The crease between her eyebrows was so prominent, I needed to let her know she was the only one I wanted. Because it was fucking true.
“You’re the only person I’ve ever dreamed of,” I vowed, my stomach filling with dread. I was too close to emotions better left untouched, but she needed reassurance and I couldn’t walk away knowing she thought I’d ever hurt her. “I’ve never wanted anyone else.”
Overhead, the captain came on through the speakers. “We’re expecting turbulence. We ask you to return to your seats and buckle up.”
I closed my eyes at the finality of his words, knowing that they were the worst possible ones to receive. Andy needed more from me, and not in front of others where they could judge her and ask her questions.
Fuck this plane.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Disposable Fix – The Plot in You
Andy
He stared at me in a way that hit me deeper. He didn’t realize his emotions were there, beneath the surface, just waiting to be experienced. If he did, would he crumble?
Holding in anger, hurt, and loss of that magnitude for so long, it hurt like a bitch. If he wasn’t sleeping with Candy, what could he possibly need to hide from me in the bathroom?
I thought back to my brother, to the first time I caught him using meth. He shot up at our parents’ house, Madden was about thirteen at the time.
I opened the bathroom door, the pale lavender the first thing I always noticed. Most of the rooms in the house were off-white. Mom and Dad thought it gave an expensive appearance but what they couldn’t grasp was that a mansion this size would always be more expensive than a fucking house that only appeared remodeled.
When I looked over at the hot tub—which was why I’d come in here in the first place—my heart stopped. Inside the tub, with a rubber band around his arm and a needle hanging out of it, was my brother. Dox.
In all the years he’d been dropping Madden over, I’d never seen him actively take drugs. Harley didn’t lie for him or make excuses, but her love for him, for the addict who didn’t hold back, kept her here.
If she wanted a clean break, she could have it—she could escape with Madden and be happy.
She wouldn’t.
But she should.
My stomach lurched as I imagined Madden coming upstairs and seeing his dad like this. He’d be devastated at the sight, and he already worshipped Dox.
I didn’t allow myself to think, I pulled the needle out of his arm and then took off the band. Without a second thought, I trashed it, hid the evidence of him doing drugs, and then decided I’d never let Madden know about this side of his dad.
He’d never have to see what I’ve seen and feel the way it ate at the mind. Dox was only selfish when he toured, but today, he decided to be selfish without the tour. Madden deserved more.
“What is this?” Harley asked, her voice harsh and low. I turned to her, my eyes wide and uncertain. She knew what Dox did and how he tried hiding it. But seeing her crestfallen face as her husband drowned in himself wasn’t easy.
“I didn’t know what to do,” I rasped, feeling a clogging emotion in my throat. My skin felt sticky, almost sweaty with nerves. I didn’t plan on telling her—or anyone, for that matter. And now, here she stood, her face pinched with loads of emotions I couldn’t begin to unravel.
“He’s overdosing,” she wondered aloud. Dox was famous, overdosing while at a fucking party was a new low, even for him.
“What do I do?” I asked for guidance, wanting to help.
“Be there for Madden,” Harley advised as she rubbed a palm down her face. “He’ll need someone to be there for him when we can’t be.”
“You’re always here,” I argued, unsure of what she meant and if the foreboding I felt was my nerves at witnessing my brother at a low or because I loved Madden as more than a nephew sometimes and she somehow knew it.
Shaking her head, she went to Dox and kneeled next to him, checking his pulse and visually inspecting him.
“We won’t always be here, Andy. He’ll need someone to love him in the way we never were able to. To guide him when he falls and wants to do stupid shit. Be that person. The one who shows him the good and why life is worth living. Give him a reason to choose the positive things and not be like his dad.”
I closed my eyes, tears gathering behind them. Raw and unyielding, I nodded, not knowing why she’d put this much pressure on me. They were the adults, not me.
Madden was my other half, even if I didn’t know it at the time.
We were raised in a broken castle where the prince and princess were forced to grow up without guidance.
I thought of my brother getting high in my bathroom that day, when he didn’t get to have the tour he wanted, and I think of how it wasn’t locked. Maybe Madden had the same vice and just didn’t want me to know.
That thought hurt as much as thinking that Dox could have died because I didn’t tell anyone he’d been getting high. If not for Harley coming in, taking over, he might not have made it. I ran with her parting words, took Madden to the pier, and we danced and smoked a ton of weed.
He said it was one of his favorite times with his parents, and hiding the fact that his dad fucked up made me feel like the worst aunt and friend.
Was it a mistake?
Madden went to his place with Stony when we landed, and as Royce drove me to mine, something foreboding hit me in my chest. It wasn’t the same as death—some people felt that in advance—it felt more like a warning.
Something was going to happen.
“Did you have fun?” Royce asked from the front of the town car. It surprised me since he didn’t speak much while driving, almost as if the silence helped him not yell at dumb drivers.
“I did.”
“When I saw you two on stage in Glasgow, it reminded me of when you and Dox were on stage in Sydney all those years ago,” he reminisced, reminding me of one of the best memories with my brother.
“I want to welcome the light of the dark—aside from my amazing son—Antoinette.”
It was my name on stage like Madden was Toland’s fake life name. But hearing the pride in his voice gave me pause. My brother was sober for once, not showing how fucked up he could get when life got too hard.
“I’m so proud of her, and she has a set of pipes on her too!” he added, the amusement apparent. Tonya looked me up and down and pushed me forward.
“Go on, he wants you to sing Nights Are for Sadness,” she explained, and I took in a deep breath. It wasn’t news that this song of his was about being alone on tour with no one to love and support him. It hurt me, knowing he struggled, especially since Harley was at home with Madden.
As time went on, we all knew he struggled with sobriety.
I made my way on stage and the crowd lost it. Dox turned to me, his eyes full of something I couldn’t quite describe, a feeling more than a worry, but exhilarating nonetheless.
“That’s my favorite girl,” Dox shouted, making the fans go even wilder. I was only thirteen, young but not unused to fame.
My brother might have been raised in a different state with many different life experiences, but he took me on tours when Madden was sick or when Harley couldn’t come.
I loved that about him, how he sacrificed for everyone he loved and still made time for me. We weren’t raised together, but he didn’t stop treating me like family.