Glancing over my shoulder, I shot Gia a sympathetic look. It felt cowardly to walk out on her, but I could hardly defy the king’s dismissal. Even if he was obviously sending us away so he could deal more severely with them.
Zeke offered to take Renley in hand, setting him up in a room in the apprentices’ section. When I looked at him gratefully, he gave me a knowing smile in return. My heart warmed at his understanding. As much as I wanted a quiet moment just with him, time with Airlie had to come first. It had been too long since the two of us were alone.
I led the way to Evermund’s suite, but as we reached the door, Airlie pushed past me, opening it and stepping inside first. My teeth clenched, but I forced them to relax, scolding myself for the instinctive reaction. Airlie likely hadn’t even realized she’d done it. She was just used to leading the way. And what did such trivialities matter compared to finding her alive and well? There had been too many days when such a happy ending seemed too much to hope for, and I refused to waste any of it in pointless arguments.
I followed her inside, closing the door behind me.
“It’s strange to be back here.” She looked around the living space with a bemused look in her eye.
“I’ll give you your room back, of course,” I said hurriedly. “We just thought it was sensible for me to stay there while you were gone.”
“You can share it with me, if you like,” she said absently, shaking her head. “Although it’s odd to think of just going back to being an apprentice, like none of it happened.”
“Do you not want to?” I asked. “Unfortunately, I don’t think you have a choice, given the laws and all.”
“No, I’m happy to be back.” Her eyes lingered on Evermund’s closed door.
“I’m glad to hear it,” I said. “It’s been hard without you, Air. You left big shoes to fill. I’m so used to everything being about you, it took me awhile to find myself.”
“All about me?” She reacted sharply, making me reconsider my words.
“I didn’t mean to criticize,” I said quickly. “Just to explain how strange it’s been. I know it wasn’t your fault our lives were always about you.”
“What are you talking about?” She stared at me with utter bemusement. “From my earliest memories, it’s always been about you, Cadence!”
“Me?” I gaped back at her, completely thrown off my mental track. “But you were always Father’s favorite.”
“Favorite? Is that what you call the endless pressure and demands? Always having to make allowances because you were younger. I had to be stronger and wiser and more restrained. I could never relax, never make a mistake in case something happened to you. My whole life has been nothing but my duty to look after you and keep you safe.”
I put my hands on my hips, my irritation rising, despite my recent resolution that I would never fight with her again. “Your whole life? So every time a boy walked straight past me to fawn over you—that was somehow about me? When I begged for us to leave our home after Father died, but you overrode me time and again and insisted we stay—that was about me? What about when you kept secrets from me and lied to me and dragged me to the Guild in your wake? Was that all about me?”
Airlie flushed. “I was afraid, all right? I was terrified of being alone and responsible for you—and apparently the fate of Calista into the bargain. And I didn’t even know why or how! I didn’t want to keep secrets! I kept them because Father told me keeping them would keep you safe.”
“Did you ever once consider how I might feel about it?” I asked. “You hated it when Father refused to answer our questions, telling us half-truths or refusing to say anything at all. Surely, once we came to the Guild, at least, you could have told me everything. Father had been gone for years by then!”
“I—” She started an angry retort, only to stop herself, her demeanor changing. Taking a deep breath, she started again. “You’re right. I told myself I was protecting you from the healing mages who could read deception, but that was only part of it. I could have told you more once we’d made it through the initial testing, at least. But it was such a habit by then—thinking of you as someone who needed to be sheltered and protected, even from herself.”
She looked down. “And, if I’m being completely honest, it was more than that. Do you know how it felt that for once someone was interested in me for my own sake, not for the service I could perform for you?”
“I wouldn’t know anything about that,” I said, but the words were quiet rather than angry, my emotions deflated by her admission. “No one has ever been interested in me, separate from you.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Really? Zeke looks pretty interested to me. And I suppose there’s been no interest in you at all since your power was activated?”
I stared at her. She was right, of course. I was talking nonsense—a lifetime of ingrained thinking and reflexive resentment that no longer made any sense.
“At first it was still about you,” I said slowly, putting up my hand to stop her when she looked upset by my words. “I was just filling in for you, keeping your position open for your return. But then it changed.” I looked across at her. “I’m sorry, Air. I understand now how it must have been hard for you, with everyone depending on you like that. I’ve hated all the pressure.”
I gave a shaky laugh. “While you were gone, I was your staunchest supporter—the one person convinced you would never just walk away. I devoted myself to rescuing you, and when we escaped from the raider settlement, I was so happy to have you back. I promised myself I would never fight with you or take you for granted again.”
Airlie chuckled. “When was that? Thirty minutes ago?”
I snorted. “More like fifteen.”
She threw her arms around me, squeezing tight.
“I love you, too, Cadence. But I’m not promising never to fight with you. Seventeen years of history isn’t that easy to overcome.”
I squeezed her back before pulling away. “Were you really afraid? Those two years we spent alone in our house? You always seemed so sure of yourself.”
She sighed. “Because I was afraid that if I cracked even the tiniest bit, I would crumble completely. Father told me to find someone powerful to activate me—he even instructed me how to trick someone into doing it. I was supposed to be powerful so I could protect you and make sure you ended up with the right influencer—even activate you myself, if need be. He instructed me on all sorts of dangers we might encounter.”
“Even neutralizers?” I asked, remembering the assassins who had burst into Evermund’s suite and thinking about the large, harmless looking seed currently stashed in the bottom of my pack.
She nodded. “But when he died, I just…froze. It was only when you were approaching seventeen that I was finally pushed into action. But now, with everything I’ve found out since…” She shook her head. “I’ve been so angry with him, Cadie. There were so many things he didn’t tell me—lies he told. Like telling me we were safe from the protections because we were Calistan. All the time he knew about it all—the wild power, your ability, Quirin and Dara’s settlement. We could have lived there, you know. With friends and family.”