“If you need anything you have my number.” Mike points to the paper that has the alarm code on it and his number is next to it. I already had it from when I’d called about the place but I nod. “You can call me day or night for anything you need. I’ll make sure you get it.”
“Thanks.”
He gives me one last look before he walks out the front door and leaves me standing in the house alone. How can you feel like you do and don’t belong somewhere? That’s the feeling settling over me right now.
“Alarm, Liz,” I hear Mike say from the other side of the door.
I walk over and hit the code then lock the door. I lean up against it, knowing I need to go get my crap and get out of that hotel. Looking at the almost empty house makes the ache in my chest grow. It looks like a home where a family would live. That’s something I thought one day I might have. One that I would make so different from the one I was raised in.
Rocco’s dark eyes flash through my mind and I remember the whispers in the courtroom. Some saying Gabe got what was coming to him but they still thought Rocco was scary. That he’d gone too far.
I didn’t see it, no matter how long I started at him. He wouldn’t glance my way, but I didn’t see a scary man when I looked at him. All I saw was an enormous guardian angel who saved me that day.
I need to see him so I can talk to him. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I feel that I have to explain to him how thankful I am that he saved me and how wrong it is he’s in jail. Maybe I could write him a letter and ask him to grant my request to come there.
I wipe away the tears that fall and I know I won’t stop reaching out to him until he lets me face him. Who knows what would have been left of me by the time Gabe was finished?
Rocco may not have felt the same thing I did that day when his eyes locked with mine, but I have to try. I don’t care how long his sentence is, I’ll wait forever for him if he’ll let me.
Four
ROCCO
It’s been a week since I turned down her request to see me and I still haven’t gotten over it. I can’t look into those eyes that saw straight through me while I’m behind bars. I’m sure she just wants to say something about saving her or thanking me and I don’t need to look at her to know that. I’m not strong enough to see her and walk back into my cell. Could any man?
She’s always on my mind in everything thing I do. I’ve done all I can from the inside to take care of things for her, and I have to just know that’s what I can control. Thoughts of things happening to her while I can’t keep my eyes on her plague me when I go to sleep at night. That’s when I wonder if I’ve made all of this up in my mind and it’s more than she thinks it was.
That’s all I need, me tripping over myself like a fool while she looks at me in disgust. That’s why I had to turn down the request for a visit. I don’t need the disappointment while I’m locked up. It will only eat at me for as long as I’m in here.
I’m allowed an hour a day outside and I usually spend it walking the perimeter of the fence. I want to stretch my legs and walk as much as I can before I go back into my cell. The sun is out today and I take my shirt off while I walk. That’s one thing I liked about working construction. On the days when we were down a man, I’d haul lumber or hammer in a roof. I liked being outside with the sun on my back and feeling like I earned what I made that day.
Some of the guys in the yard watch me as I do my laps, but my size and overall appearance keep them from approaching me. It won’t last long, but I’m glad to have the peace and quiet for now.
The alarm sounds when the hour is over and we have to line up to go back inside. I’m not ready to leave but I have no choice and I pull my shirt on before I’m led back to my cell.
When the door slams shut behind me and the locks engage, I turn around and face my cot and see that there’s something on it. It’s a small white envelope with cursive writing on the front of it.
I walk over and pick it up and see it’s a letter from Lizzy. My hand shakes so badly I drop it back onto my threadbare blanket and take a small step back. That’s all the room I have to get away from it before I’m hitting a wall.
I don’t know how long I stand there and stare at it before it gets the better of me and I sit down on the bed and open it up. I almost tear the thing in half with my clumsy hands. I’m like a bear trying to fold tissue paper, but eventually I get it.
My eyes scan the paper and I see her beautiful penmanship. She writes like a princess and I lie back on my cot to soak in every word.
* * *
Dear Rocco,
I sent you a request to come see you but I never heard back. It’s hard to know if you got the request or you rejected it. Either way, I thought maybe this might be the better solution for now, at least until I can see you in person and say what it is that’s been on my heart the past weeks.
Thank you for saving me that day from Gabe. I know that you did everything to protect me and I don’t know how I can ever repay you for what you did. I don’t blame you and I think you being in jail is just awful.
I was at the courtroom the day you were sentenced and it broke my heart hearing the judge issue the punishment. It’s not fair, and I’ve written to our state senators to look over your trial and see if justice was served. I don’t know if it will do any good, but every day I call and leave messages with their office staff. I feel like eventually someone will look into it because of how annoying I can be. Well, maybe not annoying, but persistent? I like to look at the positive in every situation, but I’m having a hard time seeing it with you sitting behind bars.
This is all just a jumbled mess in my head and I’ve got so much to tell you, but maybe you’d rather I let this go. I don’t know who else to turn to and I need you to know that your actions weren’t in vain.
You saved me that day, Rocco. I can’t think about what would have happened to me if you hadn’t shown up and come to my rescue. I keep thinking of you as my guardian angel, and when I think about you with a pair of wings on it makes me smile.
I’ll always think of you as the man who saved my life and the man who sacrificed himself and his freedom so that I could walk free. You will never know how truly grateful I am, and I’d love a chance to talk to you more and get to know you better.
I hope this makes it to you, and I hope you write back. But if you don’t, no hard feelings. I’ll be forever yours.
* * *
The one you saved,
Lizzy
I run my fingers over the letters and picture her sitting at a desk with the sun shining down on her as she writes it. I read it again quickly and then once more, slower this time. I spend hours analyzing every word and her sentence structure. I think over what she’s saying and what else she might mean and what I’m going to say when I write back.
Will I write back?
I shake my head at my own question because of course I will. I can’t not send her a letter back and have her think that her words fell on deaf ears. What she said moved something inside of me and now there is a place in my chest with her name on it.
When the next guard comes through on patrol I ask for pen and paper and he informs me that I’ll have to wait until tomorrow. I stare at him for a long moment then decide that I can’t wait that long. I bribe him with some cash and cigarettes even though I don’t smoke and I get the stuff I need right away. That’s the only way to get shit done in a prison.