The infinite fire that would consume me.
It was all fucking lust.
I was consumed by desire and blinded by a passion—driven by the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. If I ever come out of my celibacy, I’d try those same positions and see if it was the advice or if we did have that off-the-charts chemistry that almost burned the sheets.
After a long silence, I feel Autumn’s hand patting mine. I turn to look at it, but not at her. “It still hurts, huh?”
I rub my forehead with my thumb and lean closer. She’s not wrong. There’s a lot of pain inside me, but it’s not what she thinks.
“It’s complicated.”
People are usually scared of that word. Complicated. It can mean so many things. When I say it in reference to Callie, everyone backs off. Not Autumn.
“Isn’t it always? I’m sure you hear this all the time, but if you ever need someone to talk to about her, I’m here. Unlike many, I’ve been where you are. It’s been six long years without Pax, and it still hurts. A lot. You can’t stop loving someone who just left without warning. You lost her what, two, maybe three years ago?”
“Two and a half.”
“There’s no deadline to feel better.”
“As time passes, it hurts more,” I disclose, unable to stop myself. If this were someone else, I’d be storming out of the office. Instead, I’m glued to my chair, saying everything out loud.
“The pain isn’t much about losing the woman I loved but everything that happened. My infatuation for her made me believe that she was the love of my life.”
If I ever have a child, which I doubt, I’ll explain to him that there’s a difference between lust and love. It’s not always love at first sight. Beware, or it’ll kill your heart, and your stupidity will trap you. I shouldn’t have children. I don’t deserve them. The thoughts of what would have happened if she were alive haunt me. I try to push them away, but they fight back the same way Calliope and I did toward the end of our relationship.
“I realized that we were too different. It was ending. I didn’t want to accept it. We were destined to end like my parents in a loveless marriage or a destructive divorce. I had no idea how I got into that situation. After the accident, I fell in love with the idea of her again.
“I forgot, more like scrapped all her flaws and pretended we had a fulfilling marriage. I mourned a woman who was in a catastrophic accident. Not Callie, my wife. I guess it was the guilt or the pain of losing someone. At some point in our relationship, I loved her. Maybe not the way you love the woman you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with, but I had feelings toward her.”
There’s a knock on the door, and Brandt steps inside with the food. I’m thankful for the interruption because this conversation got out of control.
“I added some cookies for your daughter,” he says, looking at Autumn.
“You know my daughter?”
He nods. “Almost everyone knows about the little girl who always wants her frosty-fruity-shake.”
“You should change the name,” Autumn says, grabbing the cookies. “Thank you so much, Brandt.”
“If you need anything else, I’ll be in the kitchen, Zach.”
“Thank you, Brandt.”
“Wow, he knows my child. I bet Aiden or Miranda bring her more times than they should.”
“As do you.”
She nods, taking a bite of her sandwich.
“This place is a good incentive. I’m glad you opened this branch, though my wallet hates you a little.”
We eat in silence, and before she opens her chips, she says, “Pax wasn’t perfect, you know? We had our fights. He depended too much on his family, and a lot of times, he put them before me. I hated him when he did so, but he argued that they supported us. I’d prefer to live in a hut and away from their snobbishness, though he never acknowledged that they mistreated me. In spite of that, I loved him.”
So, we’re circling back to Callie, aren’t we? “You remember Pax with love. He upset you, but you don’t wake up wanting to…”
I gather my thoughts.
“A year after she died, the blindfold I put on began to disappear. I couldn’t remember the good times because we didn’t have many. It wasn’t the best time of my life. It was bad. Really bad. And I feel like an asshole because I was told not to talk shit about the dead. You’re not supposed to hate your late wife.”
“It’s okay to let the emotions out,” she says reassuringly.
I recap the version I told Ford just a few days ago, but I add, “I think she was pregnant.”
She’s about to take a sip of her drink when she stops giving me a confused gaze. “You think?”
“During our last fight, she said she was, but she didn’t want it. She didn’t want a family.”
Autumn covers her mouth. Her eyes are as wide as a saucer.
“She threatened to go to the clinic to get rid of the baby. You know what’s the worst part of all this mess?”
She shakes her head.
“I don’t even know if she was pregnant or if she was just fucking with my head. That’s the kind of person Callie was. She knew how to fuck with people’s heads. I thought she was the perfect person for me, but she fucked me up. I’m broken. I feel guilty, ashamed, and angry.”
I look down at my sandwich but can’t continue eating. My stomach is tied in knots, and I’m no longer hungry. I want to leave the office and find something to do. Probably run around the city until I’m so fucking tired my brain can’t process a single thought. I hate to think about the past and the future…how do I deserve a future when Callie will never have one?
“That’s why you work so much, isn’t it?”
“It’s a way to cope.”
“I’m not a professional, but I can tell you that you haven’t grieved at all. A counselor will help you sift through your emotions and make sense of what’s happening to your head and your heart. Learn to forgive her and yourself.”
“It won’t fix the main problem. She’s never coming back.”
“You weren’t the cause of the accident. It’s hard to understand. You feel guilty and think you don’t deserve to live. Even when your feelings for her are extremely complicated, you shouldn’t be carrying that guilt.”
Who is to blame then?
“As much as I’d love to stay, I need to go,” she says, wiping her mouth with a paper napkin.
“I’ll get you something so you don’t have to cook dinner.”
“It’s not about dinner. I have to figure out Matilda’s birthday present.”
Since I don’t want to let her go yet, I say, “Let me help you.”
This might be the most stupid thing I’ve said today, but for some strange reason, I want to spend more time with her.
Chapter Fifteen
Zach
“You’re going to help me find a present for a seven-year-old girl?” Autumn laughs.
It’s a rich sound that sends shivers throughout my body and loosens up my tight muscles. I like it. I want to listen to it more often.