She shrugged as she opened a jar of pepperoncini. “I guess that’s kind of sweet.”
On that note, it felt like a good time to move the conversation to other topics, so I asked Jasmine about her plans to go back to interior design part time.
Once her guests started arriving, the mood lightened considerably. Kiki and I spent a great deal of time playing with Hannah, allowing Jasmine and Cole time to enjoy their friends.
Jasmine’s tree was spectacularly decorated with cream-colored ornaments and white lights. The entire house was lit up for the holidays, so warm and inviting. But being amidst all this Christmas cheer made me miss Troy. I could easily imagine him beside me, rubbing the small of my back and whispering in my ear, probably telling me what he planned to do to me after we got home. It was no surprise that my mind had wandered to sexual things when it came to him, since that had been such a huge part of our relationship. But the sex wasn’t what I missed the most. I missed the feeling that someone had my back, his friendship, his encouragement, his jokes, his company, and just the way he’d hold me. I missed him. I missed the way things were.
My thoughts were interrupted when Cole walked over. He’d brought a friend with him.
“Aspyn, there’s someone I want you to meet. This is my good friend, Christian Bartholomew. We work together at the agency.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said.
“You, too, Aspyn. What an interesting name.” He tilted his head. “Were you born in Colorado?”
“No. The origin actually has something to do with trees and fluttering leaves—unrelated to Aspen, Colorado. It’s spelled with a y-n at the end.”
The next thing I knew, Cole had slipped away, leaving me alone with this guy. I don’t know why it took me even that long to realize it was a setup.
• • •
Two evenings later, I’d just tucked my niece into bed on Monday night and sat down with a hot cup of tea. I’d opted not to put up a Christmas tree this year, much to Kiki’s dismay. I’d told her my parents had such a large and beautiful tree that there was no way I could compete. Going to get a real tree was such a hassle, and I hadn’t had the energy lately. I felt guilty about that decision, but not enough to change my mind. I’d tried to purchase a fake tree, but the only one I could find was too expensive. So, I put holiday candles in the windows, set out a few poinsettia plants, and left it at that. I was staring at the window lights when my cell phone rang.
When Troy’s name showed on the screen, my heart began to race—not with excitement, but dread. The fact that he was calling all of a sudden after texting exclusively for several weeks set off an alarm.
My body tensed as I answered, “Hey…”
“Hey.” He sounded tired. “How’s it going?”
Hearing his voice made my chest tighten. Maybe that was my heart starting to break. “Good,” I managed. “Kiki just went to sleep, and I’m sitting here drinking tea.” I swallowed. “What’s up?”
“I…just wanted to hear your voice and see how you’re doing.”
Not sure where to even begin, I stayed silent, letting him put two and two together.
He finally sighed. “I know I’ve been distant since I got out here. I’m trying to do what you asked of me, and at the same time, I’m…trying to come to terms with some of my own shit.” After a long moment of silence, he added, “I don’t want you to think I’m playing games with you.”
The dread and sadness I’d felt a moment ago now morphed into pure anger and frustration. “I’m sorry, Troy. I don’t speak cryptic. You’ll have to speak English.”
“Fuck,” he muttered. “You know Kiki’s been emailing me, right?”
“Well, she only mentioned it to me once.”
“She emailed earlier today and mentioned that you guys went to a Christmas party at Jasmine’s over the weekend.”
“Yes, we did. It was a lot of fun,” I lied.
“She said she heard some guy at the party ask you out on a date.”
“This is why you’re calling? Because you felt threatened?”
“No!” he insisted. He let out a long breath. “This is so hard for me,” he whispered.
“Just say it, Troy. It’s so obvious what’s happening with us. What’s already happened.” My voice trembled. “Just fucking say it.”
He didn’t respond for several seconds, and when he finally did, it was a doozy—despite my bracing for it.
“I don’t want you to wait around for me if I can’t get my shit together and be what you need. You asked me to figure out if I was the right man for you, if I could be him.” He hesitated. “I haven’t been able to do that. And it’s not fair for me to keep you in this limbo with no answers.”
“You just gave me your answer,” I spat. “Because you shouldn’t have to think about it as hard as you have been. If you care about someone, you can’t live without them. Whether you’re the right man for me or not is irrelevant—it’s about whether you’re willing to take the risk. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
His breath shook. “You’re right. You fucking deserve so much better, and you’re better off without me.”
I begged the damn tears to stay away, but they wouldn’t obey. I wiped my eyes as they fell. “I don’t understand what happened. It felt different with you. Different from Holden. Different from anyone who came before you.”
“I fucking hate myself right now, Aspyn. You have no idea how much.”
“I wish I could hate you again, Troy. That would make this so much easier. But I don’t hate you. That’s the problem.”
I loved you.
I shook my head slowly, mustering some inner strength. “You do you. I don’t regret our time together. I just regret that things didn’t work out differently. You are who you are. And I should’ve never thought I could change you. That’s on me. I can’t even be mad at you because you’ve been up front with me from the beginning. If I think back, you never did make any promises. But…it was the way you looked at me. The way you made me feel. And you did say I was special to you.”
His voice trembled. “You are special to me—fuck, you always will be.”
I couldn’t see his face, so I couldn’t know if he was actually crying, but it sure as hell sounded like it, and that made me even more confused.
“I guess there are just some things in life that won’t ever make sense,” I said. “It’s not the first time I’ve had to accept that.”
I couldn’t take this conversation anymore. I needed to go to bed and bury myself under the covers.
“I’m gonna let you go, Troy.”
“Wait, are you okay?”
“I will be.” Sniffling, I said, “Bye.”
Before he could respond, I hung up.
It’s over.
Troy
The weather in Boston was brisk as I made my way through the South End neighborhood. It was the morning of Christmas Eve, and the utility poles that lined the street were decked out in garland.