I paced, twitchy and edgy, unable to calm down. I couldn’t be alone, didn’t know how to be, but I also didn’t know how to need anyone other than him, so I called my friend Hutch, pretended everything was okay.
“I’m giving you five minutes,” Hutch said playfully.
I offered him my best fake laugh. “I see how you are. Good thing I don’t need that long—not for the call, at least. You’ve become a recluse, and that’s not like you. Get dressed. We’re going out.”
Even the thought made my stomach twist, but it wasn’t like I could tell him I needed to talk. Couldn’t be like…So, guess what? I kissed my brother and want to fuck him. I’m head over heels in love with him. How was your day?
“We are, are we? And who said you get to make the rules?” Hutch replied.
“I did. And you know how whiny and spoiled I am, so don’t pretend you’re not going to indulge me. That’s the job of a friend. I want drinks, time with a friend, and to get laid, so unless you’re inviting me over for vodka tonics and want to have sex with me, we’re going out.” Because if Hutch said yes, that would be the nail in the coffin, wouldn’t it? I could try—and likely fail—to fuck Lane away, and sever the bond between us for good in the process. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was dying without him, maybe I wouldn’t be so damn consumed with want.
When Hutch didn’t reply, I added, “You meet me out, or I’ll be there in an hour.”
“I have a friend with me.”
I hesitated. That was different. Clearly, Hutch had friends, but he’d never used that as an excuse not to go out with me before. “Bring them. Are they hot?”
“He’s off-limits.”
That statement made another rush of pain flood me. Hutch was with someone. He had what I wanted with Lane. Still, I made a joke of it, tried to cover my pain. “Why is that?”
“Because you don’t get to fuck everyone.”
I closed my eyes. Rubbed my chest over my heart. Opened them and blinked back the tears. I don’t want everyone. I just want Lane.
“You’re not fun. Meet you at ten outside Revelry.” It was a local gay bar. I wished we could meet right now, but I was too raw, too open. Plus, no one would be out yet, and it would be harder to hide my feelings if I couldn’t lose myself in a crowd of men.
“See you then,” Hutch replied.
I stayed in the shower so long, the water turned cold, and then I stayed even longer. What was Lane doing? Was he still at home, or had he left? Did he hate me?
He’d kissed me back…
I got to Revelry before Hutch and his mystery man. Hutch was bi, so it could have been a man or a woman, but he’d warned me about him being off-limits.
I saw Hutch first, then the man beside him. They were both beautiful—tall, with firm, muscular bodies. Hutch kept his hair short; the other man’s was longer and darker. He was slightly bulkier than Hutch.
I fought to school my features, to bury the ache that had lived inside me for too many years, but had grown, changed.
“Hey,” Hutch said.
“Hi.” I turned to his man. “Goddamn. I can see why you wanted to keep him all to yourself.” I sounded like me, like the Isaac everyone knew me to be, my facade firmly in place.
“I didn’t say that,” Hutch replied.
“You didn’t have to.” I could see it in the way he stood, in the way he glanced at the man, had heard it in his voice on the phone. Whoever he was, he meant something to Hutch. “Jesus, you’re beautiful,” I flirted because it was what was expected of me, because Hutch would think anything else was strange, not because I wanted this man. Even if there was no Lane, I would never do that to my friend.
“Okay. That’s enough.” Hutch patted me on the shoulder.
“This is interesting. I’ve never seen you jealous before.”
“I’m not.”
The man shrugged. “You can be because I sure as shit would be.”
Two emotions warred for dominance inside me then—happiness for Hutch because this guy felt the same way about him, and Hutch deserved that; and pain because I wouldn’t have Lane this way.
I forced myself to laugh. “Just a friend, huh? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re in love. I’m crushed, Hutch. I thought your heart belonged to me.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re not looking for anyone’s heart, and you know it.” I tried to hide it but couldn’t hold back the flinch, his words sucker-punching me in the heart. “Hey, I didn’t mean—”
“You weren’t lying,” I cut Hutch off. “Now, do I get to know this sexy man’s name or what?”
“Ryder. Nice to meet you.” We shook hands.
“This is just between us for now,” Hutch told me.
“It’s complicated,” Ryder added.
I couldn’t stop the bitter laugh that fell from my lips. “Believe me, there’s nothing I understand more than complicated.”
“Hey, is everything all right?” Hutch asked.
No, no it wasn’t, and I couldn’t say if things would ever be all right again. “Stop being dramatic. Everything is fine.”
I paid the cover charge for us, and we went inside. I tried like hell to act the way I was supposed to, to be that fun-loving Isaac everyone knew. To laugh and joke and flirt.
We went to the table I’d reserved and started in on the drinks. The waiter was sexy and twinky, the kind of man I usually went for because they weren’t like Lane, but I couldn’t pretend to be interested. Not really.
Instead, I asked Hutch to tell me about his man. Ryder joked about being good, and I played my part, kidding and flirting, being cocky right back, alcohol flowing, one vodka tonic after the other, hoping I could pass out and forget this day had ever happened.
Ryder told me about himself, and I tried to listen, but my thoughts were filled with Lane, and I couldn’t stop drinking and checking my phone, hoping and wishing he would call or text and tell me everything was okay.
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Hutch knew something was up, and still I tried to pretend.
I stood up to go dance, my legs weak and almost giving out on me. Fuck, I’d already had too much to drink. Still, I went to the dance floor.
Hutch and Ryder came out too, moving together, touching and looking at each other, so fucking in love it just made the pain inside me grow.
I had another drink, danced with men, stumbled again, nearly fell.
My head was spinning, but thanks to the vodka, the pain was decreasing. I knew it would be there waiting for me, but in that moment, I had a reprieve. “I need another drink!” I said when Hutch and Ryder came to me.
“I think you’re cut off, buddy,” Hutch told me.
The two of them each wrapped an arm around me, and I wanted to bury my face in Hutch’s neck and tell him about Lane and to hear him tell me it would be okay. But since I couldn’t do that, I joked about having a threesome with them and Hutch being in love.
Everything caught up with me then…Hutch being in love, Lane, the kiss, this night, the drinks. The spinning got worse, and my stomach clenched, nausea sweeping through me. Hutch and Ryder got me outside just in time, and embarrassingly, I vomited. This wasn’t me. I didn’t lose control like this, I didn’t fuck up like this, but I couldn’t stop myself.