So, I threw my arms around his neck. “Oh my God, West!”
“I know. I know,” he gushed. He put me back on my feet and stared down at me. So much unsaid in that look. “We’re leaving tomorrow.”
“T-tomorrow,” I gasped. “Like, in the morning?”
“Early afternoon.”
My stomach took a nosedive. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had to tell him. I couldn’t hold this in forever. He needed to have all the information before he left. As much as I wanted to contain all of it, I knew that I couldn’t. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.
I wanted to cry.
But I couldn’t.
Not here, surrounded by all our friends, when he was alight with excitement.
“That’s incredible, West. This is everything you’ve ever wanted.”
He opened his mouth and then closed it. Finally, he nodded. “Yeah, a dream come true.”
I wanted to run away and not have to face this. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I’d known he was going back to LA. We’d agreed from the start, but it had changed. It had all changed. I didn’t know how to be okay with this anymore. I didn’t know how to fake it. But fake it was exactly what I had to do.
“Stay for one drink,” he pleaded. “I know you’re dead on your feet, but we can go home afterward.”
“Sure.”
I had a drink. I said hi to my brothers. I pretended that everything was okay.
The entire time, my brain spiraled and spiraled. It tried to find the right way to say this. The right way to approach this. But as soon as I came up with something, I discarded it entirely. There was no right way.
It would be better for him to leave and never know. Cleaner. Simpler.
And a lie.
I couldn’t lie to him.
We could lie to everyone else, but I refused to do it with him.
So, I finished my drink. I got West to my car and drove us home. He was in a deliriously upbeat mood. I couldn’t quite match it, but I was so tired. The alcohol had done nothing but bring me down.
As soon as we stepped inside, I kicked off the shoes I’d had on all day. Even for someone used to heels, my feet hurt. I sighed in relief, and then there was West, picking me up and carrying me to the couch. He sat down and massaged my aching feet.
I nearly burst into tears right there. I loved this man. There was literally no denying it. I loved him, and he was leaving.
“West,” I choked out.
He looked up at me, realizing that everything had just gotten very serious. He came to his feet and ran a hand back through his hair, making the longer strands flop back into his face. “We should talk.”
“We should.”
“You can go first.”
“Okay,” I whispered. I looked down at my hands, took a deep breath, and then uttered the words I’d wanted to say for so long. “West, I’ve fallen in love with you.”
He stood stock-still. He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me.
I couldn’t sit under that gaze any longer. It didn’t matter that he was still a foot taller than me. I felt like a kid while sitting. I hastily got to my feet and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Say something,” I ordered him.
“What do you want me to say?”
I laughed hoarsely. “I don’t know. Anything.”
“I’m leaving tomorrow.”
I took a step backward and swallowed. “I know.”
“You knew this was happening.”
“We knew you were going back to LA, but not when. Not so soon. It could have been in August. We could have had more time.”
“But that’s not what happened,” he said forcefully.
“I know it’s not,” I gasped. “You got the dream. You got what you wanted. But…what does that mean for us?”
He paced away from me and back. “I don’t know, Nora.”
“Because I can’t pretend that the last couple of months didn’t happen. I can’t lie and say that I don’t feel anything for you. I do. And I think you do, too.”
His jaw set. He wouldn’t admit it. He felt it. It couldn’t be possible for us to have gone through the exact same experience and not come out feeling the same on the other side of it. This whole thing had been real.
“Say it, West,” I demanded. “Say something.”
“What should I say that would make any of this easier?”
“Tell me the truth.” Tears came to my eyes. Fuck, why did I cry so easily? I could feel him slipping through my fingers, and there was nothing I could do about it. “Tell me you feel something.”
“I feel something,” he admitted roughly. “Of course I feel something. Is that what you wanted? It doesn’t make it any easier.”
“We can figure something out.”
“How?” he asked. “How can we fix it? You’re here. I’m going to be there.”
“Blaire and Campbell…”
West choked on a laugh. “Campbell is the biggest rockstar in the world, and Blaire has a job that she can do anywhere. Even for them, with nine years of love between them and a marriage, she’s still moving to LA with him because the long-distance is too hard.”
My eyes widened. “Blaire is moving there?”
“Not permanently, but yes.” His eyes were pleading with me. “Would you come to LA with me?”
I felt so young and stupid in that moment. “What would I do in LA, West?”
“You could work with an event planning firm in the city.”
“Do you know how competitive it is to get that kind of work there? Work that’s as good as what I’m doing here? I can’t go to LA on a hope that I’ll find a better job than the one I have here. On top of that, all my friends and family are here, too, except Campbell, who made his choice, and you, who is making the same choice.”
My words landed like a jab to the kidney.
West winced. He knew exactly what I’d gone through when Campbell first left. How broken I’d been after the death of our mother and then Campbell just up and leaving me all alone. I’d never quite gotten over my abandonment issues, and it didn’t look like it would be happening anytime soon.
“So, you’ll stay here, and I’ll go there. Just like we planned.”
“Neither of us planned this,” I shot back.
“The deal was that we would try this until I went back to LA.” His eyes hardened, as sharp as daggers. “You said I made my choice. So, I made it. You can’t expect me to give up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
“Of course not. I would never tell you to give up the band.”
“There’s no compromise here,” he said. “Neither of us will bend. You won’t leave, and I can’t stay. Not for you. Not for anyone.”
My heart crunched like broken glass being stepped on.
Why had I thought we could work this out? Why had I thought that love would be enough? When in my life had love ever been enough?
I’d loved my mom with all of my heart, and still, she’d chosen Campbell over the rest of our family. I’d loved Campbell, and he’d chosen LA. I’d loved August, and he’d chosen Tamara.
It tracked that when I fell in love again, I’d have my heart ripped out of my still-beating chest. Every person I’d ever held on to picked someone else over me. I’d thought that I was moving on from it. West had shown me how to move on, but he was a new source of the same problem.