She really fucking didn't.
“You gonna tell me what’s had you crying these past couple of days?” I rumbled against her mouth.
Giulia heaved a sigh. “It doesn’t matter.”
That meant it did.
Fucking women.
“Need me to bite you again to get it out of you?”
She let loose a soft laugh. “I’d be a moron to say no to that type of persuasion, wouldn’t I?”
TEN
RACHEL
ISAAC - MADONNA
I tugged the blanket higher around my shoulders as I sank into the armchair in my bedroom.
Reaching for the tea I’d placed on the stand beside me, which I’d perched next to the leather box Rex had given me for my birthday, I took a sip as I flicked through the channels, finally settling on an episode of 90 Day Fiancé, but I couldn’t focus on it.
This morning, I’d woken up to the belated birthday gift outside my door.
Tucked in the card, there’d been an explanation that it was a memory box.
Memories… They were what goddamn plagued me.
Gaze drifting from the box, I peered out onto the pitch-black hill ahead of me. Spying the city lights in the distance, I watched a couple of cars moving here and there, and I tried to find comfort in the humdrum.
It didn’t work.
Everything was changing.
This year, more than any other, I’d been feeling the passage of time, and that was before I’d learned I was pregnant and that Bear had asked Rex to help him die.
Rain was graduating, he’d be heading out into the big, bad world, and I’d be left here.
Alone.
Watching Rex from a distance.
Wishing things were different.
Knowing they couldn’t be.
Until today, I’d thought about moving into the city.
My NGO work often had me heading into New York City, never mind the clients I had that were incapable of keeping themselves out of trouble.
But another baby…
Even if I knew I shouldn’t be a mother, I was point blank incapable of giving up another child.
I tried to let the infusion of chamomile soothe me, but it wasn’t a magical potion and couldn’t wipe the slate clean—if only it could.
“Change isn’t always a bad thing, Rachel,” Axel, my stepdad, used to tell me when I was younger.
He wasn’t wrong, but neither was he right.
These types of changes were never good.
Staring out onto West Orange, an urge hit me.
It wasn’t an odd one. Since Rex had moved into my house, I often fought this particular desire, but tonight, it was harder to battle.
Harder to stay here.
Harder to ignore.
Making sure both my private and business cellphones were switched off—it was goddamn Christmas Eve; my clients and the few friends I had could wait until tomorrow if there was a problem—I drifted to my feet as that urge continued plaguing me. Like an itch I couldn’t stop myself from scratching.
I headed downstairs, my destination the dining room. Only, it was in the dark—Rex wasn’t there.
Checking out the other rooms on the first floor, I saw they were also empty apart from one of the dens where Nyx and Giulia were doing only God knew what. They were quiet though. The TV was on, its lights flickering beneath the door, but it wasn’t blaring, so I left them to it.
On any other day, I’d have taken this as a sign. I’d have gone into my office and used work to push the thoughts away, to shove my need aside, but this was today.
I returned upstairs and headed for his room.
Knocking on the door heralded nothing, and while I could tell there were no lights on, I pushed it open anyway.
As quietly as a mouse, I closed the door with the faintest snick then padded into the room before I took in the lay of the land.
His breathing was heavy enough that I knew he was sleeping, so I shuffled over to the bed, knowing he’d be on the side nearest to the door, and I climbed on top of it with him.
He didn’t stir, which spoke of his exhaustion, and I sighed as the scent of him hit me hard.
Every drop of air I inhaled smelled of him, and his warmth leached into me, filling me with him in a way that had me curling onto my side and snuggling close.
We’d not often slept together.
Not like this.
Not for years, either.
God, it felt good.
So good.
He stirred on the sheets when I pressed my face against his arm and breathed, “Rachel.”
It wasn’t a question.
Wasn’t even a statement.
It was a soft sigh.
A sleepy one.
I closed my eyes, rubbed my nose against his flannel-covered bicep, and wished that things were different. Wished that I weren’t me. Wished that I—
Clenching my teeth a second, I forced myself to relax and whispered, “I’m here, Rex. I’m here.”
He didn’t answer.
Why would he?
He was fast asleep.
He needed the rest too, so I didn’t disturb him.
I just lay there.
For hours.
Thoughts crawled sluggishly through my mind, tumbling one after another, tiring me out but not letting me sleep.
Minutes or hours later, I heard Nyx and Giulia shushing each other as they climbed the stairs and returned to their bedroom.
When dawn began its approach, I heard Rain get up and the shower start in his bathroom. I even heard when he went downstairs and left for the job he had as a server at one of the local country clubs where he’d be waiting tables for the Christmas feast.
Once he’d left, the house was serene again.
When Rex finally awoke, I didn’t bother moving. Not even when I felt him jolt in surprise at my presence here.
“Rachel?” he croaked tiredly.
I just hummed.
“What are you doing here?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
He didn’t answer, but moved his arm and I settled deeper into his warmth. Sighing as it leached into me, I whispered miserably, “I miss you.”
“I miss you,” he whispered back. But he didn’t sound miserable. Just worn-out.
So worn-out.
Tears pricked my eyes, tears that only formed because I was exhausted too, and I nuzzled into him, seeking and giving comfort the only way I could.
“I miss ‘my girl,’” he rasped. “I miss touching you without it being complicated. I miss the Rach who’d laugh and tell me I was an asshole instead of just looking at me like I’m crap on her shoes. I miss not being frozen out by you. I miss you.”
I could have argued, but what was the point?
“I haven’t been her for years,” was all I said.
“No. You’re in there. The real you is. She’s just frozen. Encapsulated in ice. One day, I know you’ll defrost. One day, I know you’ll be back.”
Something quickened inside me at his words, and it filled me with enough courage to ask, “Will you stick around for me?”
Breathless, I waited for his answer, but when he gave it to me, I cringed, deep inside.
“Always. I didn’t leave, Rachel.”
I gulped at his emphasis on the word ‘I.’
Another time, another day, another week, I might have raged at him. Drowned him out with hissed words that left lacerations behind, but today, no. Not with Bear’s impending death looming ahead of us. Not with the baby in my belly settling in for the duration.