“Yes! Yes, I guess. I’m sorry, I wasn’t really thinking.” But hadn’t I thought of this beforehand? Hadn’t I fantasized about being married and working together? When had the image changed? I only knew one thing for a fact, so I said it. “I love you too.”
He relaxed. “I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and it’s finally here. With your mom moving to Boston, and your graduation, everything is coming together.”
“Rafe, what if I can’t find a job close by? What if it’s in Rome or Florence or Milan? What would we do?”
“I don’t know,” he said slowly. “I’m hoping that doesn’t happen, because then we’d never see each other and we’d be back where we started. I’m sure you can find a job here—there are a few art places you’d love. If you work in the bigger cities, we’d have to rent a second place there, which would be expensive. But maybe part-time? And the other days you can help me with the business? Maybe take over the administrative stuff from Dad?”
My heart thudded madly in my chest. I sat up, my palms suddenly sweaty. Why did it feel like I was about to have an anxiety attack? All these things I wanted suddenly seemed to sweep up and choke me. The big, free, romantic life I imagined wasn’t reality.
“Livia? Tell me what’s wrong? You don’t look happy.”
I bit my lip. “I’m just confused. Maybe because we’ve been planning this for so long I didn’t think of all the specifics involved. It’s just that I respect your business, but I want my own career. And in my head, I was thinking maybe you’d want to move to the city and start a new life there? Maybe hire out to keep the business and do half and half? We have options, don’t we?”
Had I always known the answer, or did I really think I could change his mind? His face closed up, and those dark eyes filled with pain. I remembered what he’d been through with his previous relationship, and guilt flooded me. She’d left him for bigger things because she was selfish. Was I just as bad as her? Thinking of myself instead of the bigger picture? I’d once sworn I’d never hurt Rafe like she had, yet I was telling him I wanted more than he could give. The thought sickened me.
“Livia, I thought you knew. I can never leave my father’s business. We’ve had it in the family since my great-great-grandparents. It’s a part of who I am—my identity. I—I thought you said you’d be happy here in Positano.”
Suddenly terrified, I reached out to touch him. His muscles stiffened under my touch. “I did! But I also thought you could maybe move the business somewhere else. A place where I can work too, and we can build a new life together. That’s a possibility, right?”
“I could move, yes, but I’ve built a reputation here. I’d need to find another high tourist spot, a place for my boat, and a new home. I have to think of my father and how he’d react to leave everything behind. Do you understand?”
I did. That was the worst part. I’d lived in a fantasy world, caught up in an image I’d spun since that first summer where young love trumped all. And I did love him, with my entire soul. But the idea of giving up my own dreams to settle here for the rest of my life? If I was brutally honest, I knew I wasn’t ready.
College had changed me. I wanted different things than I had before, or at least the opportunity to see what else was out there before I fully committed.
My helpless silence spoke for itself.
Rafe pulled away and stood, as if needing the distance. Already, I ached at the space between us, the fissures from the past summer cracking and expanding until we were two different people staring back at each other, wondering how we’d gotten here.
Finally, he spoke. His voice came out flat. “I was afraid this would happen. I was stupid to think you’d want this once you began to open up to the world. What was once exciting to you—this place and me—has become a trap. And you are right. You are right to think this way, yet I kept lying to myself it would be okay because I was selfish.”
“No.” I jumped to my feet, desperate to touch him, to explain, but the space between us had become a big, cold void I was unable to cross.
“Yes, Livia! Look at me. I have none of your ambitions. I am happy here, in this place, working a simple job. But you are so different—with your education and need to see and explore the world. This is what you should be doing. I’ve kept you tied to me with my own silly dreams because I love you, but love isn’t supposed to be a cage. You need time for yourself. Time to see what you really want.”
“I want you,” I said brokenly, stumbling forward, reaching out to him. Suddenly, my fears about our future didn’t seem as important as losing him. I’d sacrifice all of it as long as we could stay together. I couldn’t be the one to cause him such pain, or bear it myself. “I changed my mind, Rafe. We’ll work it out. I’ll find a job here in Positano, or close by, and we’ll have Aunt Silvia’s house and yours. We can do this, just like we planned.”
He shook his head. Pure resolution shimmered in his gaze. “No, dolcezza. I’ve done this before and the fallout was terrible. I can’t do it again.”
“Please, Rafe, I can make this work.”
Oh, the bittersweet regret in his eyes made my knees buckle. “This hasn’t been fair to either of us, and it’s my fault. We have the next two weeks together, and then you go back to school. I think we need to take a break from each other in your senior year. You need to stop pausing your life until summer and really figure out what will make you happy.”
“You make me happy,” I whispered.
“You make me happy too,” he said roughly. “But maybe something can make you happier and you never gave it a chance. It’s not fair to me either. If I know you never had a chance to choose, I will always have regrets. I will always wonder if I took advantage or you stayed because of guilt, or fear. Do you understand?”
I did, but at the moment, all I knew was Rafe was breaking up with me. The pain of knowing he wasn’t mine splintered my body apart. Yet, my mind grabbed onto the opportunity, sensing it was the only way to finally lay my doubts to rest.
“Yes, but there’s no one else, Rafe. Do I need to prove that to you? Should we be punished for questioning how we’ll live our future? That I want bigger things?”
He launched into a litany of Italian, so fast I couldn’t understand. “This isn’t a punishment, Livia. And it’s not your fault for wanting a career for yourself. We should have given ourselves more space last year, when I realized things were beginning to change. For real love to work, it needs honesty, and space. We’ve given neither because we’re afraid to lose each other. If we continue, we’ll blow this up all on our own, and I’m not willing to do it. Are you?”