Pain slices across my chest like it does every time I think of all I have missed. But it’s like Jimmy said on the phone earlier. I can’t change the past, but I can shape the present and influence the future. Instead of looking at all I have lost, I need to focus on what I stand to gain. Berating Kendall for making the decisions she has made won’t give me back lost time with her or my daughter. She tried to protect me, and I’ve no doubt she did her best to protect our daughter. Dad’s threats were not flippant. He must have known about Iris. That he went to such lengths to keep Kendall and me away from one another proves he was determined to deny me the family I have always wanted with the only woman I love. His need for power and control would never have ended if Kendall hadn’t worked tirelessly to put him behind bars.
Continuing to hold on to my anger and my frustration won’t achieve anything. All it does is give that psycho more power over our future, and I refuse to do that. I could spend weeks going over everything in my head, trying to make peace with it, or I could choose to forgive Kendall and to move forward with our lives.
I don’t want to lose another second with my daughter. I want to get to know her and for her to have her father in her life.
I was so tempted to call West, get Kendall’s address, and show up at her house because I’m dying to meet Iris. But I don’t know what Kendall has told her about me, so I can’t just show up on her doorstep and demand to see my daughter. We need to discuss it and work out a plan, but I’m not holding back. I want to be in her life.
In both their lives.
I moved to Portland with the intention of making Kendall my wife, and that hasn’t changed. Yes, we have a lot of baggage to work through, but she is the other half of my heart and soul, and we belong together.
Iris is the icing on the cake, and instead of agonizing over lost time, I’m going to make it up to her. I’m going to ensure the rest of her life is so full of my love she doesn’t remember the years she spent without me.
I’ve been so lost in thought I haven’t even noticed the walk until I’m standing outside of JuKe Bakery, and the moment of truth has arrived. Drawing a brave breath, I push through the doors and approach the counter. The two women working there stop talking, their eyes widening as I step up to them. “I’m looking for Kendall. Is she here?”
They both nod, staring at me like I’m an apparition. My lips tip up in amusement. “Could you get her for me?”
They nod again, and the older woman nudges the younger one. “Go on. Go get Kendall.” She races off while the other woman openly gawks at my ink and my piercings. “Can I get you anything while you wait?” she offers after a few beats of awkward silence.
“It’s okay,” Kendall says, appearing in the doorway behind her. “I’ve got this.” She walks toward me and lifts a side panel of the counter to let me through to the back. “Hi.” Her soft smile conveys relief tinged with hope. “I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon, but I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” Being in her presence soothes something inside me, and I know I’ve made the right decision in choosing to let the past stay in the past and to focus on the future.
53
VANDER
Kendall fixes us some coffee, and I follow her up a narrow set of stairs into a long hallway. “This is our main office space. Those are June’s and Carly’s offices,” she says, pointing at two doors as we pass. “But neither of them is here today. Carly set up a meeting out of state with our first potential franchisee, and June went with her.” She’s babbling a little, and I know that’s nerves.
I slide my hand into hers as we walk toward the door at the very end of the hallway. “Don’t be nervous, sweetheart. I’m here because I want to sort everything out.”
She squeezes my hand before letting it go to open her office door. I step inside the large, warm open-plan space, and she closes the door behind us. “Let’s sit over here.”
Kendall escorts me to a seated area in the corner rather than leading me to her desk or the round meeting table in the middle of the room. My eyes flit to the small desk and chair tucked against the wall.
“Iris comes here after school some days, and she does her homework while I finish up,” she explains, noticing where my eyes have wandered.
I walk up to the wall over the desk, scanning the myriad of family photos covering the space. “She’s beautiful,” I say, running my fingers over a gorgeous photo of Kendall with Stella and Iris. “And she looks happy.”
“She is. On both counts.” Kendall beams, and I slip my hand into hers again as we stand silently, side by side, while I examine every photo. “She loves drawing,” Kendall supplies, pointing to the side wall where a ton of colorful pictures adorn every inch of space. “I have kept every single drawing from the time she was little. I have them at home for you. I have documented every milestone, and I have boxes upon boxes of photos. I printed them all out because I didn’t want to risk losing a single photo or miss capturing a single moment.”
My heart is full to bursting point as I listen to Kendall speak while I’m inspecting my daughter’s artwork and drinking my coffee. It pleases me to no end that she shares my passion and my gift. “She’s talented,” I choke out, my voice swamped with thick emotion.
“She’s an all-rounder,” Kendall explains, taking a sip from her coffee. “She loves baking too, and she’s an avid reader. She loves the movies and outdoors, and West and Ridge have taught her to play football. There’s a big park near our new house, and we go biking and walking and hiking.”
Pulling myself away from the wall, I keep a hold of her hand as we move toward the small leather couch and sit down. We are silent for a few seconds as we drink our coffee, lost in thought. “I never wanted to do this without you, Vander. You have to believe me.” Tears well in her eyes as she stares at me while setting her paper cup down on the coffee table.
I drain my drink and toss the empty cup in the trashcan. Gripping her hand tighter, I say, “I know, Kendall. I understand, and I forgive you though there really isn’t anything to forgive.” I drive these words home because I know she’ll carry this guilt around with her otherwise, and that is the last thing I want.
She blinks at me in shock. “You do?”
I tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear. “I don’t want to play the blame game. I want to know what happened, and I want to know everything about her, but I don’t want to dwell on the past because that’ll only prolong our agony and delay the inevitable.” I palm her cheek, and she leans into my touch. “The fact is, there were mistakes and wrongs on both sides. I didn’t protect you from my father like I promised. You shouldered the entire burden, and I’m not going to be the asshole who criticizes you for that. I know you would’ve told me if it hadn’t been dangerous to do so.”
“I tried to tell you,” she says, hiding nothing as she peers deep into my eyes. “I was six months pregnant and I couldn’t bear it any longer. I wanted you by my side. I felt so lonely going through the pregnancy alone. Yes, I had Stella and June and Carly, but it wasn’t the same as having you.” She presses her palm to mine over her cheek. “I booked a flight to Connecticut. I was going to tell you. I figured we could try to work something out, and at least if Greg made a false report to the police and I was arrested, you’d be there to take care of our baby. I felt guilty knowing you’d most likely have to walk away from your dream, but I knew you’d want to know. I knew you’d rather take that chance than not know.”