“Everly was in the car?”
He nods. “She was on her phone, apparently texting her friends about her mother being a bitch, and a car ran the red light. They hit the driver’s side, Everly was in the back passenger side.”
I gasp. “I can’t even…”
“It was horrific. I’ve never seen anything like it. I don’t know how Everly walked out of that wreck.”
“How long ago?”
His eyes are filled with unshed tears. “Six months.”
“I really didn’t know,” I say as I shift closer. “I would’ve called or gone to you. Your parents never said a word.”
He nods. “I asked them not to.”
My back straightens and I eye him curiously. “Why not?”
“Because I knew you’d come. I knew that if you thought I needed you, even with me being an ass the last time we talked, that you’d be there for me. Isn’t that ridiculous? That I would rather suffer than have had you comfort me?”
There’s nothing I can say. The tears that don’t fall from his eyes descend from mine. It hurts to know that he didn’t want me there. I loved him, sure, more than I should’ve, but I would never have hurt him. I kept my mouth shut, dealt with standing beside him during that fucking wedding, and never said a word.
I struggled so he wouldn’t.
And he’d kept his wife’s death a secret.
“What did I do to you that was so wrong?” I blurt out. “What did I ever do, Derek? Because I don’t understand how thirteen years ago you could walk out, and never tell me why.”
I didn’t plan to say anything, but small talk will only go for so long. There are big issues between us, and while I wish we could pretend things didn’t happen, wish we could sweep them under the rug and ignore what happened in the past…we can’t.
I can see that he’s either not ready or can’t say what he’s thinking, and I really don’t feel like playing this game.
I muster the courage to speak first. “We need to talk about this.”
“Yeah, it probably would make things a little less awkward.” His foot carves a line in the sand, the water rushing over and flooding it. “It’s funny how things happen. You dig the hole only to have the space you thought you made fill right back up.”
I stay quiet because I’m not sure if this is going to relate back to us or if he’s just talking.
Derek continues after a moment. “You can’t stop it or control any of it, it just…happens. Which is sort of how I feel about the way things went down with us.”
“You couldn’t stop it?” I ask.
“I couldn’t control it.”
I shake my head while releasing a heavy breath. “You’re talking in riddles.”
“Meghan.”
The single word hangs out there.
“Meghan?”
Derek takes a step back, allowing more space between us, and although he’s only moved a few inches it feels like miles to me. He takes a deep breath.
“Meghan found my journal.”
Chapter Eleven
Derek
Twenty-two years old
“We’ve only been married two months, Derek! How can you be so unhappy?” Meghan asks with tears streaming down her face.
I wish I could tell her the truth, but that would be intentionally cruel.
Meghan hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s been a great wife and she was a good girlfriend. We’ve had our spats and arguments—mostly over Teagan—but we’ve found a way through it.
But the last two months have been hard. I’m trying to be a good husband, give her the support she needs, especially since she’s four months pregnant, and yet…I’m failing.
I’m torn between driving up to see Teagan and being here for Meghan.
Because ever since I found out Teagan was pregnant, I realized: I’m madly in love with her.
Since the night it hit me, three days after my wedding when I was staring at my new wife, wishing she was Teagan, I can’t look at myself. I hate myself more than I can express. I married Meghan in spite of what I thought I felt for Teagan. I love Meghan, but there was this moment when I was looking at Teagan, wishing it was my child she was carrying.
How fucked-up am I?
Then again, I didn’t have a choice because she was with Keith, trying to figure out if they had a future, and by then, I was engaged to Meghan. What choice did I have?
“Talk to me!” Meghan pushes her hands to my chest. “Please.”
I can’t. I can’t tell her because she really doesn’t want to know. It’s my job as her husband to fix myself, and she doesn’t deserve this.
I grip her wrists, holding them, focusing on the fact that it’s Meghan here. She’s my wife. She’s having our baby. “I’m just…nervous, Meg. I’m worried that I’m not going to be a good dad and husband.” Which isn’t a lie. “I’m still in school and I don’t know how I’m going to take care of you guys and still finish vet school.”
Meghan’s eyes fill with empathy and a bit of relief. “You’re going to be a great dad and you’re already a good husband.”
No, I’m not.
I’m not a good man, let alone husband.
“I’m…in my head.”
Meghan sighs and then lifts her hands to my chest, softly. “You don’t have to do that. I’m here too and I’m just as nervous as you are. I’m having a baby in five months and it’s a lot of changes all at once. There’s so much uncertainty, but we can do this, babe. We’re Derek and Meghan.”
I feel sick to my stomach because this is the first time she’s said that where I don’t believe it.
Because I’m a fucking piece of shit.
She leans up, pressing her lips to mine, and I force any thoughts of Teagan out of my head. Meghan has given me everything.
Meghan has been the one who has loved me.
She chose me and continues to do so.
Whatever is going on in my head needs to stop. It’s not real. It’s fear because everything is changing. It has to be that because otherwise I’m not the person I thought I was, and I can’t accept that.
I cup her cheeks and kiss her back. After a few seconds, I rest my head against hers and feel calmer. Meghan is my wife, and I love her. “I’m sorry.”
She lifts her head. “Just talk to me. You don’t have to do this alone, you know?”
“I know.”
“I get being scared, believe me, but when I start to feel that way, I remember that I have you and as long as we’re together, we’ll be okay.”
“You’re so much smarter than me,” I say with a smirk.
“I’m glad you learned this early.”
I pull her tighter to me, and she wraps her arms around my middle. This is what I need to focus on. Her. Us. Our family. Not a delusion I’ve conjured up with someone who doesn’t feel the same about me.
* * *
It’s been a long week. I’ve had a bunch of tests, one I know I bombed, but I couldn’t focus. Meghan and I are having dinner tonight, though. I promised her that once I got through my exams, we’d have more time together because I’m determined to make this work.