I believe that by having a dog, I’d help them solve their problems. The fact is they don’t need me in their lives. Autumn is doing well enough without having me around. After my long conversation with Seth, I realized that he was right.
Did I want to share more of those fun, happy moments with them?
Probably, but that’s not for me. While I got to know Matilda, watched Autumn interact with her daughter, and sang “Happy Birthday,” some strange emotions crept inside my chest. They were overwhelming. It took me a couple of days to snap out of the spell. The reality is that I can’t handle the emotions.
I understand that my place is far away from the Wickerton family. What would happen to me if I got used to them?
I don’t deserve to feel content, even happy.
When I walked away that night, knowing that I put a smile on those angelic faces was enough. Do I want to do it again? Sure, I got such a high from it, but I also know that I won’t be able to handle the guilt after the high is over.
By the end of January, game night with my brothers and Seth becomes a thing. Instead of Saturdays, we switch it to Tuesdays. It’s the weekend of Valentine’s Day when Burke drags me out of the house. I’m thankful because, for some crazy reason, I wanted to search for Autumn. Something about it being a holiday and remembering Matilda’s party makes me want to reach out to her. I don’t.
This isn’t the first time I’ve wondered about her whereabouts. I want to spend more time with her. I should leave town again to put some distance between Autumn and me.
Other people need me. She already had her turn.
But what if you need her?
Persephone Brassard-Chadwick wasn’t wrong when she said I live my life trying to save others. But do I want to fix my life? I have a vision of how the rest of my life is going to look. I can’t comprehend why no one can understand it, but I want to keep walking the same road.
So what if saving others is all I’ve been doing for the past three years? Am I trying to save Callie over and over again? No. I know it’s impossible. She won’t come back. In my dreams, she never comes back. She doesn’t listen to me.
Am I so crippled with guilt that the only thing I can do is look at other people’s problems and fix them? I’m not sure, but that’s what Kingston said to me the other day. His exact words were, “You look into everyone’s issues instead of looking at yourself and living your life free of guilt.”
Teddy killed it with, “You think that if you never look at your reflection, you’ll never see your ugly reality. The problem is that there’s no ugliness, just a sad man who is afraid of living. You didn’t kill your wife. It wasn’t your fault she was on that bus. Who knows, maybe if she hadn’t boarded that bus, she would’ve died in some other way. It was her time.”
Am I pathetic? I don’t know, but they’re right. I avoid thinking about myself or my well-being. Maybe for the anniversary of her death, I’ll start living more for myself.
As we enter the Silvermoon, I want to drive back home. There’s a big crowd, too much noise, and women who I bet are trying to find someone to take them home tonight. I can’t. I plan on keeping my celibacy until the day I die. This isn’t my scene. I have no fucking idea what my scene is anymore.
Silvermoon has different rooms within the bar. Burke takes us to the R & B room, and the atmosphere is calm enough that I relax.
When we find a high table and sit on the stools, he asks, “What happened to you?”
Talk about confusing the fuck out of a person. “Me? What are you talking about?”
“You used to be the life of the party. In college, you dragged us to parties. Now, I’m the one dragging you out of the house, and you can’t pretend to be happy for you or anyone. Tonight is supposed to be about me. This isn’t a funeral.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Happy for you? A funeral? We’re here because of you?”
I thought it was because it’s Valentine’s Day weekend.
“I told you we were celebrating the acquisition of my vineyard.”
Okay, I need to start paying more attention to what he says.
“You bought a vineyard?” Am I so out of it that I missed his announcement? “I thought you—” I shrug because he might get upset if I say that I thought it was just a phase, and he’d move on from trying to become a winemaker.
He doesn’t know shit about grapes. Is he going to sell his part at RCC and move to…? “Where is this vineyard?”
“Ugh.” He rolls his eyes, annoyed. “See. You don’t give two shits about me. It’s in Silver Lake.”
“Woohoo.” I try to sound sarcastic, but I sound annoyed as fuck.
“Please don’t sound so enthusiastic.”
It’s not that I don’t care, I…I look at Burke and realize that since Callie died, I’ve lost track of him. We live together, but we’re not as close as we used to be. He is my best friend. Sure, I have other close friends, but this guy and I have been together since we were created. Yet our relationship isn’t the same as it used to be years ago.
This is fucked up.
If I’m not close to him, I’m not close to anybody. I should use this night to get drunk out of my mind. Use the alcohol to purify my brain and hopefully shake off some of the stupidity. I’m lucky he still gives a shit about me.
“I’m happy for you.” I try to sound supportive this time around.
“Instead of lying, why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I’d love it if you changed your attitude toward life, but since it’s not the season for miracles, I want to know what you think about my acquisition. Something tells me that you disapprove.”
Okay, he asked for it. “Are you sure you want to dedicate your life to wine?”
“I’m not dedicating it one hundred percent. Though, there are a lot of reasons I think it’s fitting. I thought we already discussed it, but I’m sure you were too occupied with saving the world and brooding to pay attention to me. In any case, it’s not about wine, but the grape.”
“The grape? How so?”
“You can do a lot more than wine with grapes. Also, there are many kinds of wine. I can produce champagne if I find the right vineyard.”
“That doesn’t make any sense or answer my question. There has to be a reason the nerdiest of the St. James siblings is interested in wine and not in the next software or hardware product.”
“Women love wine and champagne.”
I scoff. “Are you seriously wasting your money on vineyards to get women?”
He waves a hand. “You wouldn’t understand. Plus, I’m not the nerdiest. Teddy is nerdier than me.”
“Poor kid, I tried to make her normal, but she had to follow in your footsteps.”
He gives me an unamused look.
“Either way, explain to me this need to buy all the vineyards in the world?”
He tilts his head toward the bar. “Follow me.”
Sometimes, despite my best efforts, life puts me in front of the person I’ve been trying to avoid for a long time. When we reach the bar, I come face-to-face with Autumn Wickerton.
Fuck.