Oh heavens above. Being here with him. Like this. It was like traveling to paradise for just a few minutes. And I didn’t want to return to earth.
But the fact was, reality had a grip on both of us and was already tugging us out of this perfect moment where just the two of us existed.
“I want to find a way for us to be together.” His whisper contained a desperation that planted my feet back on the ground and reminded me of the peril to both of us if anyone discovered how much we cared about each other. No, I hadn’t told him I loved him in return. I was still too scared to say the words. But in my deepest of hearts, I couldn’t deny that what I felt for him was love.
“We can’t let Bernhard find out.” Even now, I trembled at the prospect of a servant opening the door and discovering me with Gunnar.
He brushed his cheek against mine once more. “That’s why I was with the woman last time I left—”
“I know. Nanna told me.” All I wanted was to wrap my arms around him and never let him go, despite my fears.
“I regret that I led her on and deceived you. While I blame it on my desire to protect you, I have no excuse.”
“I understand now, and I forgive you.”
He pressed a kiss against my ear.
The touch sent delight shimmying over my skin.
“After this morn, there are rumors that Bernhard has taken notice of you.”
I shuddered. I regretted the outburst, but I’d been distraught. Only Gunnar’s presence with me now had been able to calm me.
“You must stay in the nursery,” he whispered against my temple. “Go nowhere and see no one until I’m able to work out a plan to get you away from here.”
“Away from here?”
“I intend to purchase your freedom from Bernhard, but I must do so without endangering Nanna or the rest of your kin.”
I’d only thought about what Bernhard would do to Gunnar and hadn’t considered the ramifications to my family. But Gunnar was right. We had to worry about them too. If we angered Bernhard, he wouldn’t hesitate to harm the people we loved in order to make us do his bidding. In fact, I suspected if Gunnar revealed his interest in me now, Bernhard would only desire me all the more.
“Any hope for a future between us seems impossible.”
“I will find a way.” He lifted a hand away from the wall, as though making ready to go. “I must.”
I clung to him, not ready for this moment to end.
“Let us be clear on one other item.” He pulled back enough to look in my face and trail a finger down my cheek.
My breath hitched at the tenderness of the caress. “What item?”
He made a path down my neck, ending at my collar bone. “You will stay here while I go after Frans.”
“I don’t know . . .”
He skimmed the length of my neck up to my chin, then to my lips. “I’m better trained and equipped to travel into the forest and find Frans than you.”
His touch distracted me—likely what he intended to do. In fact, knowing Gunnar, this had been his objective all along—cornering and disabling me in any way he could. And he’d done it. I was a puddle of melted tallow.
“I will bring Frans back.” He kept his finger pressed against my mouth as though to stop me from protesting. “But you must know, I have no wish for you to marry him. I never have and only encouraged it because I thought it was the honorable thing to do.”
“I have only encouraged it because I was selfish, and for that I owe him an apology I hope I’ll be able to give him.”
Gunnar’s blue eyes were dark without a star in sight, the most serious I’d ever seen them. “’Tis not fair to ask you to wait for me, for us, until we can be together. But I would wait a lifetime for you, if I must.”
My throat constricted with thick emotion. Instead of speaking—which would only sound desperate and incoherent—I pulled his finger away from my lips and rose to capture his mouth. I didn’t care if I was being too bold. I wanted him to know I would wait for him forever too.
As I offered him my kiss, he accepted, melding with me in a consuming moment that was much too short. Even as I started to wind my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss and embrace him longer, he broke the connection and set me away from him.
His gaze smoldered, but he took a large step backward, then another.
I had the urge to grab him, to force him to stay, to never leave me. But if anyone could rescue Frans, Gunnar could do it. I had to let him try.
“I refuse to say farewell.” He retreated several more steps toward the door. “If I don’t say farewell, then it won’t be.”
“You’ll be back by nightfall.”
“And if I’m not, I shall return on the morrow sometime.”
As his hand closed around the door handle, I clutched the wall to keep myself from running after him. Prolonging the parting would do neither of us any good.
His gaze swept over me slowly from head to foot, as though he was painting a picture to take with him. Then he turned, opened the door, and left without another word.
At the click of the door closing, I slid to the floor. A cry of both amazement and misery pushed for release, and I pressed my fist to my lips to hold it in.
Had Gunnar really declared his desire to be with me? After so many years of fighting this attraction, denying it, and trying to foster my animosity toward Gunnar, he’d eliminated all my defenses in but a few minutes’ time.
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, replaying his kisses, his whispers, and his declaration: You are the only maiden I’ve ever loved . . . You are and always will be the only maiden for me.
Was this real? Or was this another one of his ploys?
No matter what it was, I was totally and thoroughly ensnared and didn’t want to free myself. I wanted to be his, even if only for these few stolen moments. Maybe that made me a weak woman. But the alternative was worse—living without him at all.
Perhaps eventually he’d be able to find a way to outsmart Bernhard so that we could love each other openly without consequences to ourselves and my family. But even if I had to live the rest of my life secretly loving Gunnar, I knew I would.
Chapter
15
Mikaela
I didn’t see or hear from Gunnar again, but the rumors circulating through the castle reached me by eventide that he’d gone into the forest to aid Frans.
I received the news as calmly as I could but hadn’t been able to hide my shaking hands from Nanna. She raised her brow at me but didn’t say anything, for which I was grateful. After she’d forbidden me to have any further interactions with Gunnar, I didn’t want her to know I’d kissed him again and had practically pledged myself to him.
At some point, I needed to tell her I couldn’t go through with marrying Frans. But first Gunnar had to find Frans. Although Gunnar had assured me that he would bring Frans out, I was under no illusion his task would be easy, since Frans already had a six-to-eight-hour head start.
“Finish the last bite, Renate,” I said as I scraped the final spoonful of the thick stew. She and Rikissa sat at the table in their chamber where they took most of their meals. When they turned sixteen, they would start eating in the great hall and begin the process of mingling with suitors in preparation for their coming-of-age balls. Until then, Nanna and I were in charge of their meals and manners.