Sadness leaked into her voice. “The best things in life rarely are.”
A pause hummed over the line. “Are you okay, Pris? Are you at least having a good time?”
She opened her mouth to utter her usual. Yes, of course. Italy was beautiful. She was good. She was fine. She was both.
Instead, she told the truth. “I don’t think I’ve been okay for a long time, Garrett. But you know that.”
His sigh spilled into her ear. “Yes, we both said as much at dinner that night. I thought you were going to Italy to figure things out.”
The words escaped her mouth without thought, the safety of the dark and the distance allowing her to be raw. “That’s the plan, but I don’t know how it’s going to work out. I have to tell you something.”
“You can tell me anything.”
Silly tears stung her eyes. “There’s something inside me that’s not right. Like a missing piece in a puzzle that I can’t seem to find.”
“Do you know what that piece could be?” he asked slowly.
“No. It used to be you. The way I used to love you filled up all the spaces until there was no room for anything else, not even ballet. And when Thomas was born, the same thing happened. It was like this powerful burst of love and need so strong it almost crippled me. There was nothing I wanted more than to love you both. Does that sound pathetic? That I could be so needy?”
She heard the harshness of a gasp. “God no! Not needy, just the opposite. Generous. Giving. You gave so damn much there was nothing left. Is that how you feel?”
She closed her eyes, and for the first time, the heaviness in her chest lightened. Just a touch. “Yes, yes, I think so.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me this before?”
“Because I didn’t want to know. I did what all the magazines and TV and female leaders warn against. I gave up all I had for love and didn’t leave myself enough. Thomas doesn’t need me like he used to. Neither do you. So I filled my days with busywork and became a ghost.”
It was horrible, the things coming out of her mouth—the burst of writhing snakes at the pit of her core she was finally spilling to this man she still loved. But she also felt free, and powerful, saying her truth, and she didn’t want to stop. “I became a ghost because it was easier not to fight for anything else. I gave up, but now, I don’t like myself very much. And I don’t know if you can help me anymore. I don’t know how you can love a woman who’s not really here.”
She rested in the silence, waiting for his answer. “Do you blame me?” he finally asked. “I pushed you to give up ballet. I’m the one who never looked up from my own goals to even ask how you were doing, assuming we’d be enough despite your sacrifices.”
“You were. For a while.”
“Yeah, for a while.”
“See, when I chose you, I think I expected the same in return. And I think watching you grow and succeed and be fulfilled by your career—as much as I was happy for you—I became jealous. Resentful. Because I wanted that for myself, but I’d given it up.”
“Makes sense. But that leaves me pretty helpless. How can I turn that resentment you have for me back to love?”
Her heart shattered at the broken notes in his voice. Yes, he still loved her. On some level, they both wanted to find their way back to each other, which gave her hope. “I love you, Garrett. The resentment is really toward myself—I just didn’t understand that before. But having this time in Italy, being able to slow down and be honest with myself, things are beginning to change.”
His voice was grit and gravel and full of emotion. “Pris, I still love you. I know you suspect there’s someone else, and I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t tempted. Because I’ve been so damn lonely.”
She held her breath, knowing it was time they both leveled with each other. “Did you? I need to know.”
“I’ve never slept with another woman. There’s never been anyone else I loved other than you. I don’t want to lose you, but we’ve drifted so far apart. I’m also afraid if I try to tell you how to make yourself happy, I’ll fail again. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She did. For the first time, Garrett wasn’t trying to fix the problem with answers or advice or concrete analysis. He wasn’t trying to win an argument or win her back. A sense of peace washed over her, the knowledge that she was responsible for herself first, then her relationship.
She imagined him rubbing his head, thick hair mussed over his brow. Imagined his blue eyes that rivaled the stunning sea, and that feeling of home she used to get when their gazes locked and he claimed her. “Yeah, I understand.”
“Good. There’s something else, Pris. Something I want you to remember. I don’t think it’s about fixing anything. I think it’s about finding your own happiness. I’m hoping that leads back to me, but that’s a decision you have to make. Because we can’t do this to each other anymore.”
“I know.”
They sat on the phone together in silence. The sounds of their breathing mingled and fell into a steady rhythm. There was no pressure to say anything, and a closeness vibrated between them that had been missing for a long time.
“I think I want to stay here longer.”
“Okay. Do you think you’ll find your answers there?”
A whisper of a smile touched her lips. “I don’t know. But I feel Mom’s presence, and my sisters and I are really talking for the first time. I did the most amazing climb, and at the top, I felt like I’d accomplished something.”
“Tell me about it. About the climb.”
She did. She told him about her dialogue with her sisters, and the time with Hawke, and how they were still trying to track down R. Garrett listened, and his presence filled her with a contentment that soothed her soul.
“I can’t promise anything, though,” she finally said. “I don’t want to pretend I can fix myself in a week or two.”
“Neither of us expect it. But we need to build a new foundation here if this is going to work, and it starts with you, Pris.”
She said her goodbye and he whispered her name again. “What?”
“Will you call me tomorrow?”
Pris smiled. “Yes.”
She hung up, her mind whirling with a cyclone of thoughts that kept her up for a long, long time. But inside, there was a beginning of calm seeping through her veins, reminding her that she might not be at the end of a journey, but just starting a brand-new one.
Finally, she slept.