I cry for the girl who was bullied all throughout her schooling. The one who became a running joke in class and was called every awful name in the book. Tears fall for the version of me that was ridiculed by her father until her mother had to intervene, only to see her get destroyed by his equally vicious words. The same person who made a working woman out of herself despite all the people who told her she would go nowhere in life because she couldn’t even read.
I spent most of my life trying to prove people wrong. It took years of tutoring to get to the place I am now, and I won’t let one setback throw me off.
So what if I couldn’t spell a stupid foreign word? My disorder might be a part of me but it doesn’t define me. Not anymore at least.
My phone buzzes against my comforter. I unlock it to find a new message from Declan. The fact that he sent a one-word text doesn’t shock me given his preference for using five words or less in all our conversations. It’s the content that surprises me, and not because it takes me three tries to finally make out the word.
Declan: Yuánfèn.
I consider ignoring it, but curiosity wins as I pull up my search bar and type the word in the box with shaky fingers. The results are mind-blowing.
Yuánfèn: A predestined infinity.
Turns out Declan likes to casually switch to a foreign language whenever he wants to avoid saying how he really feels. Because there is no way he would tell me to my face that he thinks I’m his destiny.
I think carefully about my next message. It takes me some time to find the perfect response for how I feel, and my search history is filled with variations of words that have no English translations. I copy and paste the word I found that describes exactly how I feel and press the send button.
Me: Kilig1.
I throw my phone across my bed and don’t touch it until the next morning. It’s not until I get dressed and put my makeup on that I have enough courage to open Declan’s message.
Declan: Merak2.
I copy and paste it straight into the search bar, only to drop my phone against the bathroom counter and shatter the screen.
A perfect symbol of how Declan is wrecking my plans, one by one.
Declan and I barely speak throughout the next day. I keep to my area and he keeps to his, with neither of us rehashing whatever the hell happened last night. I’m thankful that he doesn’t. Together we are dancing on a fine line, and neither one of us wants to take the plunge.
It’s complete mamihlapinatapai3 between us, with stolen glances across the conference table with no intention of seeking more. At least not for me. Although Declan sure is trying. His latest strategy to rope me in with foreign words that have no direct English translation seems to be working. Now I spend my breaks looking up new words and adding them to a running list I have, just in case Declan tries to outdo me with one.
I never thought I could have this much fun with words, but Declan seems to be keeping me on my toes. He has already sent me two words today, neither one romantic like yesterday, but each make me laugh based on our context.
The first message nearly outed me for texting in the middle of his father’s biweekly board meeting presentation. I’m not sure what Declan was thinking by sending me a text of the word backpfeifengesicht4. I choked on my water as I searched the word and found out it means something along the lines of a face that badly needs a fist. I’m convinced there is no other word more fitting for Declan’s father, although I can’t pronounce anything beyond the first syllable.
It turns out Declan does have a funny side. He just happens to be so nerdy, I need Google to help me figure his jokes out. To be honest, it’s kind of fun. The words are so difficult to pronounce that I don’t even feel the need to stress over them. It’s the meaning behind them that matters.
If I continue down this path, I foresee myself slipping further into uncharted territory with Declan. So, while I can have fun, I need to keep my guard up, because a few funny messages don’t translate into anything more than what it is: two people who can never be more than friends, no matter what.
“Why do you keep smiling at your phone?” Cal pauses his typing to look over at me.
Shit. “No reason.” I tuck my phone away in a drawer.
You were smiling? Pull it together and stop rereading text messages like a lovesick teenager.
“Right. Exactly how stupid do you think I am?”
“Are you sure you want me to answer that?”
His withering glare reminds me of an angry golden retriever. “I find it interesting that my brother has been equally invested in his phone today. During a board meeting no less.”
Deny. Deny. Deny. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Really? Because anytime he put his phone away, you picked yours up.”
“Purely circumstantial evidence at best.”
“Except I was sitting right next to you. I saw his name flash across your screen twice within five minutes.”
I wag my finger at him. “It’s rude to read other people’s messages.”
“I couldn’t care less about whatever nonsense you two weirdos text each other. I care more about your feelings.”
His comment draws a chuckle from me. “Your worries are misplaced.”
“What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t warn you away from my brother?”
“Fair point. Except you’re forgetting it’s my job to know everything about your brother. There’s very little you could warn me about that I wouldn’t already be aware of.”
“That’s exactly my worry. You know everything and still volunteered to marry him.”
“Because I care.”
“But have you ever asked yourself why you care?”
“Because…” I could fill in the blank with so many responses, each equally questionable from Cal’s perspective.
Declan gave me a chance to learn from my mistakes when other bosses fired me within a week for “careless” typos and an inability to work fast enough. He pushed me to try harder and think of the big picture, which helped me build enough confidence in myself. Unbeknownst to him, he helped me grow into a woman who believed in herself, and for that, I owe him so much.
Cal sighs. “It’s okay to like him. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t, but I want you to be prepared for the worst-case scenario.”
“And what’s that exactly? That he breaks my heart?”
“Worse. He makes you fall in love with him.”
1 Noun, Tagalog: A feeling of exhilaration or elation caused by an exciting or romantic experience.
2 Verb, Greek: To do something with pleasure.
3 Noun, Yaghan: A look shared between two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin.
4 Noun, German: A face badly in need of a fist.
27
IRIS
Things between Declan and me seem to be escalating. It has been a week since I had the brace removed, and Declan has yet to pull back. With each day that passes, he seems to grow more insistent about spending time together. Whether it’s eating dinner with one another or him working on his tablet while I watch an episode of TV in front of the fireplace before bed, I can’t seem to shake him.