My first thought was that the baby you’re carrying should have been mine. My second was that we should be going through this together, and my third, well, that’s the biggest revelation of them all.
He left you. I want to hurt him for that. I’ll leave the violence toward him in my head, but I need you to know that it’s there. I hate him for leaving you. What’s worse is I hate myself for leaving you too. I should have stayed and fought. I can’t help but think that if I had stayed like I had decided on our night together, you might be carrying my child.
Anyway, back to my revelation. Your baby boy, he’s a part of you, and there is not a single part of you that I don’t love, Riley Burke. Since the day I stepped on that plane, my plan was to fight for you, to fight for us the minute I got home. When I found out you were pregnant, I struggled with how to make you mine, and lying here in my bed, it hit me.
I’m still going to fight.
Only this time, I’m going to fight for you and for your son. Is it weird that I feel like there is a piece of me that’s already his, just because he’s yours? Yeah, it sounds crazy to me too. I wish I could describe how I feel staring at your rounded belly. I guess I can try. I feel… protective, awed, lustful, proud, and most of all love.
For both of you.
I want you.
I want him.
I want us to be a family.
I’ll be home soon, Riles, and I won’t stop until we’re a family of three. Well, we’ll start with three and see where we end up.
All my love,
Hudson
Closing the journal, I fall back onto the pillow and close my eyes. I’m stunned by my own words, but I feel them deep in my gut. I want them both. I know that I can love them both better than anyone else could even attempt.
“Thanks, Mom,” I say with a slight chuckle. When she gave me this journal, I thought she’d lost her damn mind, but it turned out to be therapeutic. At least for now. When I’m away from her, I never would have believed that writing all the things I want to say to her would give me so much clarity.
Reaching for the picture that has fallen on the bed, I commit it to memory. I know that I have my work cut out for me. She ran from me, which was going to be a feat in itself, and now she has a son to think about. I know that single moms are hesitant to let men get close to their children for fear of them getting their hearts broken. I’ll have to work double time to show her that I’ll love them both without restriction for as long as there is breath in my lungs.
“Hey, Hudson.” Maria sits next to me where I’m leaning against a tree eating my lunch.
“Hi, Maria,” I greet her.
“So Peter says we’re going to end early today. I thought maybe we could hike to one of the falls.”
Her expression is hopeful, and I hate that I’m about to change that. Maria has been flirting with me for months, and so far, I’ve managed to avoid her. If I wasn’t so lost in thought thinking about Riley and the fact that in just a matter of weeks, according to Raven’s letter, she’s going to be giving birth, I might have seen this coming. I hate that I’m not going to be there for her. It’s been tearing me up inside. So much so that I’ve decided I’m going to talk to Rodney and Peter and see if I can get out of my contract early. I hate to flake on my commitment, but with each day that passes, the agony of not being with her, of not being able to be there for her during all of this, eats at me.
“Sorry, Maria. I’m seeing someone.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were single.”
“It’s complicated.” I grin. “Isn’t love always complicated?”
“Wow, so you love her?” She looks shocked that the words would pass my lips.
“Yeah, I love her.” And her son.
“Well, we could still go,” she offers.
“Thank you for the offer, but I don’t think so.”
“Come on. Is she the jealous type or something? Are you not allowed to have friends? Besides, she’s not here, is she?” She leans in a little closer and rests her hand on my thigh.
I stand, causing her hand to fall away. “I’m allowed to have friends. In fact, her sister is my best friend. She has no reason to be jealous of you or any other woman, not when she’s the only woman I see. And you’re wrong,” I tell her.
She tilts her head back to stare up at me. “About what?”
“She is here.” For a minute, she looks worried as her eyes dart around. I can see her wheels turning, thinking that she missed the fact that I’m dating someone she’s been working with. “She’s right here.” I place my palm flat against my chest over my heart. “She’s always right here.” Without another word, I turn and walk away. Tossing the remnants of my lunch into the trash, I get back to work.
A few hours later, we’re calling it a day. After packing up our tools, I head to the small shack that Rodney and Peter share and knock on the door. “Come in,” one of them calls out.
“Hey, Hudson. What’s up?” Rodney asks.
“I need to go home.”
He nods. “Okay. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I swallow hard. “My girl, she’s having a baby in a few weeks, and I need to be there.”
“I didn’t know you were going to be a father. Congrats, man,” he says, standing and offering me his hand to shake.
I take it and let his words wash over me. “The baby, he’s not mine, not yet anyway.”
“You lost me, buddy,” he says, eyeing me suspiciously.
“It’s a long story, but the short of it is I’ve loved her since I was a teenager. Her sister is my best friend, and we connected right before I left, but she got spooked. After I left, there was someone else, and he abandoned her and her baby.” I give him a minute to process it all. “You’re supposed to be there for the people you love,” I ramble on. “So yeah, I need to go be with my girl while she delivers our son.”
His brow furrows in confusion. “You just said he’s not yours.”
“He’s not my blood,” I explain. “But he’s my boy.” I see the moment understanding crosses his face.
“All right. How soon are we talking?”
“We have a little time, but I’m ready to go home.”
He nods. “Give me a few days. I’ll start the exit process.”
“Thank you.” I shake his hand again before turning and walking out. When I get to our shack, Clayton is freshly showered and lying on his bed.
“What’s up?”
“I’m going home.”
“What?” he asks, sitting up.
“Riley needs me.” It’s that simple. I know it’s not going to be easy for her to let me into her life. Hell, I’m not even sure she likes me at this point. I’ve been here for months, and not once have I heard from her. Sure, she’s had a lot going on, but then again, I didn’t write her either. At least not that she’s aware of.
“Did something happen?”
“No. But she’s pregnant and alone.”
“She has Raven and the rest of the gang. Raven said the guys helped her with the furniture and painting and stuff.”