She opens her eyes and blinks for a moment before her entire face falls. “You aren’t joining me?”
“I would very much like to join you, Petal. Are you sure that’s what you want?”
A pensive look flashes across her face before her answer follows. “Yes.”
I remove my clothes with calculated movements. I’m never out of her line of sight. “You can say no, or ask me to leave at any time and I will do so. Understand?”
She nods quickly then focuses on the bubbles in front of her as I slide in slowly behind her. At first her whole body tenses as if the touch is too much. Then nearly as quickly, she relaxes a bit against me. I discard the loofa for my hands. I feel she’s had enough rough. I’d like everything from here to feel like a soft place for her to land. I don’t know exactly what has happened to her, but there are a few things I want to make sure she understands.
“I have a story I think you may relate to. The doctor who treated my sister was a pompous piece of shit. He cared more about his reputation than the patients he was charged to care for. In the midst of my sister’s treatment and passing, he didn’t show one ounce of compassion, care, or concern for her or the family she left behind. In his mind, he did everything right and had zero regret. She was a number on a chart and when she died, fuck even before, it was another patient off his roster to make room for the next one he could claim as a success. I felt, and still feel, this pulsating, living, breathing desire to harm him. I consider him solely responsible for Raissa’s death. Then I remember a question Adrianna asked me. She asked if it would bring her back.
“I loathed her in the moment for uttering those words. I would have given and would still give my life to have her back with us. Logically I know that’s not possible, but sometimes the heart wants what it wants. I’m going to pose a similar question to you. What will it gain you to fear him forever, Petal? I don’t want you to answer it. I just want you to consider it. I also need you to know that if he still walks the earth, he will never get near you…not while I breathe.”
Chapter 18
Nora
Somewhere in the kitchen I feel like I return to my body. Until that moment I let the knife go, I felt like I was floating above myself looking down. The thought of seeing Evan again broke me. Since Lucas told me we didn’t know where he was, I kept telling myself I’m fine. Everything is fine. He’s not here. I could imagine all the places he could be and I wanted him to be. Having just his eyes on me again was enough to break my sanity.
I knew it was Tristan’s hand, but all I could feel was Evan’s. Even Tristan’s accent sometimes wasn’t enough to keep me from hearing all the horrible things said to me I’d locked in a vault. Who the fuck do you think you are? I can take everything away. You have no power. I know Tristan didn’t try to touch me like he did. I know it was absolutely an accident. My reaction was unavoidable. I needed to show I had power.
That object in my hand was an insta-action I don’t know if I can take back.
The bubbles surround me from the front. Tristan’s body surrounds me from behind. How can he forgive me? No apology can fix this.
Those are the things I play on repeat in my head until my brain fixates on his story. I step outside myself, my hatred, my terror, my loathing. I listen to what he’s telling me. He’s giving me empathy. If pushed, I could have hurt him, and he’s giving me empathy instead.
Tristan asks me a question no one has. What will it gain you to fear him forever, Petal?
I don’t know the answer. I do know what I could lose with the fear.
Tristan.
The water is starting to cool as time continues to pass, but neither of us moves a muscle. I know that if I wanted to, I could stay in this tub forever and he’d stay right along with me.
His kindness, his tenderness toward me is unlike anything I’ve experienced in my life. It’s disarming and only adds to the vicious circle of overthinking and anxiety that my brain lives in.
But one thing I do know is that I want to be as close to him as possible. I want to show him I’m okay and that I won’t break. I need him to know that I’m still me. Even if my hands shake the whole time.
I lean my head back against his shoulder and look up at him.
“Tristan?”
“Yes, Petal?”
I don’t answer him with my words. Instead, I lay my hand on top of his and try to guide it along my body, making my intentions clear.
“Nora…” he says softly at first, but I don’t stop until he says my name for a second time, stopping our movement entirely.
Embarrassment heats my face.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize. “I just…”
“No, hold on, let me speak for a moment,” he says, placing his hands on my forearms beneath the water. “Don’t mistake my denial as a lack of desire. That will always exist. I want to wait until you are truly ready. I know we’ve crossed that line many times before, but things are different now. I’ll wait days, weeks, and even months if that’s what it takes.”
***
I’m terrified to fall asleep. I know that the real-life nightmare I’ve been living tonight could, and likely will, end up bleeding into my dreams. Tristan climbed out of the water first, taking a towel for himself. Silently, he held a robe open for me to wrap around my body. He held his arms tight across me, even after the tie on the robe was doing that for me.
He led me to his large bed and pulled the covers back to allow me inside. He tucked me in like I was his girl. His.
The weight of the blankets was so comforting. The first night I was here, it was us and a sheet. This time it’s like he knew I’d need more. He climbed in beside me and waited to see what I needed. I slid over quickly and curled into his chest. I could hear his heartbeat beneath my ear, and it was just enough to lull me into a semblance of sleep.
The sun has just barely begun to tint the sky pink when I open my eyes again and we are in the exact same position as we were when I fell asleep. His arms are still protectively around me and I can feel his hands resting against my body. I never want to move from this spot. I feel like no monsters from my past, present, or future can get to me.
He spoke his truth to me last night. He bared his soul and cracked himself open for me to see, and I think I may have fallen for him just a bit more with each passing second.
And that’s why now, without his eyes on my face, I begin to talk.
“I met him when I was too young to know better. I was in a different country and even around the small group of friends I had there, I felt so lonely. He was charming, older, successful, a doctor,” I elaborate, “and I just thought he was so handsome. I was taken with him.” I close my eyes and swallow the tears forming. “It was decent at first. A whirlwind, you could say. Then he asked me if I knew what a Dominant and submissive were. I told him I thought I did.
“His first instinct was to show me. I let him. At first, it was more I did what I was told in the bedroom. He had me do things I’d never heard of. It made him happy, so because I was the one who made him happy, it made me happy. Even saying it out loud now sends a thousand red flags flying. One day it started to go beyond the sexual pieces. He would lay my clothes out for me. He would tell me what to eat and how much under the veil of it being good for my career.