So instead of falling back into old habits, instead of running away from tough conversations like I did time after time with Dealia, I don’t get up. Instead, I look Nora in the eyes and take a deep breath. “I’m worried if I address the elephant in the room, you might not like what unravels, and I don’t want to lose out on a second shot with you.”
“Instead of assuming the kind of reaction I might have, why don’t you give me the opportunity to react in my own way?”
I nod. She’s right. I’m not allowing her to react, and that’s not fair. “Okay.” On a deep breath, I continue: “Dealia didn’t understand me. And I know I did my fair share to ruin our marriage, and even though we’ve been divorced for a while now, I still feel like I can’t navigate through a healthy relationship properly . . . with anyone.”
“What do you mean she didn’t understand you?” Nora asks, the anger in her eyes turning to concern.
“Listen, she’s your best friend, and I don’t want anything to change that, but our relationship was never on the right wavelength, and we ignored it until we couldn’t anymore. We had plans. We had these dreams of moving around every six months, exploring the world. But then my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, and that felt . . . life changing to me. It put my entire thought process into perspective, and I started canceling on all the trips she wanted to take. I stopped dreaming with her.”
“But she knew about your dad’s Parkinson’s.”
“She did, but she didn’t understand when I told her I had to stay close. I hurt her by giving up on her dreams, on her ambitions—”
“You didn’t give up.”
I shake my head. “I did. At that moment, my wife took a back seat to my family. Then from there, it went downhill. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was offensive. I couldn’t do right by her, no matter how hard I tried, but I knew the one thing she wanted, the one thing she asked me to do, I couldn’t give her.”
“What did she want?”
“For me to put her first.” I pull on the back of my neck. “It shouldn’t have been a choice. I realize now I should have been able to have both, but she wasn’t happy with that idea. I said instead of moving, maybe we just visit these places she wanted to go to, but that wasn’t good enough. That’s all I could give her, though. And I even told her I didn’t want to give up on our dream, but I couldn’t give up on my dad either.”
“I don’t understand. If your dad was sick, then why couldn’t she find it within her to help you?” Nora presses her hand to mine. “She never spoke about this, so I’m sorry if I’m prying.”
“You’re not.” I look away. “I just don’t want this to hurt your relationship with her.”
“Why don’t you let me decide how I handle my friendship.”
I nod. “Fair.” I let out a deep sigh. “The problem was, my dad didn’t look any different. He was diagnosed, yes, but he wasn’t showing any outward signs. My mom and I noticed changes, and so did my dad, in their everyday routine, but to anyone on the outside, he was the jolly man he’s always been. So, Dealia didn’t fully understand why I wanted to stay close, why I had to stay close.”
“Because you wanted to take care of him,” Nora says as more of a statement than a question.
I nod slowly and stare down at where her hand is entwined with mine. “Because Ford was in Denver and Palmer was living the life we thought we wanted, it fell to me to take care of our parents. And yes, am I bitter about it at times? Of course I am. I see my brother and sister dreaming big, taking charge, while I’m stuck here, taking the ferry back and forth to Marina Island to check on our parents.”
“But you feel obligated,” Nora says.
I shake my head. “I don’t feel obligated—it’s more than that. I feel as though it’s my duty.”
“You say that with such conviction. Is there a story behind that proclamation?”
I roll my teeth over my bottom lip as I squeeze my eyes shut for a breath. “It was right after we were adopted. I was still terrified that maybe we weren’t going to stay with Mom and Dad forever. I know Ford had the same fear. It happens when so many people you’ve loved are taken away from you, one right after the other, and, of course, the foster care system is flawed in many ways. But there was a night when I woke up from a night terror. I screamed so loudly that I woke up my dad. He came barreling into my room and asked me what was going on. I told him I had a dream I was taken away.” My lip quivers as I remember that moment in the dark. “He gripped my face with one hand and looked me dead in the eyes. He pressed his forehead against mine and said that, for as long as he breathes, he would never leave me. He told me I was his and he was mine, our souls were connected, and for as long as he was allowed, he would always take care of me.”
I glance at Nora as tears well up in her eyes.
“Hey,” I say, tugging on her hand.
She drops the pillow and straddles my lap again, but it doesn’t have the same sexual connotation that it did last time. Instead, it feels like she just needs to be closer to me.
“You’re a good man, Cooper Chance.”
“I’m a confused man.” I place my hands on her hips. “And then I freaked out about Dealia finding out because when it comes to her, I think I’m still stuck in the past.” I suppress a shiver as the truth of this statement hits me. “I think I’m projecting all the angst of our failed relationship and assuming that you’ll handle conversations the same way she might—since you’re friends. Fuck, that sounds bad.”
“I can understand that.” Nora lifts my chin and forces me to look her in the eyes. “But you realize I’m not going to do that to you, right? You don’t need to expect the same kind of behavior from me, and I hope you know I can also stand up for you when you need it.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
She presses her hands against my chest and slowly brings them up to my collarbone. “When I told Dealia about what happened between us, I told her I was sorry if I hurt her, but I wasn’t sorry about what happened, because things had been over between you two for so long, way before they were actually over. She didn’t talk to me for months, but she came around, and do you know what she said?”
I shake my head.
“That you and I were far more suited for each other than you two ever were.”
“She . . . she said that?”
Nora nods. “And when she came to see me the other day at the bakery, she was stopping in from a long trip to Alaska, and after you left, she asked if you were there because we were seeing each other. I told her no, that we’re just friends, and she actually encouraged me to take that next step, to make it more than just friends. Well, maybe not at that exact moment, because she was a little shocked, but she said that soon after.”
“Seriously?” I ask, an odd mixture of disbelief and relief flooding through me.
“Yes. Seriously.”
“And what, uh . . . what did you say to her?” I ask.
“I don’t know: you’re sitting here in my apartment, wearing just a towel while I straddle your lap. What do you think I said to her?”