I glare at him the same way that I do with Matilda when she’s trying to hide something. “Who else knows about us other than Teddy, Burke, and Myles?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “What can I say? Teddy likes to keep the channels of communication open between all of us.”
“So, all your siblings know.”
“Mom and Dad too.”
I sigh. “So let me get this straight, your entire family knows that we’re together?”
“That sounds about right,” he confirms. “They’re discreet.”
“As long as we still keep it secret from the rest of the world, Matilda, and definitely my family.”
He nods. “We can do that.”
“It’s just…I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.”
By now, I’m not sure what that means. I like to spend time with Zach. There are so many things I like about him and maybe like isn’t the right word. I definitely don’t want to use the word love. It’s sacred, scary, but maybe fitting. Most days, he’s what I need. He understands it. He understands me. He’s the light in the darkness. The warmth on a cold night. The calm that recognizes the chaos inside and celebrates it instead of judging it. He’s simple. He’s complicated. He’s rough on the outside, but I’m falling in love with his tender heart.
We stare at each other. He moves in close and runs his fingertips along my cheek. I lean into the touch and rest my head on his chest. I enjoy these moments just as much as I enjoy the ones when we’re in bed naked. I can lose myself inside him. I tip my head up and kiss his jaw.
“You should stay tonight,” he whispers into my ear, making me shiver. “We can watch movies in the media room, and tomorrow, I’ll make waffles. By the way, it’s Mom’s party tomorrow. You should come with me.”
I shake my head. “Actually, I have to meet with a classmate. We have a project on Monday, and we need to fine-tune a few things before we submit it.”
He frowns. “What’s going to happen with Matilda?”
“Aiden and Miranda can take care of her.”
“Or I can bring her with me.”
My heart beats a little too fast. “To your mom’s party?”
“It’s a brunch. We’ll be there for a couple of hours, and then we can come back here.”
“She’s going to get bored.”
“Teddy will be there. She’s like a kid, and Matilda adores her.”
“True.”
His pleading face is adorable. I’m not sure if he’s learning that from Matilda or if he’s always been like this, but I find it hard to say no to him. I sigh. “Okay.”
He hugs me and twirls me around. “You make me happy.”
And he makes it impossible not to be happy or fall in love with him. There’s such magic within him. He makes rainbows in the middle of a storm. When he has his arms wrapped around me, I feel the warmth of his body, of his heart. The beating of his heart that gives me life. He makes me happy, but sometimes the happiness turns into sadness. Pax’s memory isn’t fading, but the Pax that lives in my head and talks to me at night hasn’t shown up in months. How am I supposed to keep him alive when all I want is to spend the night nestled with Zach?
I’m well aware that time has passed, and it’ll keep passing. He’s never coming back. I saw him leave, take his last breath. I know that time will continue to pass. Seconds, minutes, days. It’s been years. Our last kiss was the last. Forever. We won’t get to fight again. He won’t see his daughter grow up. The hope of having a family left with him. Desperation and guilt ate at me for years, yet within the past few months, all those feelings have disappeared.
And what am I supposed to do now? Let Zach all the way in and pray that he doesn’t leave or break our hearts?
Well, it’s too late for that question, as I know he’s already taken my heart, and he lives in my soul.
Chapter Thirty-One
Autumn
Zach picks up Matilda around ten in the morning. She wears her favorite purple dress and asks me to braid her hair like a princess fairy.
She shows me her zebra. “Can I take Zach with me?”
Zach’s ready to go. He glances at me and shrugs.
“You just have to remember to keep track of him.”
“I will,” she says excitedly.
“Thank you for trusting me with her,” Zach says.
“You know the drill.”
He nods. “No more than one cookie. Make sure she eats all her greens. Remind her to use her p’s & q’s.”
“What’s your rule?”
“Don’t spoil her.” He winks. “I’ll try my best.”
I don’t love that he’s taking my child to a stuffy party without me. While growing up, I hated those events. Fake people are showing up with the latest designer outfits criticizing anyone who looked better than them. I don’t want that for my child. At least Teddy is around. She’s pretty down-to-earth and adores my child. Not that I don’t trust that Zach will take care of Matilda. However, two people watching over her is better than one.
During my stay in the library, I’m restless. I want to reach out for my phone and ask if everything is okay, but I don’t. However, before leaving the library, I get a text from Zach. He wants me to meet him at my apartment. When I ask if Matilda is okay, he swears she’s doing well.
On my drive back home, it’s almost impossible not to think what could’ve gone wrong during the party. There has to be a reason he doesn’t want us to meet at his house. I imagine my child wearing a cast, with stitches in her forehead, or…what happened to her?
I calm down when I remember that Zach would’ve needed me to go to the hospital if she’d had a medical emergency. When I enter my apartment, he’s pacing back and forth between the kitchen and living room area. There’s no sign of Matilda, and he seems stressed.
Hesitantly I ask, “How was the party?”
He stops, looks at me apologetically, and shakes his head. “Megan Blackthorne was there.”
His words come like a punch to my gut, and I grab onto the door handle. I’m trying to catch my breath when I ask, “What happened? Did she take her away?”
“No,” he answers. “Matilda’s safe at my house with Teddy and my brothers. They’re training Stella, or at least that’s the excuse while I came to see you.”
“I need to go to her.”
“We will, but we need to sit down and figure out what we’re going to do. Remember, we have to be proactive.”
“Okay, tell me what happened.”
“She was the only kid at the party. You know your child. She’s charming and witty. Everyone adored her”—he pauses and smiles with pride— “Everyone.”
“Don’t butter me up, St. James. What happened?” I insist, trying not to lose my shit.
I’m so close to screaming, panicking…I don’t even know if I’m going to go into angry-mama-bear mode or melting-depressed-as-fuck stage.
“Megan approached Mom and said, ‘I didn’t know you had a granddaughter. Who’s the father? Or did Theodora have a love child, and you’re just letting everyone know she screwed up.’”