Now, to the point that we’re all basically teenagers, who do teenage crap, I don’t see too much of a problem getting them on my side. Soon they’d know what to report and what to keep to themselves. Basically, with my last parting shot, I’m trying to con them into believing that Pop hadn’t hired them so much to keep an eye on me as he did to protect me. Meaning they had no say in what I did and wouldn’t try to stop me, not that they ever could. But I don’t want Pop knowing my moves before I make them, not until I was ready to share.
I didn’t hang around waiting for them to put it together but went back to the main dwelling where the girls were busy with their etiquette coach. One thing I hadn’t prepared for was the feeling of loss I carry around with me now. Each time I look at Gianna, it’s with the eyes of someone who’s saying goodbye.
While she’s excited and brimming over with joy, my heart’s being torn in two. Each laugh, each gentle touch of her hand when we’re close, is like a dagger to my chest. I didn’t know it would be like this that I would mourn her. This makes me worry about her own feelings when the time comes. It’s only been a few weeks for me, too and I’m arguably more well equipped to deal with what’s coming than she is.
The thought of her feeling even a fraction of what I do, makes me hate myself even more. I wish there was a guarantee…I brought myself back from the brink when I caught Lance standing outside the door to the room where the girls were, peeping in. “What’s up?” He almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of my voice.
“Shit Gabe, you scared me.” He went back to peeping through the crack in the door where I could see over his head into the room where the girls were practicing deportment. “What exactly are you doing?”
“I’m just keeping my eye on that chick. I think she’s a bit abusive. Did you hear the way she spoke to them?” I barely contained my laughter at the look on his face.
I’d forgotten how overprotective he is but was glad for the reminder. Knowing that they have him in their corner goes a long way to making me feel better about the future. Gianna isn’t the only one I worry about leaving. “They’re almost done here; what say we take them out somewhere.”
“Sounds good; I have a list of places the girls wanna see.” Of course, you do.
We watched for another twenty minutes while the girls breezed through the lessons that they’d already taken months ago, and Gianna caught on easily enough because she had an innate sense of style and grace that the lessons only enhanced.
My suggestion for the outing stemmed from some guilt, not only because of the trip to Sicily and what was bound to follow but because while she was here having a blast and embarking on a new and exciting chapter in her life, her dad’s own life was about to go to shit on the other side of the world.
With the six-hour time difference, I knew it was only a matter of a few hours; if that, before Felix fell into the trap, I’d set for him. If I had any doubts about me being a monster, what I was about to do would put them to rest. Even though I knew the outcome could hurt her in some way, I still couldn’t not go through with it because my sense of justice wouldn’t let me.
Where some would see room for a grey area, I only see in black and white. Right is right, and wrong is wrong. So even though she may come to a point where she’s willing to forgive Felix for his monumental screwups, I can’t and won’t. Doesn’t that make me monstrous? The fact that I’m willing to sacrifice her feelings because I can’t overlook my own.
When I think of it like that, two things happen. One, I accept and am assured that she deserves someone better, and two, my lack of empathy assures me that I have too much of the man who fathered me in me to be any good. I’m not much younger than he was when he did that horrendous shit to my mom, just three or four years, I think. How much longer before I become more like whatever he is?
So, it was with a heavy heart and a wish that things could be different that I waited for Gianna to leave that room then smiled lovingly at her while my heart broke in two as I invited her to go see the sights of Paris with me. As she accepted and put her arm through mine, I knew that at that very moment, her dad was on his way to destruction. A destruction I’d set in motion.
She has no idea who I am. That fact hit me like a ton of bricks when we got into the back of the chauffeur-driven car with half the security team following us and the other half in front. The others chattered away like magpies, well the girls did, while my mind was back home where things were about to go down.
Lance seemed to pick up on the fact that something was up because he kept giving me these worrying looks while trying not to let the girls catch on. I shook my head at him and smiled before taking Gianna’s hand in mine to throw him off. Even that made me feel like a jerk. But I can’t help it; it’s who I am. I’m the guy who can sit here, be part of their moment while wreaking hell halfway around the world, and not bat a lash.
BECKY
The pain is almost nonexistent, but my life feels like it’s gone off the rails in the last few days. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that this isn’t right, that I’m too far gone, but I can’t seem to retrace my steps and get back on the right track. My mind is a blur and has stayed that way ever since I was picked up from the woods, and I think I might be going insane one moment and on top of the world the next.
First off, I wasn’t completely myself when I left those woods. I think between the fear and pain I felt, something tore in my mind, and that’s why I was so easily duped into taking my first hit of meth. I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d be into that, but I have to admit that after the first time, it didn’t seem so bad.
It helped with the pain and, in all actuality, put me in a better frame of mind than I’d been in since my first arrest. I was no longer doubtful of my actions, and the fear of being exposed no longer felt like the end of the world. In short, I could see more clearly to finding ways of getting out of my new predicament.
I’ve always been able to get Felix to see my side of things and saw no reason for that to change. Sure, there was more to overcome now with the stupid housekeeper coming forward with her tale of woe, but with the drug coursing through my system, what had begun to seem like a hill too hard to climb, was no longer the ordeal I’d made it out to be in my mind.
The only downside I’ve seen in the last few days since I started my new favorite pastime is that when the high wears off, those old thoughts crop back up, and I’m back to square one, which is further acerbated by my new circumstances. If anyone should find fault with my willingness to lose myself, if only for a few hours, I’d like to invite them to live with what I have been in the last few days alone and see if they’d do any different.
So, what I’ve found a new way to escape? I dare anyone, facing the same, not to be tempted, and besides, I can stop whenever I want. It’s not like I plan on spending the rest of my life being strung out on drugs, living in this hellhole with the rest of these deadbeats. For one, I’m nothing like the others here who I found repulsive upon first meeting. That all changed immediately after my first hit. Then they seemed like kindred spirits.
But going back to the beginning, I’d been too out of it when I was picked up to say much of anything. Just the fact that I was leaving that place was enough. With my jaw wired shut, I couldn’t say much anyway, but I could still think, and what was going through my head only filled me with dread and fear. I seriously thought my life would end there in that dark, dreary place where every sound I heard was thought to be my last.