And maybe it was time right now.
Her heart pounded, but she set her shoulders back, flung the door open, and threw the next words out like a general calling for battle. “Bailey!”
Her sister jumped and whirled around. The dish towel dropped from her fingers. “You scared me! What?”
“Why’d you sleep with the guy I loved?”
She analyzed the sheer shock in her sister’s wide eyes. The way her mouth fell open like a guppy and she stared back, unable to talk—a pretty rare feat. Pris had a similar expression, her hands clenched together as if she was about to prep for war.
“Wh-what are you doing, Dev? You want to talk about this now?”
Dev nodded. “Yeah, I do. Right now.”
Bailey pulled out a chair. The sound of wood dragging against tile was a loud squeak. She dropped into it, a bit unsteady, and finally met her gaze. Then nodded. “Okay, let’s do this. I’ve said this a million times before, but it never seemed to make a difference. I didn’t know you loved him. I didn’t know he mattered so much to you or I never would’ve done it. I never meant to hurt you.”
Dev had heard the words a million times before, but this time she was able to spot a bigger picture. “When did you ever hear me say I didn’t love him?”
“After you broke up! We were in our room and you confessed you’d both decided to go your separate ways, and I asked if you were okay and you said you were fine because you had never loved him anyway! You said you were grateful it happened sooner rather than later. I can’t believe you don’t remember this!”
The images dragged her back, through the mud and slog of time, without the blurred edges of selective memory to cushion her fall. The lacy quilt. The purple pillows. The posters and candles and assorted trinkets crowding every white surface of her furniture. Sitting on the bed and telling Bailey about what happened. Acting brave and disdainful of her feelings while her insides shriveled in pain and the fear that she was unlovable—would always be less than her sisters. Her sister’s passionate anger toward Liam, which Dev bravely waved off as if he was beneath her and meant nothing.
Lies. All lies to hide her true heart from her sister. Had she really not seen the truth?
“I did, but I didn’t mean any of it. I was hurting, Bae. Dying inside of humiliation because he was the first guy I truly loved. Was I supposed to sob on your shoulder and rage against the unfairness? Was I supposed to fall apart and be weak, showing how he’d hurt me?”
Bailey gasped, a combination of incredulous confusion and fury. “Yes! Damn you, yes, I’m your sister and you were supposed to tell me the truth so I could comfort you!”
Pris stepped forward. “Guys, why don’t we take a break for a bit and—”
“No, Pris.” Dev’s voice was completely calm as she faced her oldest sister. “This is between Bailey and me and long overdue. You can listen, but you can’t play mediator.”
She waited to see if Pris would argue, but her sister nodded and retreated, her back touching the wall.
“That’s not me. It never was me. And I figured you knew I was putting on a brave face because I hated to cry and fall apart. That was your role, Bae.”
The realization hit slowly. Bailey pressed her palm to her mouth, stifling a tiny cry. Her blue eyes filled with anguish. “Oh my God. I didn’t think about it like that. I assumed you’d come to one of your rational conclusions that he was nothing special and moved on.”
Yes, it made sense now. The fogginess cleared and what was left was not the absolute truth like she’d always believed. It was more neutral—a truth seen by both Bailey and herself from two different worlds. “Can you tell me again how it happened?”
Her sister’s shoulders slumped. “I ran into him after a party. I ribbed him about you a bit, and he laughed it off, which, to me, only confirmed your story—that it wasn’t a big deal. I’d been drinking, and he came on to me, and before I knew it, we were having sex.” Misery etched her delicate features. “That’s all it was—a one-night stand. I left and figured we’d never see each other again. I knew it was stupid and I was never going to tell you. But then he showed up at our house, and you walked in and everything blew up.”
Her words died out into a pulsing silence. They’d never gotten this far before. Each time Bailey began to tell the story, the rage and pain twisted inside Dev so brutally, she lashed out, unable to hear once again how she was unworthy. So ridiculous how a man could hold such power over her thoughts, or seep into her most intimate relationships and change them.
“Did you want to sleep with him?”
Bailey jerked her head up and stared at her in confusion. “I guess so. I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t wanted to—it’s not like he forced me, Dev. I won’t lie to you.”
“No, I know, I just wondered if it didn’t mean anything, why do it in the first place? Because on some level, if you didn’t tell me, you felt guilty about it.”
She watched her sister’s face with curiosity rather than the normal vicious blame. It was so much clearer to her now. How funny she could have such a revelation about her own way of looking at things along with her sister. Dev knew they’d always been different. What if they’d been able to truly talk about it? If Dev had been able to be honest about her emotions and take that risk to let her sister in? If Bailey had just stopped to really think about why she was doing it?
Different. Things would have been so different, but as with anything in life, could they have ever truly avoided the trajectory they were on? Would something else have thrown them a curveball, forcing them on a different path, leading to this exact moment when they might be finally able to forgive each other?
“I don’t know,” Bailey whispered.
“I didn’t think so.” She said the words gently, without any sting. “I should have told you how I loved him. How he made me feel worthless when we broke up. How I was always comparing myself to you and Pris and found myself lacking.” She dragged in a breath. “Finding out you slept with Liam was the final straw. It was proof I was nothing next to you. Even worse, I believed you didn’t care about me at all. You acted like I was overreacting.”
Oh, it shamed her to admit that pain, but like a wound cleaned with alcohol, it burned fast, then bled clean.
“You can’t be serious,” Bailey said. “I was a mess. You were the one who had everything together. Mom was always telling me to be more like you or Pris. And the reason I became so bitchy toward you even though I should’ve begged for your forgiveness? It’s what you said.”
“What’d I say?”
“That I wasn’t your sister anymore.”