I glance around the room, and there are too many people in here sitting close by.
I text her back. Yes. But I’m not in a place where I can. We can talk about this after the game.
Her reply is quick, and she’s clearly worried. Are you okay?
I think about it a moment and take stock of my feelings. I pretty much just cut my parents out of my life. And yet last night, when Harlow came to my condo and kissed me, ushering in a new phase for me, I gained something so significantly more beautiful and fulfilling than anything my father has ever given me, I can’t feel sad about what I’ve just done.
I’m more than okay, I text back. Can’t wait to see you after.
She makes me feel like the king of the world with her reply. Can’t wait to see you.
I have more to say. Like, I’m crazy about her, and while I hate that my brother died in a plane crash and I’d give my own life to have him back, I can’t be sad that it led me to her.
But now isn’t the time.
I can barely say those things to myself because that’s bordering on big commitment, and I’ve learned that even those who proclaim to love you aren’t always loyal.
Still… Harlow makes me want to move past that fear of betrayal and abandonment, and I’m going to listen to my gut.
♦
Coach Keller stands in the middle of the locker room. He has a pregame speech that he likes to give before we head out onto the ice. It’s getting to be the same thing over and over again, just couched in different clichés.
He has no clue that nobody’s really listening to him. While the man is a genius with the technical aspects of the game, he has not been the great uniter and motivator he should be. That has actually come from two others—Baden and Gage.
While Baden works mainly with the goalies, he’s managed to reach out and make personal connections with almost every player on the team. He’s easygoing and always willing to listen if you have a problem. Not that I’ve gone to him with my problems, but I’ve heard he’s taken some guys under his wing and is mentoring them in their transition from the minors up to the pros.
The other guy who has become the definite glue holding the team together and lighting that proverbial fire under our butts out on the ice has been Gage. As a veteran player, he’s nearly unflappable during practices and games. Everyone looks to him when there’s uncertainty, and Coach Keller is feeling it. He’s desperately trying to cling to a self-made illusion as our great hero who’s going to lead the Titans back to victory. In order to do that, he has to take our talent pool and add in a healthy dose of confidence plus realism that will keep us motivated to give our all.
His words and speeches aren’t doing it.
Gage has reached out to almost all the players much the same way Baden has. Except whereas Baden gives more general advice and security on how to transition into the big boys’ league, Gage provides more of a family unity among the players. In the workout room, he’s always going around and checking on everyone. At practice, he’s the most vocal supporter when someone has an awesome play and is there to console when someone fucks up. This is often done right under Keller’s nose, and I’ve seen his expression when it happens.
He doesn’t appreciate it.
As such, Gage takes flak from Coach, but he lets it roll right off his shoulders. That’s his maturity coming into play.
He told me while working out the other day that he doesn’t give a shit if Keller doesn’t like his role within the team. He’s doing what’s best for all of us.
And Gage doesn’t even begrudge that he’s not captain. That title still belongs to Coen, even though he’s done nothing to deserve it or keep it, but Gage doesn’t care about those physical trappings.
He’s genuinely a good guy who wants to see everybody succeed.
We’re getting down to the wire before the playoffs start. Exactly three and a half weeks from today. Ten games left in the regular season.
Before the plane went down, the Titans were at the top of their conference with a hefty eight-point lead. They were on a trajectory to keep that number one spot and were heavy favorites to end up in the championship series.
In the five weeks the Titans have been back on the ice, we’ve played a total of seventeen games, winning six and losing eleven.
There’s nobody on this team who feels like this is a failure or disappointment to the city. We’ve been getting stronger and stronger in our play, despite the hiccups with Keller and Coen. Our most recent games were much closer in score and level of competitive play. While those eleven losses caused us to slide in the rankings, our hefty lead, plus the fact that some other teams in the running have had tough losses, means we’re still in the hunt for a playoff spot.
The point system is complicated, and a team’s standing can change on a dime depending not only on how you play but on how other teams perform.
Bottom line… if we continue to play well, we have a good shot of staying in the top eight and making the playoffs. Granted, we may be right in that eighth slot, and we might be sliding into it by the hair of our chins, but we have a chance.
It is that goal that seems to be fueling everybody.
Certainly not Keller’s speeches that ramble on and cause our minds to drift.
At least my mind isn’t drifting too much toward Harlow. She definitely creeps in now and then, but I’m focused on doing my job out there tonight.
After Coen was suspended for two games, he came back and actually seemed to be playing a little stronger. His disposition hasn’t gotten any sunnier, and he still distances himself from the rest of the team, but at least he’s starting to play a little more skillfully.
This has been a bit of a moral dilemma for me. Our second line center, Boone Rivers, got moved up those two games when Coen was out. And while he doesn’t have anywhere near the talent that Coen does if you compare them side by side, he actually ended up excelling by coming up and playing with Gage and me. He did incredibly well those two games and nabbed an assist. Again, not as strong as Coen, but he definitely fits in with us better.
But Coen is back, he’s part of this first line, and we are going to make it work. We don’t have to be friends. He doesn’t even have to pretend to like any of us. He can be an asshole, for all I care, as long as he goes out and does his job on the ice.
“We control our own destiny, men.” Keller looks around at us, and I blink to focus on him so he doesn’t know I was lost in thoughts elsewhere. When he’s confident he has our full and undivided attention, he finishes dramatically. “We must remember… not all heroes wear capes, but we are heroes all the same.”
I school my features into a hard mask and force myself to not roll my eyes. Christ, he’s so corny, but he did say something that resounds with me on a personal level.
I control my own destiny.
I’ve cut my father out of my life. I’m turning my back on his toxicity.
And at the same time, I’ve invited Harlow deeper in. Not to replace the hole left by Brooks or by my absent, manipulative parents, but to fill something that’s been expanding within me.
A growth of sorts, whereby I’m opening myself up in ways I’d never imagined. I’ve let Harlow in, and now I can only hope I don’t get hurt by it.