And he could stop feeling sorry for himself. He wasn’t the only one who’d left the Continent with injuries, but Nash and Jasper weren’t hiding away. Jasper hadn’t even worn his mask for much of the week, and no one had retreated in disgust at the scars from his burn. No one had cared.
“About that,” his sister said.
Nicholas narrowed his eyes.
“I believe your wife is packing to depart. O’Malley is gathering her things to take back to Catmint Cottage.”
“What?”
“Her mother wants to go home, and it appears Amelia will go with her. You didn’t know?”
“The hell she’s going,” Nicholas said, forgetting for a moment that his legs were not what they once were and that he could not run up the stairs to stop her. He started the slow, painful climb. Why were there always stairs?
“Have you quarreled?” Florentia asked.
“No. Not exactly. I...made a mistake.” He wished he could move faster not only to reach Amelia but to avoid Florentia’s questions.
“It must have been rather serious if she is leaving. She isn’t a petty sort of person.”
No, she wasn’t. She was patient and kind and open-hearted.
“What will you say to her?” Florentia asked when he paused halfway to the top.
“I’ll tell her...” But what would he tell her? That his heart was racing? That he felt a ball of fear settle in the pit of his belly? That he didn’t want to lose her? Couldn’t lose her? Because...
Why? Why was he so afraid of losing her? She would be less than a mile away in distance, but if she went, she’d be a million miles away emotionally. He might never get her back. And he needed her here. He needed her with him because...
Damn it. He paused to catch his breath and assess his progress. Just a few steps left.
Because he loved her.
Nicholas clenched the banister hard and held on. The feeling he had now was like the one he had when he was searching for a favorite book and couldn’t remember where he’d placed it. And then out of nowhere he would recall, and the book would be exactly in the place he’d left it. Realizing he loved Amelia was like finding that book in the place it had been all along. He’d known it was there, but it had just taken his mind a little longer to realize it.
Nicholas climbed the last of the stairs and looked down at Florentia who was watching him with curiosity.
“I’ll tell her I love her,” he said and arrowed for Amelia’s chamber.
He slammed the door open with more force that he might have wished, and Amelia and her lady’s maid looked up in surprise. Nicholas pointed to the maid. “Out.”
“Yes, my lord.” O’Malley lifted her skirts and was gone. Nicholas closed the door with a thud.
“What is the matter?” Amelia asked. “I wish you would ask before sending her away. I need her help.”
“To leave.”
She opened her mouth then closed it again, her gaze lowering to a pile of clothing that needed careful straightening. “Not leave,” she said. “My mother wants to go home, and I want to help her settle in.”
Nicholas gestured to the valise on the bed. “You don’t need to pack to help her settle in. You’re leaving.”
“I’ll be back. It’s only for a few days.” She still hadn’t met his eyes, and he almost believed that she meant what she said. But a few days would turn into a week or two and the longer they were apart, the harder it would be to come together again.
“Is it because of last night?” he asked, moving toward the bed. Now her gaze darted to his.
“It’s because my mother—”
“Because I raised a glass to my horse and not to you?”
“Of course not.”
“Because I am sorry about that,” he said, pausing on the other side of the bed. The furnishing suddenly felt enormous and impenetrable. “I was foxed, but that’s no excuse. Everyone else toasted their wife, and I didn’t mention you.”
She glanced up at her, tears shimmering in her large brown eyes.
“Amelia,” he said, his heart clenching at the pain he saw in her face.
She swiped at her tears. “I’m fine. I know you don’t love me, but in that moment, I just wanted to be acknowledged.”
“You’re wrong,” he said. He started around the bed, and she watched him with a wary look.
“Wrong to want to be acknowledged?”
“Wrong to think I don’t love you.”
Her head jerked back as though she’d been slapped.
And then he was beside her, taking her hands. “I do love you, Amelia.”
She stared up at him, but her expression was not what he’d hoped. Instead of seeing the joy and pleasure he wanted, her brows came together. “I don’t understand.”
“Neither did I. Not until this morning. I love you.” He pressed her hands, but she slowly pulled them out of his.
“You realized you loved me this morning,” she said carefully. “After you found out I was leaving?”
“What does it matter?” he asked. “I love you.”
Slowly, she shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
Now Nicholas was the one who reacted as though he’d been slapped.
“You are a man and a warrior. You’re telling me what you think I want to hear because you’re afraid of losing me.”
“I’m telling you what I feel because yes, damn it—I am afraid of losing you.” The words had wanted to stick in his throat, but he’d forced them out. She was right. He was a warrior, and this was a battle. One he couldn’t lose because if he did, he would lose Amelia. “Because I love you,” he said.
“And I love you.” But she didn’t look happy about it. Tears streamed down her face now, and her mouth was turned down in a painful expression. “But I just don’t know if that’s enough any longer. You say you love me, but does that change anything? I saw more emotion and vulnerability from you this past week with your friends than I ever have when we were alone. I want more than just words of love, Nicholas. I want you.”
He spread his hands, bewildered. “I’m here.”
But she pressed her lips together as though disappointed. “I’ll be gone for a few days,” she said, going back to her pile of dresses. “We can talk more when I return.”
“Amelia—”
“I think a few days apart might do us both good.”
But he didn’t want a few days apart. He wanted to pull her in his arms and kiss her and never let her go. Clearly, that was not what she wanted. And devil take him if he understood what she wanted. He’d told her he loved her. He’d gone to her and apologized. If that wasn’t enough, then maybe she should leave.
“Fine.” He turned and went to the door between their chambers, pulling it open, and slamming it closed.
AMELIA WAS VERY GOOD at managing tears. She’d had years to practice the art of putting on a smile for her ailing grandmother or her dying father while wailing on the inside. Dinner that night was no different. Nicholas didn’t come down to dinner, which didn’t surprise her. He was hurt and angry. She was sorry for that, but what more could she do? She’d opened her heart to him, and he’d thrown some words at her. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, but he had. She needed to fortify herself, erect some walls before she returned so she could protect her heart.