“Me, too. So much.” A pause. “They would want me in Seattle tomorrow.”
“God. Tomorrow? That gives us no time to think or react. Can we just slow down? Please, please, please.”
“I hate it, too, but they’re ready to move. It’s a contingency of the offer. I’d start right away. They don’t want a gap.”
I couldn’t find air. My lungs felt shallow. Balloons with holes in them. “I’m coming over.”
“I’ll be here. Maybe we can talk it through.”
I left the ladder right where it was and grabbed my keys. My mind raced, and I did my best to figure out how to respond to what felt like quicksand. I wanted to support her—in fact, I had to—but I selfishly wanted her here with me. More than that, I wanted her to want to be.
When I arrived at Carrie’s place, I found her in the bedroom, suitcase open on the bed. I felt the blood drain from my face and I paused in the doorway. The world slowed down to a sickening pace. “So that’s it? You’ve made up your mind.” I blinked at the offending suitcase. I’d never hated an object so much in my life. I wanted to kick the thing. Hurl it out the window. Instead, I sagged.
Her face had apology written all over it. “I don’t know. I just…There’s a flight tonight that would have me there in enough time. I don’t know that I can make myself get on it, though. Not if you’re not there with me.”
“I want to be, but—”
“Your dream job is at your feet.”
I nodded, lost, unsure what to do.
“And I was there for you at your side, supporting you every step of the way.”
“That’s true. You were.”
“Please do that for me now. Please.”
This was a horrible situation. “Then I guess the only thing for me to say is get on that plane. Find your happiness.” God, the words gutted me. I didn’t mean them. I wanted to be that happiness, and learning that I wasn’t enough was information I’d have to set aside for later.
She picked up a blouse and placed it inside the suitcase, and it took everything I had not to take it out again.
Desperate now, I was ready to put it all on the line. “We love each other. We both said so. We can make it work, right?” But inside, I was no longer sure. I was wildly off balance and hurting.
Her features softened. “Yes. Of course we can.”
In a last attempt to keep her with me, I needed to put myself out there, be vulnerable, because then she’d see that I was all in. “I love you. With all I am and with all I have. If this is what you want, then I want it for you. But it hurts to see you go.” I swallowed. It was up to her now. I’d said how I felt. I’d given her all the pieces, everything I had.
She paused, set down the handful of hanging clothes, and looked me straight in the eye. “I love you, too, Skyler. I do.” My heart squeezed, and I exhaled. My fingernails had been digging into my palms. They stopped. “Trust me. I get how big of an ask this is. And I will find a way to make it up to you. I will go out of my way to make us work, because I know that we can.”
As much as I wanted to put myself out there and say Choose me, it wasn’t fair to Carrie. But that’s not to say I didn’t will it to happen. Choose me, Carrie. I choose you. Choose me.
Silence hung between us.
“I love you and I support you,” I said again simply. “And if we’re in love, then that should matter most.”
“It does,” she said, but inexplicably, she was continuing to pack. Why was she doing that?
“When will I see you?” I asked, wrapping my arms around myself.
“I’ll be back in a week. Two at the most, depending on how heavily they schedule me at first.”
“And then what? You’ll be living in Seattle.”
“I’ll still have my place here. We can go back and forth. Just think how amazing those weekends will be.”
The problem was that I was already having flashbacks to early Monday morning drop-offs at Aunt Yolanda’s when my mom would head out for the week. She had every intention of being a good parent just as soon as she could get ahead in work or school. But she’d never fully come back to me. Even to this day, I was still waiting. Watching Carrie pack now had me sick to my stomach. It didn’t have to be this way. There was a perfectly good job waiting for her here. It wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t either.
“What if I came with you? They can find someone else to anchor here, and maybe I can get picked up as a reporter in Seattle.” I heard the panic in my voice and couldn’t stand it. I was that little kid again, desperate not to be left. I hated myself, and part of me hated her for putting me here.
She came around the bed and took my hands. “And walk away from this opportunity? Skyler, no. You can’t do that. And I won’t let you. I won’t be the cause. You’d end up resenting the hell out of me for it. This is too big of a chance for you.”
“Right.” I pulled my hands back. It was clear now.
Carrie didn’t want us as much as I did. It was that simple.
What I had just offered required nothing on her part. The fact of the matter was that if she had said yes, I would have walked away from it all. For her. That’s how much I loved her, with every fiber of my being. She couldn’t do the same. “So, you should go.”
“Until next week.”
“Until next week,” I said, watching my whole world crumble around me. Something inside me had shifted, walling off the acute emotion, and allowed me to see this situation for what it was. Likely the end. People made promises. They just had a hard time keeping them. A week would turn into three, and then a month between visits, until we’d finally drifted so far from each other that the idea of the real us became only a far-off memory. I was familiar.
Her blue eyes held mine, tearful and sad. “Skyler. I’ll stay if that’s what you want. I will.”
“You supported me. I’ll do the same for you.”
She hesitated. “For the record, I’m not choosing a job over you, and I hope with a little time you will see that.”
“Me, too.” I heard the little bit of fire behind my voice.
Her eyes carried sorrow. “Do you know what kind of person I’ll turn into if I don’t go? Hell, you wouldn’t even recognize me. You wouldn’t want me.”
I blinked. “I’ve always wanted you.” It was the reverse I was afraid of.
There were tears in her eyes as she returned to her suitcase and zipped it up, the last of her packing for the week complete. “I knew this would be hard for us, but this feels like I can’t breathe.” She met my gaze and held it, and I wondered if maybe, just maybe, she was reconsidering. Hell, she had the lifestyle show in the palm of her hand. It was a job most people would kill for, and it was perfect for her. There should be no question.