“You’re thirty-two. Grow up, Burke.”
“Should I become a monk, like you?” He laughs.
“You think you’re funny, but you’re not.”
“Thank you for getting rid of her.”
“Listen, I’m not judging you, but you might want to change your strategy. These women swear this is more than a one-nighter.”
“It’s not like that.”
“I know, but they don’t. Knowing you, I bet you don’t tell them it’s a one-time thing. They live in this fantasy where they date the bachelor who might fall for them. What if they have the magic pussy that’ll make you change your ways?”
“You’re insane,” he argues.
“No. I’m dead serious. Try changing strategies.”
“What if they don’t want to come home with me?”
“For starters, try going to their place. You fuck, you leave. If they don’t like your conditions, then look for someone who shares your mindset.”
“Since when did you become the logical one?”
I shiver because he’s right. “Who knows?”
“Anything else before I go back to work?”
“Nah, I’m heading to Denver. Wait, maybe warn your housekeeper about the lipstick on your mirror,” I suggest.
“Lipstick?”
“That’s where she left you her phone number. She’s hoping you call later today, Pookie Boo.”
I laugh and hang up without waiting for his comeback.
My family swears that being close to Callie’s family is weird. It’s not at all. They’re pretty cool. Edna and Octavio, her parents, are retired archeologists. They traveled all around, and I could listen to their stories for hours. Their children and their spouses are just as fun, and we have a lot in common. They like to help others around the world.
Persy and Ford Chadwick live on a ranch thirty minutes west of Denver. The house is one-hundred-percent sustainable. Eros and his wife, Liv, are building something similar. The one-hundred-acre lot is next to Persy and Ford’s ranch. They plan on growing their food and recycling everything, even the water.
Persy, who is an influencer, a therapist, and a podcaster, has her offices and studio in the house. Since I’m visiting on a Wednesday, I get to listen to the show. She also asked me to participate. She wants me to talk about coffee. Eros and Olivia are here to discuss sustainable homes.
“What is it this time?” Eros asks. “How to use the tickle me clitto? I can give her audience a tip or two on oral—no need for toys. I’m good at it, aren’t I, babe?”
Liv slaps his arm playfully. “Stop it.”
“Ouch.”
“Stop mocking your sister. Also, you’re not talking about our sex life on the air,” she berates him.
“She mocked me for years. She still talks about her man-child, playboy brother as if he was an idiot.” He glares at Olivia. “I’m a married man. I shouldn’t be part of her propaganda. You should stop the nonsense instead of feeding her ideas.”
Liv grins. “It’s fun to hear about this mythical Eros. I might leave you for him.”
He takes her in his arms. “You wouldn’t dare, babe.”
“I wouldn’t,” she agrees, pushing herself up on her tiptoes and kissing him.
“You two are disgusting,” I complain.
This is the downside of hanging out with them. They’re affectionate with their significant other. My siblings and I have never been big on PDA. Well, except for Archer. He’d had a steady girlfriend since middle school. Piper and Archer were disgustingly inseparable. Callie and I had a great sex life, but we weren’t that affectionate. I always thought it’d happen with time, but we ran out of time before we fell madly in love with each other.
Is this why I avoid women? Because I’m afraid that maybe one of them will prove my theory and show me that I never loved my wife?
“Okay, we’re going to record, but don’t interrupt. Pretend it’s live. That way, I don’t have to edit much,” Persy says before starting the show.
Podcast Week 22 Season 9
October 27th (Two and a half years after Callie died)
“Hello, all you beautiful people. I’m Persy, and this is Life with Persy. Each week, I’m answering your questions about your relationships with your cat, your significant other, your parents, your siblings, and your roommate, to name a few.
“Need to get along with a nosey neighbor from hell? There’s always a solution.
“Did you marry the grump next door, and he’s driving you crazy? I have a trick or two to tame your man.
“Does that cute guy from Tinder come with more baggage than you bargained for? We’ll talk it up and dish it out here.
“I’ll offer advice, tactics, and tools that you can use in your daily life to create your own slice of happiness.
“Just a reminder, this podcast is not suited for work, but you can play it almost everywhere else on your favorite podcast listening devices.
“Welcome to our podcast. This week, we have a few guests with us who will talk about sustainable homes and the best way to prepare an espresso coffee. And since the holidays are close, we’re discussing family and how to decide where to spend those special dates. You can do what our family does every holiday. All the families get together to celebrate. In-laws come together so the grandchildren can spend quality time with everyone, so stick around.”
I stop recording and explain what’s happening to Eros, Liv, and Zach. “We’re taking this call first. After I’m done with her, we’ll record our segment. I’ll just edit it, so the caller is the last part of the show. Ready?”
The three of them nod, and I start recording again.
“Let’s read an email we got from a loyal listener.
Dear Persy, I need help. My mom doesn’t have a life. It’s been years since my dad died. She says she’s not good at life and love. We listen to your show often, except when we have to turn it off because your content can be too...adulty. Since you’re an expert, I think you should help her find the right man.
Thank you,
Desperate in Seattle.
P.S. Here’s my phone number so you can call us in case you choose this email. Please, pick me.
“This is an interesting letter. Well, Desperate in Seattle, I’m thankful that you listen to us, and I understand that you have to turn off the show when things get adulty. I’m sure your children will be able to listen to it once they’re older. I have so many questions for you, and that’s why I’m calling you. I hope you’re ready.”
“Hello,” a small voice answers.
“Hi, this is Persy Brassard from the Life of Persy, can I—”
“Oh my God, she chose my email. Miranda, she’s calling!”
The child on the other side of the line is hysterically happy. I don’t think she’s aware that I’m calling someone else.
“Umm, I’m trying to reach Desperate in Seattle or Matilda Wickerton,” I say, trying to get her attention so I can talk to her mother.
“This is Matilda,” she answers.