“Fine,” I snapped.
Everyone got their drinks and settled around the table before a silence fell across the group.
“So where’s the lovely Sofia?” asked Tristan.
I looked up from where I was staring into my glass of Barolo that I couldn’t bring myself to taste and found five pairs of eyes all looking at me, but none wondering who Sofia was. “You’re a gossip, Tristan.”
“No,” he snapped back, “I’m your friend. And something is off with you. You never suggest impromptu drinks and now we’re here, you’re even darker than normal.”
“I’m not dark. I’m efficient. Maybe you should take a leaf out of my book.”
Beck put his arm around my shoulder. “You’re really good at cutting to the chase of an issue. You’ve always done that for us when we needed clarity. We’re just trying to help you in return.”
“I’m not sure I would be with Hartford if you weren’t . . . the way you are,” Joshua said. “Although it pains me to think you get credit for my love life.”
“All I said to Joshua is that I’d never seen you so at ease with a woman,” Tristan said. “I wasn’t gossiping. I was excited to see you so happy.”
Disappointment slid down my spine. It was easy to be happy with Sofia. She was just so completely and unashamedly herself. It was my favorite thing about her.
“And you said she was a knockout,” Joshua added.
Tristan ignored him. “Tell us what’s going on. I’m sorry if I did the wrong thing.”
I gave a small shake of my head. “Sorry, I . . . overreacted.”
“It’s a change for you,” Dex said. “You’re the king of underreaction. It’s good to mix things up once in a while.”
I’d called this meeting. I needed to walk my talk and be efficient by telling them what the hell was the matter. I took a breath. “Sofia and I are done. But . . . I’m starting to realize she was—is—important. And I’d quite like to be spending time with her.” There. I’d said it.
I glanced up to find Tristan had his eyebrows raised. A grin threatened at the corner of his mouth.
Gabriel gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
As I scanned the faces around me, it was clear they wanted me to go on. But I wasn’t sure what more I could say.
“I’ve never—I have—I was thinking—” What was the matter with me? I couldn’t get the words out. I didn’t quite know why I was here or what I wanted them to say or do. But I knew there was no other place to be.
“We’ve been there,” Beck said. “It hits you like a freight train, doesn’t it?”
That’s how it felt. Like I’d been in a near-death accident. Surely there was something wrong with me that a woman could make me feel like this.
“I bet you can’t concentrate on anything,” Joshua said.
I shook my head. “Not a thing.”
“And you can’t find the words for how empty you feel because she’s not with you,” Gabriel said.
I exhaled in relief. They got it.
“You’re all nutters,” Tristan said. “But Sofia’s hot AF so I get it. Sort of. So why did you two break up?”
I explained about how I’d offered her the job but told her that we’d have to keep things professional if she took it. “She’s perfect for the role and I sleep better at night knowing someone so talented—someone I trusted—is at the helm. Sofia has the same fire in her belly my grandmother had. The magazine needs that.”
“But maybe so do you,” Gabriel said.
I sighed, unable to contradict him because he was right. When she’d accepted the offer, I couldn’t entirely smother my disappointment. She’d made a choice, the right choice, but a part of me wish she’d said no—or at least hesitated when I’d told her of my stipulation.
“I’m lost,” Tristan said. “I saw you less than a week ago and you were practically beaming. And from a man who can barely raise a smile on a good day, that was something. You offered her the job. Okay, I’m following you, but why did you end things?”
“Obviously we can’t be sleeping together if she’s such an integral part of my team. We agreed to keep things professional.”
“I agree you can’t keep sleeping together if you’re her boss,” Gabriel said.
I nodded and sipped my wine, trying to dull the ache that crept up my throat at his words but it only made things worse—made me miss her more.
“But if what you had was more than just sleeping together, it’s more complicated,” he added.
“Agreed,” Beck said. “If you’re just fucking her, it’s a terrible idea. If you’re committed to each other, it’s not the worst thing you can ever do.”
“It’s not—” I stopped at the growl in my voice. Beck didn’t mean anything by it, but the idea that what Sofia and I had was just fucking turned my stomach and made me see red. “What do you mean, committed?”
“You’ve had a lot of girlfriends over the years,” Beck said.
“Coming from you?” I asked. “Are you serious?”
He held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, no judgement. I’m saying you’re a serial monogamist. Nothing wrong with that but if in eighteen months you’re going to get bored, you won’t want to deal with a bad situation at the office.”
“I’m not going to get bored.” Not in eighteen months. Not in eighteen years. “Life with Sofia could never be boring.”
Dexter grinned like he knew exactly what I meant.
“I got me one of those,” Joshua said. “Sometimes I wonder how I ever put up with such a dull existence before Hartford.”
“Yep, none of the women we decided to commit to are boring. That’s for sure,” Beck said.
“So if you’re saying you’re committed to this woman for the long term, you might find working together makes things easier,” Beck said. “At least you know how each other operates, and you trust each other.”
I shook my head. “I can’t be with her and be her boss. It’s not fair. You all know that I’ve learned that lesson.” I’d come so close to coming apart after being fired, I knew I could never go back and make the same mistake and I was certain I couldn’t inflict that on anyone else.
Silence circled the table. Everyone knew my rule on not dating at work was hard and fast.
Maybe part of me was hoping one of my friends around this table would have an idea that I hadn’t thought of, but when I looked up, all I saw was concern. Not a solution among them.
“I’m sure you’ve thought of everything, mate,” Dexter said. “I just know that if I hadn’t broken the rules for Hollie, my life would be . . . I can’t imagine me without her.”
I wasn’t Dexter. I didn’t bend rules. For a few days, Sofia had convinced me that boundaries could be redrawn but the reality was, the foundations of my rules were too deep to undo. Sofia had just been a temporary crack that needed to be repaired.
“I get that you don’t want to repeat history,” Tristan said, then took a sip of his beer. Yep. He got it. I wasn’t going back there. “But if I remember correctly, it wasn’t the fact that you were fucking your boss that was the problem.” Scratch that. He didn’t get it at all. I could feel the blood in my veins heat. He’d seen the state of me during that time. How could he forget? “The issue was the person you were sleeping with—a woman you cared about, from what I recall—gave you up, sacrificed you to save her own skin. She betrayed you.”