovács.”
“Tammy and Joseph,” Tammy says. “Please.”
“Tammy.” I nod. “Joseph.” I nod again.
I must look like a real winner right now, but to be fair to myself, I’m nervous.
And scared.
But… I’m also ready.
Finally.
“Thank you for coming so last minute.”
“Thank you for inviting us,” Tammy chokes out. “It means the world.”
I point behind me. “Dinner’s not quite ready yet. Would you like water or something?”
“We’re okay, Jamie,” Joseph says, his voice softer than I’ve ever heard him speak to or about me.
I wave my hand out in front of me, motioning to the couch. “Sit, please.”
It’s only now I realize that Holden’s still holding the door open, watching our back and forth with his eyebrows drawn.
I move to him, closing the door, and then I get up on my toes, my hands on his chest, and kiss him quickly. “I love you,” I mouth.
And it’s clear he’s trying to hold back his emotions. “Are you okay?” he whispers.
“I’m perfect,” I lie.
He drags his gaze down my clothes, then up to my eyes again, and he knows… he knows why I’m dressed like this. Why I’m trying to hide who I am.
“Jamie…” he whispers.
“Wow, this place has changed a lot,” Tammy says, and I jump at the chance to change the subject.
“Yeah, we updated,” I say, turning to her.
“That’s all Jamie,” Holden replies, grabbing two stools from beneath the counter and sitting opposite them.
“I like the curtains,” Tammy tells me.
I sit on the empty stool beside Holden. “Thank you.”
The room fills with awkward silence while Tammy and Joseph stare at me, waiting.
I stare back.
In my mind, I’d struggled to find a way to start this conversation that wasn’t an apology on either party.
“This was the groundskeeper’s place, right?” Joseph asks, throwing his arm around Tammy’s shoulders, and I’m not really sure what happens next—what it is that’s going through Tammy’s mind that has her sobbing into her hands, her entire body shaking with the force of her cries. I’m quick to stand, to go to her and sit beside her, and... hug her. Hold her. Tell her, “It’s okay.”
She shakes her head, trying to catch her breath. “I should’ve told Holden,” she cries. “I had every opportunity to, but I was so ashamed of what I’d done to you. To both of you.”
“It’s okay,” I repeat, and then I tell her something I wished someone would’ve said to me in all my darkest hours. “It’s not your fault.”
“Jamie...” she cries, removing her hands and locking her tear-stained eyes with mine. “Of course it is.”
“Ma,” Holden says, shifting the coffee table back so he can squat down in front of her. “We’re going to get through this, okay?”
I lower my arms and shake my head, adamant. “Tammy...” I sigh out, trying to gather my thoughts, “my mother was a drunk who felt like she had no other choice but to stay with a man who beat her constantly. She kept me in that environment for years, and still, I could never see her in a bad light because every beating she ever took was aimed at me. She protected me. Always. Like you do for Holden.” I cover her hand with mine, a move she’d introduced me to in the dead of the night, even though she was the one hurting. I look at Holden, at his eyes pleading for me to do something. Anything. “I know what it’s like staring into a void, searching for answers. Searching for why and how, and I understand that need for reasons, that want to find someone to blame, even if that someone was me.”
“Jamie…” Tammy trembles.
I take a breath, fight back my emotions, because I’m in control, and say, “What I’m trying to say is that I get it now. I understand why you thought that Holden deserved better, because that’s what you want—as a mother—the absolute best for your child.” I swallow my nerves. “But… I love Holden with everything inside of me, and I’m lucky enough that he feels the same, so… it would mean a lot to the both of us if you were at our wedding—” Tammy gasps, and I continue, “And in the meantime, I’d love to spend some time with you. So we can maybe get to know each other better and work on our relationship.” I grab my iPad off the coffee table. “I thought maybe we could start here,” I say, tapping at the screen, trying to hide the shakiness of my fingers. I pull up the file I’d been searching for and show her. “It’s just some ideas I have for the wedding. I don’t really know where to start, so...”
This time, Tammy hugs me—just like she did with Holden in the diner. Long and tight. And when she cries, I cry, too, because it feels like the missing page to close this chapter of my life—a chapter that almost felt impossible to complete. She starts to pull away, but I’m not ready to let her go yet.
Five years.
Five years, I’ve been holding on to this pain, this heartbreak, and finally, finally, it’s over. When I eventually release her, I wipe at my eyes, focus on the images on the iPad to hide my emotions. “I’m thinking dahlias for my bouquet,” I say through the giant knot in my throat.
“Of course,” Tammy responds, shifting a loose strand of hair from my eyes. I look up at her, my breath held in my lungs to fight off another sob. “For your mother...”
I nod, my vision blurring with a new onset of liquid heartache. “Oh, Jamie. She’d be so proud of you, I’m sure. You’re a professional artist, Holden tells me...”