“Madden?” Andy called out, catching me sitting on one of the subwoofers.
“Hey,” I answered softly, feeling too much while also not feeling much of anything. It was confusing, scouring my brain for emotions that didn’t make sense. Only one more show in Glasgow; I could safely say the US tour better not be as shitty. Now that I felt, though? Everything bothered me, even the little shit that never mattered before.
“Where’s everyone?”
“You didn’t see them leave?” I stared at her. Her makeup was smeared like she’d been crying and her dress seemed a little higher than it was. She was a mess and not by my own hands.
“I needed a breather,” she mentioned, her face one of someone who experienced way too much in a short amount of time.
“Come here,” I directed, opening my arms to her. It was one of the first times I initiated touching when sex wasn’t involved. We were coals, smoldering but fucking dust once crushed.
She stood in front of me, her messy eyes saying she felt alone. I hated that. That I put that emotion there, that Candy worsened it, that I didn’t see it even when she warned me at the last show.
“I didn’t think this tour would be so miserable.” Her voice cracked, her bottom lip and chin quivering like she was about to cry.
“Don’t cry, little demon,” I tried consoling her, knowing affirmations were part of her love language. Carson’s was touch and giving acts of service. Andy seemed to need affirmations and gestures. Pulling her onto my lap, I held her to me.
It was so weird, feeling her body against mine entirely. Almost every inch of her pressed against me. My chest rumbled with peace, like I couldn’t believe I’d been given the gift of her closeness.
I kissed her forehead. The refreshing tang of her normal citrus scent invaded my nose. She calmed me. I realized she was the only one who settled my demons. While the guys set off my anger, only worsening it with their logic, she seemed to be able to soothe me in a way they couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I finally let out. She sniffled, her teary eyes gazing at mine in question. “I’m sorry I didn’t come back sooner.”
As if that broke her, her whole body shook with sadness. I knew what it felt like to be abandoned, and I never intended to abandon her or Cars. They didn’t realize how much they both forced me to feel and if I didn’t leave when I did, I might’ve offed myself.
She snuggled into the bend where my shoulder met my neck, quieting her sniffles. “It hurt me to walk away, it hurt me to stay away, but what hurt me the most was knowing you were moving on without me.”
“I never moved on,” she conceded, her voice muffled. “I was so lost without you that I pretended to be happy so I could settle.”
I kissed her forehead once more, not knowing how to respond. I hated Brandon, that stupid sniveling dick, but I hated that I drove her to him. To the point where she felt the need to escape into a boring life to appease her sadness.
Chapter Forty-Five
One Last Time – The Plot in You
Andy
We were headed to the US. I boarded the plane feeling too many things to specify. We would be back in California to kick off the American tour, then we’d be going to several West Coast cities before heading to the East Coast.
My stomach churned, thinking of being back in Cali. Europe was perfect, it helped me realize my feelings for Madden went deeper than sexual. It didn’t help that he wouldn't let me touch him still.
When we kissed, it was on his terms.
When we fucked, it was his choice.
When we’d touch, it was his direction.
I wanted to hug him, kiss him, take his cock in my mouth without having to beg him. He seemed to like the thought of me begging, but there were times a darkness overcame his face when I reached for him.
It was the part closed off to me.
Even after our time in the sex club, there was a distance he held between us. I couldn’t put my finger on it and maybe it was my anxiety, but insecurity drove me most days, especially in the case of Madden.
“Ready to go home?” Stony asked me. Crazy enough, on this trip, he had been the one I’d gotten closer to. Staring at him, sadness overwhelmed me. He noticed immediately and went to reach for me. Before he could, Madden moved him away.
“What’s wrong?” Madden asked me, his face unyielding and full of an edge that unsettled me. That was our problem, we were push and pull, a current and a wave, and we were bound to drown in one another.
“Nothing.” I admitted nothing, allowing myself to shut off the sadness. We were disconnected when we were supposed to be a part of one another.
After his show last night, he was cold. Something bothered him, and he wouldn’t tell me what it was. Maybe he worried too, that once we got back to America, everything would be up in the air.
It was so easy when we were younger. We spent time swimming, going to movies, binging shitty TV shows and soap operas when my parents were still alive. We used to jam out and scream My Chem on the lame karaoke machine I had.
Everything we did, it was together. It bonded us. Between texts, calling, and flying to and from each other’s houses, we were as close as Madden and Cars.
But everything shifted.
Then he left.
We changed.
Now, we’re stuck in this middle area.
And when he found out I never directly ended it with Brandon, he would leave me. I knew it as well as I knew the anger behind his eyes from my lie.
Maybe he could feel it when I avoided phone calls and emails. I didn’t ever have to work, Dox made sure of that, but I never intended to stop living.
Now, as the doors closed on the jet and Madden glared at everything from over the aisle, I bristled. How did going back home help? Would Brandon show up? Did he know I left with Madden?
I’d been super unwilling to give him any information. Just told him I wasn’t ready to get married and that I needed to talk to him. But talking to him this soon, before I’d been able to convince Madden I wanted him... it complicated everything.
The plane went up and Stony came over to me again. Madden glowered at him the entire time, but Carrig soon distracted him.
“So, small fry, what has you looking amiss?”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I muttered, feeling my face heat to insurmountable levels. How did I tell him there was so much left unsaid to my ex and that he probably didn't even view himself as an ex, that this entire trip I spent in Madden's bed was time he would consider cheating?
Stony stared at me, his eyebrows raised in a way that let me know I was full of shit. And I was, it was apparent in the way I couldn’t look him in the eye. But I didn’t tell Madden, so how the fuck did I be honest with his bandmate?
“Madden has it bad for you,” he said. “Cars hasn’t been forthcoming about your past, but something tells me it’s a complicated one with many questions attached.”
I swallowed, wanting to cry. Did Cars mention I was Madden’s aunt? He wouldn’t do that, right?
“It’s okay if you’re scared to talk, Andy. I understand what it’s like to hide beneath the covers, desperately hoping whatever is outside of them doesn’t creep under.”
Those words had my breath hitching. “I don’t want to hurt him,” I offered, not willing to give more than that. The bro code existed and with my luck, he’d tell Madden everything and I’d lose him forever.