“What? You’re not what?”
“I just… There’s some stuff I need to work out.”
“What kind of stuff?”
He doesn’t reply for a moment, and just when I think he’s going to give me the silent treatment once more, he finally speaks.
“I’m not a good man, Katelyn.”
“You’re the best man.”
“I want to be.”
“Then you are, Luke.”
“If only it were that simple.”
“But don’t you see? It is that simple. As a man thinketh.”
“What?”
“As a Man Thinketh. It’s a book. My—” I stop.
I was about to say my Aunt Agnes gave me the book. When I was fourteen. The last summer I spent at the brownstone in Brooklyn…until I was eighteen.
And then…
Funny. After everything I’ve been through, I haven’t given the book a thought. But now, with Luke going through stuff of his own, it comes to mind.
Why didn’t I think about it to help myself all those years?
And it dawns on me…
Sometimes it takes loving another to become what you’re meant to be.
“Why did you stop, Katelyn? Tell me about this book.”
“It’s not a book so much as an essay. You know, a really short book. Who was the author? A guy named James Allen, I think. Anyway, the message is pretty universal. Basically, you are what you think you are.”
“I see.”
“So as long as you think you’re not worthy, you aren’t. But I can tell you that you are. You’re worthy of everything.”
“Katelyn, you are worthy of everything.”
“You know what? You’re right. I know that now. I kept my strength during those years. It was hard, but I didn’t always have that strength, Luke. There was a time…” I inhale.
He raises his eyebrows, telling me to continue.
I blow out my breath slowly. “There was a time when I wanted to end my life.”
He pulls me close to him, kisses the side of my neck. “Baby, no.”
“You can’t imagine what it was like for me.”
“I can’t. I absolutely can’t. I don’t think anyone can who hasn’t lived it.”
“Just imagine how bad you think it was, and then realize it was probably worse.”
He pulls away then, meets my gaze. “I can’t. I can’t think of you like that, Katelyn. It will kill me. And I’ll need to…”
“What?”
He curls his hands into fists. “Nothing. Never mind.”
“It’s okay. I love you. I got through the horror of those years. And whatever you’re hiding, Luke, you’ve gotten through it. It’s over.”
“That’s the problem, Katelyn. It’s not over for me. It absolutely is not over.”
19
LUKE
I rise then.
In a few moments, I’m dressed. I pick up Katelyn’s clothes and set them on the bed for her. “I shouldn’t have left you here last night,” I say. “Your safety is the most important thing to me, and once I’m back in LA—”
“You’re going back to LA?”
Damn. Probably shouldn’t have said that. Something about Katelyn makes me want to be totally honest. However, if I am totally honest, she will go screaming and running away.
She can think she won’t. She can think that our love is all that matters. In an ideal world, she’s right.
We don’t live in an ideal world.
But I can’t lie to her. I’m keeping so much away from her as it is.
“Yes, I’m going back to LA.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“Some things I need to take care of, baby. Family stuff.”
She nods. “Actually…I have some family stuff in LA right now too. My dad is going in for a liver biopsy.”
“I’m sorry. Is he okay?”
“Most likely. Chances are the tumor is benign, according to my mom. Of course she wants me to drop everything and go back there to support her. But I’m starting a new job on Monday. I told her I can’t.”
Thank God for Katelyn’s new job. Otherwise, she would have a perfect excuse to go running back to LA with me.
I can’t have that.
I can’t have her anywhere near danger.
“I’m glad he’s okay.”
“Well, like I said, he’s most likely okay.”
“I’m also really happy for you about the job, Katelyn. I know you’ll kill it.”
“I hope so. Part of me wishes I could go back to LA. I don’t want you to leave, Luke.”
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
No lie there. I will be back as soon as I can. However, “as soon as I can” may be a long time, and I may not live through it.
I can’t tell her that. I absolutely can’t.
“Tell me about this job. What will you be doing?”
“I wish I knew. I’m totally not qualified for it, but Reid and Zee want to give me this chance. I hope I don’t let them down.”
“Baby, you could never let anyone down.”
“Luke, I have no experience. I was a lifeguard when I was a teen. Then, on my way to college, I got taken. I have absolutely no work experience and certainly nothing that would help me in an office setting.”
“But you’re smart, you’re strong, and you’re willing to learn. That’s probably what they see in you.”
“Yeah. That’s what they say, anyway.”
“These people want to help you. All you have to do is let them.”
“They feel responsible for me.”
“While they’re not personally responsible, Derek Wolfe is. They’re trying to make up for what he did. I totally understand where they’re coming from.”
More than she knows. The problem? I’ll never be able to totally make up for everything I’ve done. But I will try. And I will most likely die trying.
Perhaps the red will never be completely off my ledger, but I have to do something.
You’ve done something, the angel on my shoulder says. You gave evidence to the authorities.
That just makes you a canary, the devil on my other shoulder says.
They’re both right. I still feel like shit.
“Yeah, I get how they’re feeling,” she says.
“Don’t you worry. You’re going to be fantastic.”
“What will I do? You’re not going to be here.”
“Baby, I won’t be of any help to you with your job.”
“But just knowing that you’re here. That will help me more than anything.”
“I will be here,” I say, touching her chest. “Right in here.”
I get a smile out of her then. It’s a weak smile, but at least it’s a smile.
“I’ll always be in your heart too, Luke.”
“You will,” I say.
“I just wish…”
“Me too, baby. Me too.”
More than you know.
The next morning, I rise early. I sit next to Katelyn when I’m dressed.