Surviving my new life in Old Darling Hill was exhausting. Keeping up pretenses, acting like everything was okay so I didn’t draw too much attention to myself. Every day was like wading through mud, and some days it was almost impossible to keep moving.
But I did it.
I kept pushing forward.
Even when Nix had showed up again, I’d kept putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.
Because the choice was simple. Continue to exist—to try and find myself again in all the heartache and pain—or give up.
And I knew what lay at the end of that choice, and it was a place I didn’t ever want to revisit.
“Maguire, come on, open the door and let me in. We can figure it out, I swear. Just don’t do anything stupid.”
Stupid.
Because that’s what it was to people on the outside. A stupid, reckless, spur of the moment decision. It couldn’t possibly be the final straw. A moment born out of pure desperation and hopelessness. A moment when everything felt impossible, the obstacles simply too insurmountable.
A moment when choosing to end it felt like the easier option than sticking around to fight.
Unless somebody had been in that situation, they couldn’t begin to imagine what it was like to be in that headspace. To truly believe that it was the only answer.
My breaths came in short sharp bursts as I drowned in the darkness. It swept in, unyielding and unforgiving, enveloping me in its ironclad grip. It would be so easy to close my eyes and surrender. To let it wash me away until there was nothing left.
“Harleigh… Fuck.” Nate’s footsteps receded, fading into the distance.
A whimper spilled out of me as I tucked my knees up and squeezed my eyes shut.
“Harleigh? Harleigh!”
My eyes flew open. Had I fallen to sleep? Was I dreaming?
“I swear to God, B, if you don’t open this door right—”
“N-Nix?” My voice was barely a whisper, my limbs heavy and head too clouded to focus.
“No, Wilder. You can’t—”
“Watch me.”
The door splintered in on itself, crashing against the wall.
“Birdie, shit.” He rushed to my side, crouching over me. “What—”
“I’m okay,” I sniffled, dragging a deep breath into my tight, aching lungs. “I…”
“Come on, up we go.” He slid his arm under my legs and one around my back and lifted me up with ease.
“Harleigh, oh my God.” Celeste appeared. Miles and Nate too.
“Is she okay?” someone asked.
“I don’t know. Can I take her somewhere?”
“Yeah, my room. Up the stairs, first door on the—”
“Somewhere else,” Nix said, his grip on me tightening.
“The games room. Come on.”
I clung to his shoulders as he carried me down the hall, following Nate. The oppressive black cloud slowly began to dissipate until I could breathe again. But another wave crashed over me, this time one of shame and embarrassment. I buried my face into Nix’s hoodie, letting his familiar scent calm me.
He’d always felt like home to me, still did.
But he wasn’t my home, not anymore.
A tremor ripped through me, and another. Aftershocks of the panic attack that had paralyzed me.
“I got you,” he whispered into my hair. “I got you, B.”
The air rushed past me as he lowered me down onto the couch, and someone tucked a pillow under my head.
“Hey, you’re okay.” Celeste’s face appeared. “You’re okay, Harleigh.” She brushed the stray hairs out of my face. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I… I—”
“What is this?” Nix appeared with my cell phone in his hand. “What the fuck is this?”
“Whoa, man. Calm down.” Nate held up his hands, slowly approaching Phoenix.
“Celeste,” I cried, grabbing her hand. I didn’t want anyone to fight, not over me. But I couldn’t find the words or energy… completely wrung dry.
“Stop. Both of you. You’re scaring her.”
“Did you send this?” Nix ground out, thrusting the cell phone at Nate.
“Send what?” The color drained from Nate’s face as he read the screen. “No. I have no idea— fuck. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t…”
“Harleigh.” Nate approached, crouching beside me. “When did you get this?”
“E-earlier, when we were talking.”
“This is why you locked yourself in the bathroom? Why you freaked out?”
“She didn’t freak out, idiot.” Celeste said. “She had a panic attack. You all need to go. Get out and give her some space.”
“I’m not leaving.” Nix planted himself there, folding his arms across his chest.
“Nix, come on,” Celeste hissed. “She doesn’t need this right now.”
“Celeste,” I croaked. “It’s okay. He can stay.”
“Harleigh, you don’t—”
“I said it’s okay.”
I just wanted them to stop. To stop arguing and stop looking at me like I was a freak show.
She gave me a tight-lipped smile. “Do you need anything?”
Such a loaded question.
I needed things to go back to how they used to be. When my mom was alive, and Nix was my whole world. When life was hard, but it was also safe and familiar and predictable. When people didn’t hate me because of where I came from.
But she couldn’t give me any of those things, so I shook my head gently and whispered, “No, thank you.”
“Okay. I’m going to let Miles and Chloe know you’re okay.”
“Chloe’s here?”
“Yeah. She was worried.”
Exhaustion rolled through me. I wanted to close my eyes and erase this moment from my mind.
“I’ll be back soon,” Celeste added, leaving the room.
“If you need anything,” Nate said.
“Thanks.”
He followed her out, leaving me alone with Nix.
He didn’t move closer, just stood there in the middle of the room, staring at me.
“Nix…” I whispered.
“I need a second, B.” Pain was woven into every word. He released a heavy sigh, the air shifting around him. Thick and oppressive and suffocating. “I’m trying to understand what the fuck is going on… but I’m coming up empty.”
“You weren’t supposed to see me like that.”
“And at the fair? Was that whatever this is?” There was an angry edge to his words.
“Kind of.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means it’s not something I can control, Nix. You think I like being like this? Not knowing from one minute to the next when something is going to set me off?”
“I-I don’t get it. What happened to you? What—”
His words hit me like a wrecking ball, shattering something inside me. And all I could do in its wake was let out a bitter, broken laugh. “You. You happened.”
He went deathly still, his gunmetal eyes fixed on my face, searching for what, I didn’t know. “M-me?”