He loved me?
He loved me the way I loved him and his way of dealing with it was to completely cut me out.
I romanticized for years over hearing those words from his lips. I dreamed of how he would take me in his arms, kiss me, tell me he was a fool and loved me. It was supposed to be this magical declaration.
Not out of anger. Not telling me that he hated me for making him love me.
I’m tired of being the bad guy.
I loved him too. I loved him so much that I was willing to suffer through his fucking wedding, stand by his side, and give him the little bit of peace I could. I didn’t use my love to hurt him. It stayed bottled up where I allowed it to eat me alive, and protect the relationship we were allowed to have.
I look up in his blue eyes, and a tear falls. “That’s the cruelest thing you could’ve ever said to me.”
And then, I walk away, leaving him like he left me.
Chapter Thirteen
Teagan
Twenty-one years old
“What are you saying?” I ask as tears start to stream down my face.
“I’m saying I don’t think we should talk anymore.”
My heart hurts. I’m confused and I don’t understand why Derek is saying these things. I haven’t done anything. We talked yesterday and everything was perfectly fine. What the hell changed?
“Why?”
“Because, Teagan, I don’t want to.”
This is crazy.
“I don’t believe you.”
He lets out a sigh and I imagine him pacing, like he does when he’s dealing with things that stress him out. “You don’t have to. It’s the way it is, you’ll understand someday.”
“I don’t understand any of this!” I yell and sink onto the couch. My stomach clenches and I rest my hand there. Why is he doing this? Why is he pushing me away?
“It’s just time. I’m married now and having my own family. I need to focus on Meghan and the baby.”
My mouth opens and then closes because it still isn’t computing. “What does that have to do with me? I’m your friend, Derek. You promised.” I choke on the word as a tear falls. “You promised you’d be here for me. You said you wouldn’t let me be alone after everything with Keith!”
He’s silent. If it weren’t for the sound of his breathing, I would think he’d hung up.
“You have nothing to say?” I ask.
“No.”
“No? After all these years? After everything we’ve been through, you offer me no fucking explanations?”
His voice is angry when he responds. “What do you want? I’m doing what’s best for my marriage!”
My heart aches because I did what was best for his marriage too. I stood there a few weeks ago, watching him marry her, and didn’t say a word. I hugged her, told her I was so happy for her when I wanted to tear my own heart out because it was dead anyway.
For him, I did that.
Now, he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore?
“What happened?” I ask.
“Nothing happened, Teagan.”
“You have never lied to me.” My voice is filled with hurt. “We’ve always told each other the truth, tell me so I can fix it. We can find a way but I can’t lose you. Please…”
“We can’t,” he says and the crack in his voice tells me he’s crying.
“So this is it? No real explanation? Just, we can’t be friends…it’s not me, it’s you?”
I feel like I’m going to throw up. My stomach turns again, pain radiating from the front to my back as I wait for his answers.
“This is the way it has to be. If you were married to Keith and he told—you realized what it was doing to him, you can’t say—”
“I would tell him to fuck off!” I yell. Now I’m pissed. If Meghan has an issue with me, then she could’ve talked to me. Instead, she makes him cut me off? Fuck them both.
“You wouldn’t.” He sighs and then sniffs.
He doesn’t get to cry. I’m the one breaking. “Well, I guess there’s nothing more to say,” I say and then wince. “You clearly have made your decision, screw me and the baby you promised to be there for.”
“I’m sorry, Teagan. I hope you and the baby will be happy. I want nothing more than for you to find everything you want. I wish there was another way.”
The tears won’t stop and I wipe them away. “There’s always another way. That’s what’s real, but apparently our friendship wasn’t. You want me to stop calling and talking to you, fine. Just do me one favor, don’t ever contact me again because I can’t…I can’t even breathe right now. I thought…well, I thought wrong and I’m done. I’ll be happy because what choice do I have? You’re a fucking coward and I don’t ever want to hear from you again! Goodbye, Derek.”
I hang up the call, throwing the phone against the wall, shattering onto the floor.
Another stabbing pain hits my stomach and I stand up, only to have a gush of water fall to the floor.
My water broke, just like my heart.
Chapter Fourteen
Teagan
Present
“I don’t want to go to school,” Chastity complains as I try to get her ass out of bed.
“Well, you have to.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you suck?”
I laugh. “Daily. You’ve met my mother, remember? Now, get your butt up and get ready.”
She sits up, groans, and then flops back down on her pillow. “Where were you last night?”
“In my bed.”
“No, I looked for you before I went to sleep and you weren’t there.”
My mind immediately goes back to the beach. The words Derek said and the way he said them. How much disappointment filled me and is still there. I’m…unlovable. That’s all I can come up with.
Two men, one who I loved with my whole being and the other who I should’ve never given a chance, both found the idea of loving me so disgusting they cut me out. I’m winning at life for sure.
“I was at the beach.”
Chastity nods. “I should’ve figured.”
“I needed perspective.”
“Did you find any?”
“Nope,” I tell her as I get to my feet.
“Maybe you should try a park next time.”
I really would like to throttle her some days. “Maybe you should get to school before I call the cops for truancy.”
Chastity gasps. “You wouldn’t.”
“You’re right.” I sigh. “I’ll just call Grandma.”
She throws the covers off, mumbling about mutiny and treason, but I grin. When Chastity is like this, I can’t help it. I love that we can verbally spar in a way I never could with my mother.
I head into the kitchen of my tiny apartment and once again, hate my life. There is only one bedroom, which is Chastity’s, and then I took the dining room and made it into a bedroom.
She emerges from her room wearing a T-shirt that says: DAMN THE MAN.