What the fuck? I tell him everything and he’s keeping things from me like this?
“Calm down, I know how well you react to…new people.”
I roll my eyes. “No, I just don’t like the girls you bring around.”
“Yeah, because the dickhead you’ve been with for the last four years is a fucking winner.”
“We’re not talking about Keith. Besides, we both know how I really feel about him.”
Now it’s Derek’s turn to be irritated. “But you won’t dump him?”
Because then I wouldn’t have an excuse as to why I can’t be with you.
I don’t say it because I’m ridiculous. Derek and I are best friends. He’s the man I know one day I’ll be with, but right now, I can’t until I get my life straight. I’ll be ready to admit the truth, just…I need more time.
Keith is comfortable, and he doesn’t expect anything from me other than to be at his games, which I have to be anyway, thanks to my cheerleading scholarship. Then there’s the fact that Keith is safe. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just the guy. Derek goes to school two hours from here whereas Keith is at the same school as me. It’s nice having someone close. I don’t feel so lonely all the time.
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but it works for us. You’re not around, and he is.”
“You need to stop being so dependent on him. It’s okay to be alone.”
“Says the serial boyfriend?”
Dating someone new has never been a big deal before. He usually lasts about two months with a girl before he realizes she’s not for him, they break up, things go back to normal, and I rest easy again. He’s never dated anyone longer than four months. Until now.
Derek leans back, watching me with curious intent. “Why are you upset anyway?”
Because I don’t want you to be serious with anyone.
Because it’s you I see in my future.
Because you should love me.
“I’m not. I’m hurt. You should’ve told me. We talk all the time and have dinner once a month. You’ve forgotten to tell me about the new girl or you didn’t want to tell me?”
He crosses his arms and releases a heavy sigh. “I knew you’d act like this.”
“Like what?”
“This! Like I’ve done some horrible thing and betrayed you. I really like Meghan. I love her, Teagan. And as my best friend…” He may be saying it as though I’m important, but right now, I hear the words as much more. He’s reminding me of my place in his heart. I’m only the friend and I’d do well to remember it. “I would think you’d be happy for me.”
I close my eyes, shoving down my feelings for him and focus on how many times he’s been there for me. How many nights he held me when Keith said something mean or I’ve gone back and forth about leaving him.
Countless shirts I’ve soaked over stupid things with my family or friends and Derek has always been there. He has always been my rock, and I’m being selfish.
Slowly, I lift my gaze to his. “I am happy for you, if you’re happy. I was just taken by surprise, that’s all.”
“You’d really like her, Tea.”
I doubt that.
“If she likes you, she clearly has good taste,” I say with a smile.
Derek laughs. “Yeah, I’m such a catch. I don’t know how the hell I convinced her to date me. She’s beautiful, funny, smart…a lot like you.”
My chest constricts. “So, she’s amazing?” I try to joke it off.
“She could be the one.”
So could I, if I wasn’t so afraid to tell you and hope you felt the same.
Chapter Seven
Teagan
Present
“I’ll give you two a moment,” Mr. Beeson says as he walks out.
Derek turns his back, hiding the pain so clear in his eyes. “Derek.” I call his name, but he doesn’t move. “I’m so sorry.”
He shifts, his head shaking before lifting toward the ceiling. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean. We all know how you felt about Meghan.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No, none of it is fair,” he agrees, but not about the same thing.
I didn’t love Meghan or even like her, but I would never wish her dead.
I move closer to him, not sure what to do. If this was back in the day, I would wrap my arms around him, clutch him until he cried it out. I would know exactly what to say or do because he was the other half of my brain.
This man, I don’t know.
So, I go with the truth.
“I have a million things I want to say, but all of them sound stupid in my own head. It’s been so long and we’ve both changed. I am sorry, though.”
Derek turns to face me. “It’s been—hard. Everything is hard. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
“I understand anger.”
More than most people. That’s typically the emotion I feel most attached to. It’s easy to be angry. To look at the world around me, wishing I had a better job, money, a house, a man who didn’t fuck me over, so being angry just feels good. It’s better than self-pity or sadness. Anger is intense and so much easier to hang on to.
“Yeah, I would assume you do.”
I was angry for a long time after Keith threatened me and I felt it was the best choice to let him off the hook. I took it out on everyone, including Derek.
“I know you don’t believe this, but Chastity…she’s truly the kindest person. She’s nothing like me as a kid, and I don’t even understand what could’ve gotten into her to say something so cruel. But know that I will not accept that behavior from her.”
“I appreciate that, but it doesn’t surprise me that Everly said anything to provoke it, if I’m being honest.”
I didn’t expect that, and then I think about what she must be going through. Losing her mother, moving to this tiny-ass town where she knows no one. I would be pissed off at the world and everyone around me.
“Regardless…”
“Yeah, regardless…”
There is so much I want to say, ask, and hold on to. As much as I was upset, the truth is, I’ve missed him. He was more than just the man I loved, he was my everything. He knew all my truths and lies. Derek was a part of my soul and when I lost him, he took it with him.
My eyes study him. He’s so different and yet the same. His hair is a little longer and has a hint of gray, but his eyes are kind and make my heart stutter. There’s a warmth under all of that hurt. I wonder if he can still see through me? Can he see that I’ve missed him? Does he know how many times I’ve wanted to call? Does he know how many times I’ve wanted him to call me?
Does he see that I love him? Not only as someone I’ve always loved but also for who he is at his core or at least who he was.
I open my mouth to say something but Mr. Beeson enters. “Have you two talked?”
Derek nods. “I think we can handle this without the school intervening. Everly was wrong to say what she did, and I’d like to give the girls the opportunity to work it out. Especially since I’m staying here permanently.”