The crunching of the loose gravel beneath my sneakers wreaks havoc on my eardrums, and I push aside the grating of my nerves as I pull open the passenger door. Brianna greets me with a smile once I’m settled in the seat—her full lips glossed with sinful red. “Hey, baby,” she coos, reaching up to bring my face to hers.
I kiss her.
Because that’s what you do with your girlfriend.
You kiss them.
A lot.
Her big brown eyes scan my face when she rears back, her bottom lip pushes out, forming a pout. “You look tired,” she notes. “Long week?”
Her hand’s still on the back of my head, and I lean into it, hoping her touch soothes the ache in my chest. “Yeah.”
“We don’t have to go out tonight. We can just stay—”
I settle my hand on her leg and squeeze once, cutting her off. Then I pull away, get more comfortable. “I want to go.” I want to get fucked up in every way possible, so I can erase all memories of the ghosts of my past—the girl who thinks she can just show up dressed in denim shorts and a plain white tank and ask things of me she has no right asking. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” I say.
Bri doesn’t move right away, and after a moment, I glance at her. “You been missin’ me?” she asks, a coy little lilt in her tone that has me remembering exactly what it is that attracts me to her.
After brushing the loose, butter-blonde hair from her shoulder, I lean across the cab and nuzzle her neck, nibble her there. She squirms against me, her laughter quick to fill the cab. “You have no idea,” I tell her, covering her mouth with mine. Then I inhale deeply, get lost in her scent. She smells like the ocean—like waves crashing endlessly against the shore.
It’s perfect.
Because it’s nothing at all like sunshine and solace.
Five sets of eyes stare at me as if I’ve grown a second head. “They are!” I almost shout, gripping my beer tighter.
“You’re so full of shit.” Jasmine, Brianna’s best friend, eyes me sideways, the joint halfway to her lips. We’re at her house, in her yard, sitting around an unlit fire pit. It’s the same scene as almost every Friday night.
Mason, her boyfriend, takes the J and inhales half of it with a single toke. If I wasn’t so indignant and maybe a little high, I’d be impressed. He asks, “How the fuck are polar bears black?”
My friend, Colton, sitting next to him, passes on the weed and hands it to his girl of the night, whose name I’ve already forgotten. “Where the fuck did you learn this?” Colton asks. “Agriculture college?”
“Firstly,” I say. “Eat my dick.” A round of laughter has me rolling my eyes, then squaring my shoulders. “And second. Their skin is black! Their fur is translucent and reflects off the visible light!” Now I’m shouting, and Brianna’s grabbing my hand, stifling her laugh into my arm. I turn to her, the movement slow, or maybe that’s the green doing its job. “We’re surrounded by idiots, babe.”
“You’re so passionate,” she says, taking the joint from Girl-with-no-name and passing it to me. “And high.”
“I am,” I admit, bringing the stub to my lips and inhaling deeply. I hold my breath a moment. Two. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.”
I exhale the ribbon of smoke away from her, making sure my lungs are empty before kissing her quickly. Brianna doesn’t drink. Doesn’t smoke. Eats vegan clean. She’s of the belief that our bodies are our temples, and we only get one in this lifetime, so we have to treat it right. And trust me, her discipline, plus the yoga and Pilates she’s constantly doing, proves that she’s doing something right. She’s toned in all the right places, soft where it counts, and flexible in ways I’d never even imagined. But... she’s also one of those forever positive people, all rainbows and butterflies, and a genuine believer that you can actually inhale the positive and exhale the negative. Which is bullshit, but hey… who the fuck am I to ruin her Zen?
The best thing about Bri is that she doesn’t judge others who choose to live their lives differently, aka every other person in this room. She’s kind, and she’s sweet, and she takes her grandparents to church every Sunday, where she can confess to all her sins... the sins she commits on her back. On her knees. In my bed.
She’s every guy’s wet dream, and what she’s doing with a guy like me, I do not know.
“Holy shit!” Jasmine practically squeals, her gaze lifting from the phone in her hand. “He’s right! Polar bears are black!”
I sit back in my chair, my grin from ear-to-ear, while everyone looks at Jasmine’s phone. “I told you, motherfuckers.”
“I’m hungry as shit,” Colton announces, standing quickly. “Let’s go.”
Since Bri doesn’t drink, she’s always the designated driver, and so with Colton and his girl in the back of her car, she pulls into the parking lot of the only place open after seven in our tiny farming town of Blessing, North Carolina. We all get out once she’s parked, and I take her in my arms when I realize she’s shivering. “Cold?”
“A little.”
I remove my hoodie and place it over her head while waiting for Jasmine and Mason to show up. A few minutes later, they arrive with two more people in tow. With my arm around my girl’s shoulders, we file into the diner as if we rule the place. We all grew up here or in Justice, the next town over. Brianna’s from Justice, but her grandparents are here, so she spends most weekends with them. After high school, most of the kids stay and work on their family farms. Some go off to college, never to return. I can’t remember the last time, before me, someone ended up doing both.
Miss Sandra, the server, smiles at our group of misfits and doesn’t bother telling us where to sit. We join a bunch of tables together, and Bri catches me up on her week while the others chat about the food they plan on devouring. I listen, wholeheartedly, until I catch sight of the lone girl sitting in a corner booth, laptop on the table, black coffee beside it, her eyes right on mine. “What the fuck?” I whisper, slow to get to my feet.
“What is it?” Bri asks, but I can’t take my eyes off of Jamie. Goddammit, I’d almost forgotten about her and the rage she made me feel.
The weed, the booze, the girl I’d planned on losing myself in later tonight—they had all played their part in my need to escape. But now she’s here. Again. And I can’t fucking take it.
I practically storm toward her, slide in on the seat opposite. Her eyes widen when I seethe, “What the fuck are you still doing here?”
“I’m… I’m just exhausted. I’d been driving for so long, and I needed a break. I’ll leave—”
“You don’t get to do this, Jamie!” I cut in. I don’t know if I’m yelling or if the THC is fucking with my head. “You don’t get to come into my town! Into my home!” I look away when I stand—the withheld tears in her hazel eyes almost breaking my resolve. “This is my safe space, my solace!” I fume, my chest rising and falling, breath harsh against my throat. I turn quickly, my jaw set, anger pulsing through my veins. I don’t care that I’ve just made a scene. That the people I walked in with are all watching me.