I hate people who sweep shit under the rug and never deal with their shit, only moving on as if nothing happened and expecting everyone else to go along with their pedantic bullshit. With that out of the way, it was easy to see that it was the right call because she seemed much lighter and even happier when we finally said our goodbyes.
I’d done all I could as far as her issues go; now it was time to turn all my attention to Sicily, which I’d gone as far as I could with that until I get there personally. There’s only so much you can do from behind a computer screen, after all, when you don’t know the players on the ground.
One of the biggest hurdles has been finding out where my grandfather disappeared to almost twenty years ago, along with trying to learn the identities of all the people who were there the night my mother was harmed. It was something she’d said in her story telling that had stuck with me, something she only seemed to gloss over and never paid too much mind to, but for me, it was very important.
You see, on the night of her violation, there were other people around, people who knew, people who laughed at the situation. To her, Ricci was the only one at fault; for me, they were all culpable. I never told her that, never mentioned that I held them all to blame, not only for not stopping it from happening but for never coming forward after the fact.
I’ve spent years trying to find them without knowing so much as a name. It hadn’t been easy, but with painstaking patience, I’d pieced together a picture by going back through Ricci’s life from the bits and pieces I picked up from the internet over the years. I simply went through his friends, those he was photographed with, and those who were mentioned with him in any capacity.
From there, it was easy to go back as far as his high school and college days until I had a rough idea of who his core group of friends was. I couldn’t ask Ma. I never bring that awful shit up to her, no matter how easy it would’ve made things for me. In my way of thinking, if those words were still etched so clearly in my mind after hearing them only once, I can just imagine how it is for her who’d lived through it.
I still haven’t been able to find my grandfather, something that bothers me still, but I think I was able to find the last person that was there that night. She’s the only one that seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth not long after, and for some reason, I think there’s more to her disappearance.
I’d started to think maybe she was dead, but once I got help on the ground through gramps’ connections, I later learned that she was very much alive, just completely removed from the life she once lived. Since she’d pulled this disappearing act so soon after mom’s assault, I can’t help but think her disappearance had something to do with that night.
Although I’d been able to put together who Ricci’s friends were at the time, I still had no idea who’d been in the room that night. So far, all I know about these people are their names and what little has been said about them on social media, which we all know is bupkis. So, my first order of business when I reach Sicily is to find this runaway friend and get the information I need out of her.
Aside from Pop, Ma is the one I’ve been most worried about. I know she’s going to feel some kind of guilt from my actions, even though she’s the one that brought this shit to my attention. I’ve never resented her for it; how can I? But with Gianna in the picture, I sometimes wish she’d never told me about that night, which leads to me thinking I’m a selfish asshole for those thoughts. She’d lost her whole life essentially, even though things had turned around after she met Pop.
Still, that doesn’t erase the horrendous shit she’d endured, and I, more than anyone, have no right to resent anything that she’d chosen to do. This is one of the reasons I need to put some space between Gianna and me, no matter what road my trip to Sicily takes. Whether it will be a long-drawn-out ordeal or something I take care of in a week, the end result will be the same.
But if I keep her with me, it’ll only cause me to doubt myself, to want things I know I can’t and shouldn’t have. But since I’m not planning to go to Sicily until the third day, which will be one day after her coming out, I’ve decided to give her these last few days. I’ll dedicate all my time to her, making sure she has the time of her life so that the blow of my breaking things off won’t be as hard. At least, I’m hoping.
For some reason, one of the hardest things I face is telling my sisters about my plans to break things off with Gianna. They’ve come to love her, I know, and are very protective. And though I know they’d never choose anyone over me, I feel like I’ll be putting them in an awkward position without being able to tell them why I’m doing this.
The twins have no idea about what happened to Ma, and I hope to heaven they never do; it’ll crush them. I don’t even know if they remember that Pop is not my biological father; they never mention it, no one in the family ever does. Come to think of it; I don’t think Gianna even knows. I won’t tell her, or anyone else, because Pop doesn’t like that. He gets very putout if it’s ever mentioned, which no one has since I was about five, I think.
But getting back to Gianna and her relationship with the twins, a relationship I fostered before I made the mistake of taking things too far with her. I can only think of the long run when it comes to that, as selfish as it may seem. By that, I mean that one of the things I’ve decided is that she can’t stay in my life for however long or short this process will be.
Not only because I want to cause her as little pain as possible but because I have no idea what kind of blowback may come my way once I go after these people. I’m not worried about the rest of my family. I don’t plan on getting them involved in any way. But it would be almost impossible to carry on a relationship while simultaneously keeping her hidden on the off chance that Ricci or any of his cohorts decide to come after me.
You see, I already know what I plan to do once I start this, and none of it’s going to be pretty. She’s had enough to deal with in her young life. And though she may not see it now, in the long run, she’d realize that this was the best for all involved. Even though I tell myself that, I still feel like a jerk for the simple fact that I should never have touched her in the first place.
I don’t regret her coming into my life or any of the things I’ve done and am still doing to make her future more secure. But I would be lying if I said I don’t regret letting things go too far between us. There’s no excuse, no way for me to gloss over this shit; I fucked up. So, for the next few days, I’m going to do my best to make it up to her without letting things go any further. In other words, I’m going to try to put distance between us in the nicest way possible in a way that would do the less harm.
“You’re doing it again.”
“What?” We were now pulling into the gates of home after picking up her nighttime ice cream after leaving her dad’s.
“Lately, it seems like you keep going away in your head.”
“Why do you say that?” I honestly wanted to know because I’m sure there’s nothing I do to give myself away. I have too much training for that.
“I can’t really explain it. It’s not anything you do per se, just a feeling I get in the pit of my stomach. Does that make sense?” How the hell should I answer that? I’m not about to lie to her about her feelings, not when they’re true. I just wish I knew how the hell she out of everyone I know, the person I’ve known the least out of those I’ve allowed to get close would know me that well.