I held my palms up. “I don’t need to know about the various ways you pleased Nonna. Keep that shit to yourself, for Christ’s sake.”
“I’m not just talking about sex, ya pighead. I’m talking about making her feel like she’s the most important person in the world, that she’s safe with you. That’s how you keep a woman.”
“Therein lies the problem. She’s not necessarily safe with me. I have a horrible track record with her, going back to high school. And a horrible track record with women, in general.”
He smacked his hand against the side table. “Well, then I’d say you’re due for a change.”
“I’m only supposed to be passing through town. I wasn’t planning on developing feelings for someone that would require me to stay in Meadowbrook.”
“You just wanted to boink her and didn’t expect things to develop? You’re not a kid anymore, Troy. And I think you knew from the beginning that she’s not the type of girl you boink once and forget about. She’s special, that one. A real woman. Like your grandmother.”
“Exactly. She’s a real woman. And that’s why I don’t know if she should be wasting her time with me. I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Why do you need to hurt her? You’re writing the ending to the story before it even really begins. Maybe take your time seeing where things go before you draw conclusions. You’re living in the future, not the present.”
“She’s been nearly cheated on by an ex—possibly actually cheated on without her knowledge. And she knows I cheated on her friend back in high school. How the hell do I get her to trust me?”
“You become someone worthy of trust.” Nonno adjusted his blanket over his legs. “Let me ask you something. Do you think you’re still a cheater? If so, maybe you should leave this girl alone.”
If I really looked inside myself, I knew I would never hurt Aspyn in that way. “I would never cheat on her, but how do I get her to believe that?”
“It takes work and time, son. But just as important as earning her trust is keeping a woman happy.” He grinned like a Cheshire cat. “I have some secrets in that regard.”
I arched a brow. “Really. And you’ve been holding out on me?”
“Get a pen and paper. There’re five of ’em, and I want you to write them down.”
Chuckling, I stood up and walked down the hall to the administration desk where I asked for some paper and a pen before returning to my grandfather’s room.
Sitting back down, I said, “Okay…I’m ready.”
He lowered the volume on the television. “Now, keep in mind, these tricks of the trade are not substitutes for the big, obvious things like loyalty. These are little things you can do to make her smile. These are the things that basically seal the deal on an already good thing.”
“Alright…” I clicked the top of the pen and readied myself to take notes.
He cleared his throat. “Okay, first secret.”
“Yeah?”
“Rub her feet.”
I cackled. “That’s a secret to a successful relationship? I was expecting something a bit more profound.”
“I told you, these are little things… But they add up, and they matter. Rubbing feet is an intimate act that shows her you understand how hard she works, that you don’t mind getting your hands a little dirty, and that you care about her well-being.”
Feet, in general, kind of skeeve me out. I never understood foot fetishes. But for some reason, the thought of rubbing Aspyn’s feet didn’t bother me. But I still didn’t understand this so-called secret.
I wrote down Foot Rub. “Okay, well, that’s easy enough. I suppose if you think it works, I’ll try it,” I said, mostly to humor my grandfather.
He reached over to his side table and began to peel an orange. “Second secret, write her notes, even if they’re short, to tell her you’re thinking about her. A note is more heartfelt than this texting business. In my day, you wrote a note and folded it nice. Make it short, sweet, and to the point. Your Nonna had a whole collection of them from me. Not only does it prove you really care about her, it gives her something to refer back to in the times when you’ve gone and pissed her off.”
I nodded. “That makes sense. I just have to figure out how to write her notes that aren’t cheesy.”
“If it’s from your heart, it’s never cheesy. That’s the problem with most men today—they think they need to act tough. But the truth of the matter is, if you don’t express your feelings from time to time, how the hell will she know how you feel? You’re building an insurance policy to make sure she doesn’t ever feel neglected and won’t need to turn to someone else to fulfill her. Writing out your feelings can be the best way to communicate. But you should mail it to arrive when you’re not with her.”
“Why mail?”
“Because it will be a nice surprise and add to the effect. Everyone loves getting nice things in the mail.”
“Alright.” I jotted it down. “That one is definitely a bit more challenging than the foot rub. But I’ll see what I can do.”
He smiled as he placed a piece of orange into his mouth. “Secret three.”
I leaned in. “Give it to me.”
“Grab her suddenly and kiss her when she least expects it. Dip her in a dramatic fashion. That last part is a must.”
“What purpose does that serve?” I reached over for a wedge of his orange.
“It’s an act of spontaneity—shows her how easily you lose control around her, even in the most ordinary of moments. But don’t forget the dip. That’s the romantic part.”
I popped the orange into my mouth. “How the hell did you become such an expert in romance?”
“I had a great father, your great grandad. He was a true romantic. I learned from watching him, and your Nonna reaped the benefits.”
“Okay.” I shook my head and laughed. “Next.”
“Secret four is to put on some music and dance with her. Doesn’t matter if it’s just an ordinary day. We don’t need a special occasion to dance. Put on some Sinatra and go for it.”
I nodded. “Okay. Cheesy but easy.”
“Ready for the last one? It’s the most important.”
“Lay it on me.”
He finished chewing. “Tickle her.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“I’m telling you.” He chuckled. “Laughter is good for the soul. Tickling can be a physical expression of love. I used to tickle Nonna at least once a week. It would always get her out of any bad mood she was in.”
I squinted skeptically. “I’m not sure about that one.”
“Have you ever seen a bad outcome from making someone laugh uncontrollably? It releases hormones of happiness.”
I sighed. “I’m starting to wonder if you’re setting me up. Some of these things sound ridiculous, particularly this last one.”
He shook his head. “Try all of these, and you’ll be golden.”
• • •
That evening, after my work day wound down, I was surprised to receive a call from Aspyn. She didn’t normally call me during the week.