There were days she could still feel the cool grass under her feet as she ran across the yard of the house she’d grown up in, her father chasing her while she giggled madly and the world seemed warm and cozy. Some nights she woke up and she could still feel how Deke would hold her, how much space he took up and how she adored the way she tucked under his arm.
And there were days and weeks and months that went by and she didn’t think about them at all, times when her research was all that mattered and someone had to remind her to eat. They were exciting times.
They were lonely times. They felt infinitely lonelier now that he was standing in front of her.
He held a hand out and helped her up. When she was on her feet, he didn’t release her hand. He brought it up to his chest, palm pressed to his warm, muscled flesh. “It was a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday to me. I trust you to always do the right thing. I hope you can trust me.”
She could trust him with anything but her heart. That had to remain true. “For the mission, yes. I’ll follow your lead, but you have to know that I’m not going to fall for you again. I’m a different person when it comes to that part of my life.”
“Then you don’t have anything to worry about,” he promised even as he stepped back and her hand fell away. “I’ve heard your warning and know what I’m getting myself into. If I do fall for you, it’s on me.”
She frowned at him. No matter what he said or how accepting the D/s world was, he was totally out of her league. Even more so as an adult. “Deke, I’m being serious.”
“I am, too. I’ve told you there isn’t anyone who compares to the way I felt about you. Maybe it was first love. Maybe it was teenage hormones. I don’t know, but I’d like to find out. We’re about to play a role that puts us in very intimate contact. Even the training is going to be intimate. I think it’s inevitable that we wind up in bed together, and I’m not going to fight it.”
“Well, I am.” She didn’t pretend that there would be nothing to fight.
He stood over her, his eyes warm and inviting. “Tell me you don’t want to know. Tell me you didn’t read those books and think about what D/s sex would be like.”
She couldn’t. She’d read the books and thought about what it would mean to be tied up and helpless with a man she could trust, to be able to let go of every single worry she had and concentrate on pure pleasure for an hour or so.
What Serena had said finally sank in. Yes, she was playing a role, but what she was truly doing was unleashing a part of herself that never got fed. What she would be doing was fulfilling needs she hadn’t dreamed of, but that had always been there, simmering under her shiny, intellectual surface.
“I think it would be a bad idea for us to go to bed together. I know we need a certain level of intimacy in order to fool Nolan, but it has to stop there.”
Deke took a step back. “I won’t do anything without your permission. Consent must always be given, and even if we’re in a heavy scene you can stop me with a single word. We should agree on a safe word.”
She hated that he sounded hard again. Not cold, but he’d put his Dom hat back on. He was in teaching mode, and for a moment they’d felt like something more.
Which was precisely why she needed to keep her guard up. At least she knew about safe words, and she knew they would have a contract. Those were things she could deal with. Those were logical things, steps they needed to take.
“I won’t say anything about Adam.” She needed to let him know that just because she couldn’t take that risk with him again didn’t mean she didn’t care. “I need you to know that I have your back out there.”
“And I have yours.” He held out a hand. “So we’re friends?”
She shook it, trying not to think about how big and callused it was, how she’d loved the feel of those hands on her body. “Friends.”
She couldn’t help but feel like she’d slipped right into his trap, and if she wasn’t careful, she wouldn’t even want out of it.
“Come on. We’re going to let Jake and Adam and Serena show you the ropes a bit. I want you to sit on my lap while we watch them. It’s good practice to get comfortable with one another again.”
His hand held hers, surrounding her with his warmth. Didn’t she want to know? It wasn’t like anything could come of their going to bed together. He’d made it plain that he wasn’t about to follow a woman around, and he had a job here in Dallas. She lived in California. What was the real danger in sinking into this role he wanted her to play?
“Okay, I suppose I should do that. I think once Nolan knows you’re in town, he’ll want us to spend an evening with him. We really should look like we’re physically comfortable with each other.”
He stopped and loomed over her. “I agree with that assessment. We need to be comfortable showing a lot of affection to each other. Unless you told your boss I’m a cold, formal top.”
Well, if she’d known she would have to produce him, she would have. She sighed. “I didn’t. I pretty much said you were perfect and that you keep me close and like to touch me a lot.” She didn’t want to examine why she’d built a dream Dom in her head. She definitely didn’t want to think about why he’d taken far more than Deke’s name. “I described you as possessive but not overly so, just enough to let me know you care. I said you were quite affectionate and that while you absolutely had hard and fast rules, you were indulgent with me. I think I was trying to keep him from going overboard when it comes to the woman he wants to top.”
Yeah, that sounded good.
“Or you’re falling back on what you know.” The expression on Deke’s face let her know she wasn’t fooling him for a second. “You pretty much described our prior relationship to a T. I was affectionate and indulgent, and I was absolutely possessive, though I think I hid my caveman side from you back then. I won’t now. Now I understand there’s a place for my inner caveman. I can control him so he gets let off the leash every now and then. I’ve found it helps to keep that particular beast fed.”
“Well, you were possessive to a point, weren’t you?” It was so good to remind herself of what had happened, of how he’d wrecked her heart when he was just a boy. How much more damage could the man do? “You let me go when you thought it was time. I learned that lesson from you. Let’s get to work.”
If anything happened between them it would be temporary, and as long as she remembered that fact, she would be fine. She would complete her mission and perhaps if she did indulge in sex with Deke, she could get on with her life.
He’d always been there. He’d always been the shining star she compared every man to. Maybe if she let herself spend this time with him, she would see that memory wasn’t reality.
She could move on. If she realized Deke wasn’t the perfect man she’d built him up to be, she might be able to consider a good man like Dan Gray. She would see that the spark between them wasn’t as important as relatability and reliability.
“Maddie, we should talk about that.” For the first time Deke didn’t look like he was completely in control.
She shook her head. “Nope. That’s going to be my one rule. No talking about the past. I mean, it’s inevitable that we will refer to things that happened when we were kids, but we’re not rehashing the end of our relationship. It’s done, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”