I blow out a breath. “Because we had Lena. Because I’m not a quitter. So I knew it was a mistake from day one, but I wanted to try for my little girl.”
“You’re stubborn and you hate being wrong.”
“Everyone hates being wrong.”
“True.” She grins. “But I think there’s another reason why you stayed. You’re not built for casual relationships. You can say you’re having a fling or you’re going to hook up with someone for a one-night stand, but that’s not you.”
So she knows me well. “Where is this going?”
“I think you knew that with Abby. I think you wouldn’t risk your job or what you’re building in Chicago if you didn’t think this thing with Abby had a future from the get-go. And I also don’t think you’d take a risk like that with someone who wouldn’t reciprocate. You have good instincts, Roman. You knew exactly what you were getting into with Tori, but you made that choice for Lena. You wouldn’t make that mistake again. Abby is not Tori, and you recognized that. She’s afraid of what she feels for you because of her parents. Her mom left her, her dad’s emotionally checked out and not supportive of her career choice. That’s abandonment 101 right there.”
I growl. “I’m not one of your teens.”
“I know.” She pats my arm condescendingly. “Abby’s nuts about you, but she needs to do some healing before she’s ready. Don’t give up on her just yet.”
Thirty-nine
Abby
I straighten the jacket of my uniform for what feels like the fiftieth time. My reflection in the mirror is a funhouse facsimile, like my Us doppelganger who’s been living in the bowels of the earth and now wants to usurp my life.
Same hair, eyes, nose, lips. But there’s something sunken and dark about what I see. Hollowed out. She feels like an impostor.
Outside the restroom, it’s quiet as everyone is in the bay for the memorial service. At the Wall of the Fallen, I pause, needing a moment with Joanne Sullivan.
“Hey, Mom,” I whisper, but I can’t get out anything more. My shoulders heave with the emotion jamming my chest. I have to get it together because everyone’s expecting the best speech ever in about five minutes.
“Hey,” I try again. “I wish I could talk to you properly about what’s going on. I feel like I’m screwing things up at every turn and I’m just one big fat disappointment.”
“You could never disappoint anyone, Abby.”
He’s here. I’d alternately hoped and dreaded. When I pivot, my heart turns over several times at the sight of him in his dress uniform. His wrist is in a cast, but not a sling.
“You’re going to make mistakes,” he continues. “But your mom’s proud that you’re still here, forging ahead. And so am I.”
He always knows the right thing to say. I’ll miss him as my mentor.
As so many things.
I swallow my pain. “How’s the wrist?”
“Achy. But that’s to be expected.”
“And how’s Lena doing? Wait, is this the weekend of the wedding?” I am full of questions!
“It is. She’s in New York with Chiara.”
I blink. “They’re both at the wedding of your ex?”
His smile is wry. “I wouldn’t let her go alone and I didn’t trust Tori or my former sisters-in-law to keep an eye on her. It’s a wedding, so they’re going to be a bit overboard, drunk off their asses. But Chiara can do what I can’t.”
“For Lena. And for you. She’s a good sister.”
“She is. I’m lucky to have her, which she reminds me of every day. And Lena’s lucky to have you. I heard you’ve been giving her advice.”
“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. She reached out.”
“Of course not. I’m thankful you’ve been there for her. For all of us.” He eyes me with a darker gaze. “I also heard you’re leaving my crew.”
“Yeah, I thought it was for the best. I hope you’re okay with signing off on that.” It’s only now occurring to me that he might not do that, that he might not like being told how to manage his crew.
He moves in, his solidity a force I’m no match for. “I think we were a good team, but this is probably the right call.”
A good team. We were.
“Looks like you’ll be losing Wozniak as well.” Apparently he’s been moved to the C-shift while the investigation into the incident is ongoing. There’s talk that he’ll be forced to go through academy training again.
“You should have told me about the blackmail.”
“So you could beat him to a pulp?”
He scoffs. “I wouldn’t—okay, I would have. But hell, Abby, you don’t have to protect me.”
“I know how hard you’ve worked to make a new life here. I didn’t want anything to get in the way of that—the captain, my father.” Me. It seems I’ve done nothing but threaten Roman’s self-control and career since I arrived.
“Well, I’ll get a reprimand in my record, unless your father decides to take it further.”
I don’t think he will. I’ll make sure of it.
“You’ll be okay, Roman.”
“In my job, yeah.” He grasps my hand and places it over his heart. “Not in here, though. Not for a long time, maybe never.”
His eyes bore into me, filled with all the pain I caused. I try to calm myself, only I can’t shake the force of my feelings. The proximity of him turns me into a gloopy mess and I’m left with trying to convince myself—inadequately—that this is why I can’t be with him.
I’m too emotional. Losing him like this hurts. To lose him on the job would kill me.
“Abby, about what I said at the hospital, about you being a coward. That was wrong, completely out of order. You’re not, you’re the bravest woman I know.”
“No, you don’t have to apologize.” He was right but if I admit it, we’ll end up in a place I don’t think I can go. “We both said things in the heat of the moment.” I don’t explain any further because if I do, I’m opening a door to a world I can’t have.
Understanding my reticence, he nods and takes my hand.
“Listen, I have something for you.” He presses a small metal object into my palm.
I look down and gasp.
“My mom’s pendant!” Only half of the chain remains, but the Claddagh symbol is there, its golden heart tarnished yet still intact. “Where did you find it?”
“In the ashes of the fire, Abby. The chain must have broken when we fell and this slipped through your turnout gear onto the ground.”
“And you went to look for it?” My eyes are wet with gratitude and love for this man.
“Brooks told me you lost it. I know it means a lot to you.”
You mean more. You mean everything.
“Abby, we’re about to start.” Maria Fernandez from Media Affairs is standing over at the corner leading to the bay corridor. She grimaces in apology at having walked into the middle of something intense.