“I trusted that. I had faith in those words. I’m fine. It so very quickly escalated from I’m fine to there’s nothing left we can do. I refused to believe there was nothing. There’s always a solution. There’s always something that can be done. Don’t fucking tell me anything but that.”
Nora’s body is so very still. Her breathing is slow and even. This is the only way I will be able to get this out. “When I reached home, I went straight from the airport to her side. She was in hospital. Petal, when I say what you saw last night was nothing compared to the utter meltdown I had upon seeing her that first time, I need you to believe me.
“I put a fist through a wall. I left a trail of shattered glass in my wake. Every book I’d ever read, every lyric I’d ever taken in, every bit of knowledge within my grasp left me completely unprepared for what I saw, heard, would see and hear. Father kept staring silently out the window like he was praying for a peace that was just out of reach.
“Mother just kept sobbing over and over about how she failed and begging to trade places. I was this intense vortex of needing to be by Raissa’s side every minute to heaving in the grass outside our home because the immense pain she was in radiated through me. If she was going to be taken from us, I needed for it to be soon.
“I wandered in her room as her nurse was giving her pain medication in the middle of the night. The nurse wanted me to try and rest after being awake for seventy-two hours. I basically told her fuck off I was staying, so she left me to a dimly lit chair beside the bed. I had a few things I needed to say.”
I remember those words in their exact order like I said them minutes ago. “Issa, you’ve fought so bravely. Even lionesses get tired. You’re my hero, sweet girl. I want you to know I have Mum and Dad. I’ll do my best not to crash and burn. If you need to sleep now, you can go. I will love you with my whole heart forever.
“I dozed off with her hand in mine for like twenty minutes. When I woke, she was gone. The world stopped turning that day. I’ve been on autopilot ever since.” As I finish talking, I realize my hand has slid into Nora’s. Her pink fingernails lay gently over my skin. I fixate on the sensation, the warmth they’re giving me. I lose myself in trying to focus only on that connection as those same fingers wrap tighter.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“How much did you hear? I ask.
“Everything.”
It’s interesting, the feeling you get when you know that your innermost thoughts are discovered. On one hand, it’s a terrifying proposition that you desperately wish you could take back. On the other hand, it’s one of the most freeing things a person could ever experience.
“How do you feel?”
This was the question I’d hoped she wouldn’t ask. My thoughts never seem to find words. They are defined with actions. The words are clearly for when I think no one is listening. Now that they’re out there, it brings out a layer of insecurity that creates a bubble of anxiety I need to pop.
“Feel? I don’t know. I either do too much of it or not enough. Either way it’s never good. Petal, remember what you said to me in the shower?”
“Which part?” she asks.
“What if you want to kiss me?”
“May I ask you something instead?”
“Of course.”
“Why did you take all those pictures of me with your cell phone?”
I reach forward and gently cup her face. “Because you’re beautiful. You’re the reason cavemen chiseled on walls. Faces like yours are the reason wars were started. You’re perfect.”
“I’m not perfect. Trust me.”
“Do you think I’m simply looking at your external beauty, love? You’re more than a face, as you said. I adore your face. I desire what’s on the inside more.”
She pulls our hands in between our bodies and lets them rest against the peek of skin between the lapels of the robe. Her chest is warm and inviting. Is this her way of granting me permission? I want this. I need this. I’ve wanted her since my first view through the lens. The color of want has melted into the hues of need.
My palm settles between her breasts as I test my fingers across the swell. Just as I’d always suspected, she fits perfectly in my hand. She was made to be touched by me and only me. This is my trigger. My switch flips. My mind was begging to feel something, anything other than the brand of darkness it was filled with. The lights are turning on. The fire is beginning to burn, ignited by her skin, her scent. Simply her.
The pale pink lace is no longer damp from the shower. It is however very much in my way. I don’t want anything between us. In that moment of contemplation, she takes hold of my wrist and anchors my hand in place on her body as she moves us to sit up face-to-face.
The afternoon sun’s reflection casts a glow across her eyes. Her long hair lies in waves over her shoulders and cheeks. There is a flush to her skin I want my lips to try and taste. I lean in and kiss her collarbone. She sighs so quietly that one would think you’d strain to listen. That sound, for me, was as loud as if it vibrated from within.
My fingers lightly dance across her petal-soft skin. It’s as fine as silk. She leans in slowly with each passing moment. Her breathing that was once slow and even, has now become deeper and more erratic. She watches my fingers move for a moment then allows me the privilege of those eyes.
Her eyes that have been filled with what I can only count as sadness, empathy, and possibly a hint of pity, are now ablaze with hints of wanton desire. The same fingers that tried to wash away my sorrow with tenderness and vanilla, wrap themselves over the muscles on my chest.
Her touch is like a shift in the universe. It was one I could see coming but could never have prepared for. Her hands flat around my heart proved to me I let her take up residence, she owns my soul. Her hands rest in a place many others have. She is the first to completely possess me and gain a spot no other will hold. I decide at that moment she will be the one, the only one I can and will love.
Nora
He said things last night like, “The first time I’m naked before you, I want a clear head.” Does he have that now? What am I getting myself into? I’m not going to lie to myself and say I haven’t had this fantasy in some form since the day we met. The sexy way he carries himself, the accent to his voice, his obvious artistic gifts. Now that I’ve seen his nearly naked body, I’m locked.
He thinks I’ve stayed away because of the taboos about dating a student. While that could be trouble, that’s not it. He doesn’t really know me. He doesn’t know why I moved here. If I need to tell him one day, I will. That day will certainly not be today.
His reputation has preceded him. People on campus talk. I’ve heard them. I know what I’m dealing with. I know at this moment, I don’t care. If what I hear is true, I want to be worshiped by him, even if it’s just once, like he shows in his art. One time. If that’s all it is and that’s what I’m given, it will be worth it.
I pull his hand between us and rest it on my body. I purposefully place it over my heart. I want him to feel what he does to me. I know he knew before now, but this way he can touch it. I want to see where he’ll go next. Where I hope he will go next.