Anderson looks beat down, like he’d used up all his energy fighting with me earlier, and now he’s exhausted too. “All right.” He takes one last look at the roses and lifts from the chair. “Until tomorrow then.”
I nod, watching him walk away. “Until tomorrow,” I whisper.
Chapter Nine
ANDERSON
The rest of the week only gets more difficult. A selfish, stubborn, idiotic part of me thought that Hope coming back to camp was a sign from the gods—that this was where she was meant to stay, and that while she’d forgotten her laugh, I could find a way to bring it back.
They say that if you love something, then set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours forever. But Hope is right. I hadn’t even given her a choice in the matter. To top it off, I took away her home. What I did wasn’t heroic—or out of love. The way I’d pushed her away was selfish and unfair.
After yesterday, my feelings of regret for letting her go increased tenfold. Not only had she moved on to a new city and a new job but to a new boyfriend too. She’s made a new life for herself, where she’s successful and clearly cherished by a man who isn’t me. I only have myself to blame, because while I keep telling myself that she seemed so much happier before she left, I’m beginning to realize that I’m fooling myself.
Maybe it’s not Hope’s stressful job holding her back from her happiness. Maybe it’s me.
For the past year, I’ve held on so tightly to the memories of us, when my drab world felt the brightest, that I didn’t even stop to think that maybe her brightest memories were right here with me.
Sometimes life gets so heavy that I forget what I’m fighting for. What’s the point in this uphill battle when it was never my dream alone? Once upon a time, my brothers were just as much in love with this place as me. And then in the blink of an eye… everything changed.
I run a hand over the shiny, dark coat of the newest thoroughbred at the ranch. I won him at an auction after his last derby where he was set to retire. It was his energy that won me over. For a seventeen-year-old horse, he still had a ton of spunk—just not enough to win another race for the owners, apparently. So I bought him, acclimated him to his new home, and visit him from time to time when I need a good pick-me-up.
“He’s beautiful.”
I look over my shoulder to find Hope, stunning as ever, walking toward me. She’s wearing another casual business pantsuit that makes me want to strip her down to nothing, for reasons other than my suppressed sexual fantasies. I want to see the old, carefree Hope come out to play in her black leggings, tall boots, and loose-fitting, long tops. Because even while I’m fighting desperately against the idea that she’s changed for good, I can’t stop wanting the old Hope back.
Her gaze is locked on the four-legged beauty in front of me, her eyes filled with wonder.
She stops beside me and runs her small hand down his mane. “I’ve never seen this one before. What’s his name?”
My hesitation stretches a few seconds while I squeeze my eyes shut, embarrassment flowing through me. “Sparky.”
I can feel her eyes on me, but the tension breaks as soon as her laugh enters the air. “You gave my nickname to a horse?”
I make a cringe face and slowly open my eyes to peer back at her. “Because of his energy. He reminded me of you in a strange way. Besides, I didn’t know you would ever meet him.”
She’s smiling as she runs her hand along his coat. “You really did miss me, Bexley, didn’t you?”
My sigh releases in a long stream as my gaze settles on her. There’s no need to beat around the bush any longer. I feel like the other day was the turning point for that. Now, all we can do is find a way to move forward. “I did.”
Her eyes sparkle with amusement. “And the best way you could cope with the loss is by purchasing a new friend?”
I bite down on my lip to pinch back a smile while glaring. “Something like that. Sparky here has been good company.”
“Would it be strange to say that I’m flattered?”
I release my lip and let one side of my mouth tip up. “Maybe, but I always did love your optimism.”
“Yeah,” she says while turning to face me. “Because you had none. You always needed a helpful reminder that the world wasn’t going to fall apart if you stopped controlling every little damn thing.”
She’s right. She’s always right.
“So, what brings you out to the stables today? It’s not even noon. Don’t tell me you’re actually taking a break.” I gasp in mock surprise, and she laughs.
“Funny, but no. Creative made those updates you requested, and I wanted to show you.”
I raise my brows. “But you didn’t bring your computer.”
She shrugs, her eyes searching mine. “To be honest, I didn’t know if I’d find you. It’s been three days, Anderson. You just kind of disappeared. I worked through the weekend. If it weren’t for the unlocked office doors and your award-winning morning brew, I would have been worried.”
“Well, there’s no need for that. I’ve been giving you time to work. It’s why you’re here, right?”
She nods, her eyes falling to the ground then back up to me. “You avoiding me, Bexley?”
Part of me wants to tell her whatever she needs to hear to live her happiest life, but that would be dishonest. Also, avoiding Hope would be impossible when she’s the only thing on my mind. I’ve tried, but it’s only made things worse. Instead, I watch her come and go from afar. I make sure she has plenty of coffee and food to get her through the days. I leave a cold bottle of wine for her in the staff fridge. And I always check that she gets to her cabin safely at night. I don’t need to be right by her side to make sure she’s safe.
“Isn’t it easier that way? Instead of battling through the ever-present tension between us, I figured you’d be happier if I let you be.”
Pain lances across her expression. “You’re trying to do it again. Making decisions for me that aren’t yours to make.” She shifts her stance and takes a deep breath. “Look, we clearly have a history, but I don’t want the rest of my time here to be like this. With you living in the past and me in the future.”
“What are you suggesting?”
“I think we should find some middle ground. Somehow. I’ll stop making my days all about work if you promise to stop hiding behind all this regret you carry around.”
I frown. “My life is filled with regret, Hope. I’m afraid that’s an impossible request.”
She tilts her head, her eyes imploringly gazing into mine. “That’s so confusing to me. I know so much about you—your favorite foods and colors, what makes you tick, what makes you smile and laugh—but I don’t understand all this weight you carry around for everyone in your life. You’re so damn hard on yourself. Why?”
“Because there’s no one else. It’s just me. Everyone leaves,” I say. Sparky chooses that moment to trot off, leaving Hope and me alone beside the worn, white fence. “See?”
It’s meant as a joke, but it doesn’t sound the way I wanted it to.