Ten minutes that feel like ten hours later, Abby appears. Worry rules her pretty features but I try a smile to put her at ease even though it hurts my head to stretch my lips.
“Damn, ciliegina, you’re a sight for sore eyes. You okay?”
“Am I okay? Roman, you were unconscious!”
“And now I’m not.” She has a cut over her eyebrow but otherwise looks amazing. And safe. Most important of all, safe. “Wish I could have seen you take a swing at Wozniak.”
“It was something, all right. Suspension pending investigation, courtesy of the mighty Commissioner.”
“What? That’s ridiculous! I haven’t even had a chance to file a report.”
She swipes at a tear, and it pisses me off that she’s not coming close enough for me to touch her. “Did I screw up, Roman? Tell me the truth.”
“You probably should have gotten that kid to the medics yourself and sent someone else back in. On the other hand, I might be dead now if you hadn’t stuck around.”
“Or if you weren’t so concerned about getting me down the stairs safely you might have gotten out of there more quickly. Wouldn’t have had to worry about breaking my fall and saving my ass.”
We could argue about this all day, but I don’t care. We’re both here, gloriously alive, and I’m absolutely certain about what that means for the future.
I plan to use this gift wisely. No more sneaking around, pretending it’s just s-e-x. Something will have to change with the shifts at Engine 6 but we’ll work it out.
I reach for her, and she takes my hand, allowing me to pull her closer to the bed.
“I’ll take care of it. Talk to Venti, sort out this suspension bullshit. Right now, we need to talk.”
“I know.” She sounds miserable about it. “Roman, this can’t go on.”
“Yeah, something has to give,” I agree.
A flash of hurt in her eyes ratchets up my pulse. I have a bad feeling about this.
“We have to end this,” she says. “Before someone gets hurt. More than they already have.”
I sit up straighter. Pain ricochets a pinball path off my sore ribs. “Abby.”
“I almost got you killed because I disobeyed an order. I’m not good for you, Roman. My presence on your shift puts you and the whole crew in danger because the dynamic is off. I’m too willing to push back against you because I think I can get away with shit and you’re second-guessing your calls because you’re worried about me.”
She’s not wrong. But we can fix this.
“Which is why you should be on another crew. And then we can be together outside of the firehouse.”
She pulls away from me. “I finally understand what my dad’s been feeling all this time. My mom leaving him, knowing I’m in danger. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. And neither do I want to be with someone who walks that fine line between heroism and death.”
Like her? This makes no sense.
“Abby, let’s talk about this.”
“It’s best to stop and draw a line under it, before we get too involved.”
Too involved? Too fucking late. I’m already in so deep here, I’m drowning in her.
Try to see it from her side. She was spooked about the call, how close we came to taking a dirt nap. The first time you make it out of a life-or-death situation, it can mess with your mind. Some people retreat to prudence, others achieve a certain clarity or feel invincible. Add to that her meltdown over Wozniak and the suspension, she’s bound to be on edge. She needs to be guided through this.
“You’re not thinking straight. I can fix all this. Let’s take a breath and figure it out.”
She shakes her head. “For the first time since I walked into Engine 6, I’m finally clear-headed, Roman. I’ve let my attraction to you override everything, and now I need to focus in a way I can’t when I’m near you. You’ve listened, been there for me when I needed a shoulder. We had a good time, but it muddled everything at work.”
My skin breaks out in a clammy sweat. A good time?
That’s all I was to her: a rash of bad decisions, a steamy roll in the sheets, and the guy to bounce her problems off of?
I already did this, tried to make it work with a woman who got bored less than an hour after the “I do’s.” Today, I told Abby I love her and this is what she comes back with?
Man, did I get that wrong.
When I speak, I barely recognize my own voice. “So the adrenaline junkie only gets her kicks when it’s dangerous, huh?”
Shock at being called out sparks in her eyes. “No, that’s not it.”
“Isn’t it? Maybe you liked it better when we were screwing under the radar. You liked the sneaking around, the thrill of it. But now everyone knows and you decide this is where you get off the ride.”
Her mouth wobbles. “You almost died and I can’t help thinking I contributed to that somehow. And if I were to lose you …”
“Sure, Abby, you keep thinking that. Whatever fits the story you want to tell yourself. You screwed up, you’re not good enough, we don’t work well together, lives are on the line. All that sounds great. But what it boils down to is that you have the heart of a lioness in a fire, but you’re a fucking coward in life.”
Her eyes go wide and hurt. Yeah, no one likes to hear the truth.
Delivering it doesn’t feel so good, either.
“I-I’m sorry. I’ll let you rest now.” She walks to the door. Once there, she turns. Those blue eyes blaze with emotion and something that reads as regret. Sorry she let this go as far as it did, I suppose.
“Thanks for saving me, Roman. Thanks for everything.”
I barely hear the door close over the waterfall of fire and blood in my ears.
Thirty-seven
Abby
It’s been two days since the fire—since I told Roman I couldn’t face another day like that—and I need to figure out my next steps. I’m still on suspension but I’m hopeful I’ll be back after the investigation, which is why I’m at the firehouse trying to future-proof my career. I really want to stay at 6, and if I can’t be on B shift, I have to shoot for A or C. If no one at the firehouse will have me, I’ll put in for a transfer. I pray it won’t come to that.
It’ll be tough seeing Roman when we’re both back at work. I let things get out of hand there, and while it’ll take a while for my heart to recover, at least now I know the danger of getting too close to a man who could destroy everything I’m trying to build.
If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.
Approaching Lt. Almeida’s office, I run into Danny.
“Hey, Abby, you okay? I heard about your suspension. That shouldn’t have happened at all.” He looks more upset than the situation warrants, and abruptly it hits me.
“Have you been talking to my father? All this time?”
He makes a face but thankfully doesn’t try to gaslight me. “He just wanted to know how you were doing. Make sure you were safe.”
The Engine 6 spy revealed at last. I get it now. Danny is one of those toxic nice guys, the kind of man who thinks if he’s sweet, he’ll eventually get what he feels is owed to him with little to no investment at all. “And what was in it for you?”