“Damn, that’s a lot of pressure. No wonder you were so mean to me,” he teased.
“This was after all that stuff happened with you.”
“I’m kidding, of course.”
“Anyway, I wasn’t sure if I could afford Princeton without the scholarship, and the stress was too much. Ironically, it started affecting my grades.” I cringed. “And I made a really poor decision.”
He moved closer and placed his hand on my knee. “What was it?”
Blowing out a breath, I hugged the throw pillow tighter. “I cheated on an important exam. I’d excelled in every subject except AP Calculus, and a friend of mine found it so easy. So I copied her answers.” I shook my head. “I really thought I’d gotten away with it—but I got caught. That led to both the scholarship and the acceptance to Princeton getting reneged. Everything I’d worked so hard for was gone. And it was all my fault, because I’d let the stress of winning influence me to act out of character. I’d never cheated a day in my life before that.”
Troy’s mouth fell open, and the color drained from his face. He looked absolutely devastated. “Holy shit,” he finally said. “I’m…I’m so sorry, Aspyn.”
Shrugging, I said, “I couldn’t be mad at anyone but myself. I knew what I was doing when I made that decision to cheat, and I had to pay the price. That’s all there is to it.”
He shook his head. “I don’t know if that’s true.” He looked away. “I had no idea you lost all that.”
“Anyway, that was a catalyst for a lot of my issues in the years that followed. I fell into a depression and decided to take time off before starting college. That was the biggest mistake I could’ve made. I had too much time on my hands and started hanging out with the wrong crowd—wasting my life away.”
He scratched his chin. “What were you doing?”
I laughed angrily. “A whole lot of nothing, really. I didn’t work for a while. It was like I fell into a hole and couldn’t get out. I became ambivalent about life and really very self-centered. Around that time, my parents were going through a rough patch in their marriage, and my sister was the only person in the family with her head screwed on straight. She’d graduated from college with a nursing degree and was happy and in love. Toby and Ashlyn were already planning to get married when she got pregnant with Kiki. Even though the pregnancy was a surprise, she was over the moon to have a baby.” I stared off toward Kiki’s closed bedroom door. “They loved her so much.”
Troy rubbed his thumb gently along my knee.
“When I found out my sister was pregnant, I was happy for her, but so miserable about my own life. I wanted what she had—not necessarily the boyfriend and baby on the way, but a purpose.” I shut my eyes. “The night they died on their way to pick me up was the last night I acted selfishly. That was the end of my years-long pity party. I had to pick myself up and figure out how to be a better person for my niece. It was the biggest wake-up call I could’ve had.”
Troy sighed deeply, still seeming a little shaken. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like—being in a tough place to begin with and then to have that tragedy happen… How did you manage to cope?”
“I didn’t, really. I just went through the motions. When Ashlyn died, I still lived with my parents. I started going to state college full time. We all just did the best we could. I graduated with a degree in general studies and took odd jobs, but I never found anything I was passionate about. My priority became helping take care of Kiki and trying in some way to right the wrong I’d caused. In many ways, it all seemed to stem from the one bad decision I’d made to cheat on that test. It’s amazing how one choice can change the entire course of your life—but also the lives of others.” I whispered, “A domino effect.”
Troy closed his eyes.
The choice to focus on this dark, depressing stuff tonight was unfortunately a waste of our time together before he had to leave. But it had all needed to come out.
“How did you end up at Horizons?” he finally asked.
“At the time I was hired, I’d been working in retail. My mother and Nancy have a mutual friend. I got the position even though I had no real work experience even remotely connected to being an activities director. I didn’t deserve the job, and I’ve always looked at it as a gift. I learned as I went along. But for the first time in my life, I do feel fulfilled in this career. I’m good at what I do, even if I started like a fish out of water.”
He nodded. “That’s why when we first took Nonno out, you said you fell into the job.”
“Yeah. That’s what it felt like, as if I’d stumbled upon it accidentally. But it’s been one of the best things for me.” Stroking his cheek, I added, “You have been, too, Troy. I’m sorry I haven’t opened up to you more. It hadn’t felt right until now.”
He placed his hand over mine. “I’m glad you did. I never wanted to push you because I figured it was difficult to talk about.”
“The ironic thing is, only in my sister’s death did I find my true purpose, which is to take care of Kiki, to be a role model for her. That’s not the way things should’ve been, of course. But it’s the way things are. I became a better person after losing my sister. I was forced to grow up.”
“I’m sure she’s proud of you. I know I am.” Troy looked down at the floor for a while.
Eventually I moved the subject back to us. “I feel like we’ve reached a crossroads, Troy. I’ve realized I want so much more than a casual relationship with you. But I don’t want to get further attached unless you’re a hundred-percent sure you want to continue building something. We have so much fun together. It’s seemed effortless until now, but a relationship with me won’t always be easy. I need you to take time while you’re away to think about whether you see a future with me here in Meadowbrook. Really think it through before making any promises, okay?”
Troy placed his head on my lap and just lay there for a while. I could feel his hot breath on my stomach.
When he looked back up at me, his eyes were glassy and held an intensity I’d never seen before. “How I feel about you is not in question,” he said. “The only thing in doubt is whether I can be the man you need. And I do think I need to take a step back and think about that.”
My stomach sank. For some reason, I hadn’t expected him to go along with my request so easily. I’d spoken out of fear tonight, and to hear that he agreed with me and felt like taking a step back was a good idea made me freak out a little.
“I never want you to look at me with hate or distrust again,” he said. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen, even if it means letting you go.”
Again, his choice of words alarmed me. Where was this coming from? But I’d asked him to scrutinize our relationship. Yet another example of how I tended to sabotage things.
He wrapped his arms around my waist. “I promise to use my time away to think about everything you’ve said. As much as I don’t want to leave Meadowbrook yet, I think it will be good to put some distance between us while we think about what’s best. Things got intense between us fast. And I agree that we’re at a point of no return—we’re both setting ourselves up to get hurt if we’re not on the same page. I need to be sure that what I want and what I can deliver are one and the same.” He pulled me into a tight hug. “You’ve changed me and made me want things I’ve never wanted before. But at the same time, I recognize what an incredible honor and responsibility it would be to own your heart. And I will not toy with it.”