“Mind if I come in?” She’d rather talk now before Gray came back. She wasn’t entirely sure what to say, but she assumed a conversation with him would go much better than it had with Gray and Seth.
Beckett lifted his head and looked over at her. “Of course.” His voice was raw and raspy as if he’d been yelling, but she didn’t take him for the type to have a shouting match with the wall.
“I know it’s not easy for you to stay here instead of going to get Elaina and Emily. I’m sorry.”
“I guess I should’ve expected some animosity from Gray.” He remained seated, and she wasn’t sure if she ought to risk joining him.
The last time they were together on a bed . . . well, the man had more than delivered. She didn’t trust her body to not respond around him. She didn’t have control over the feelings he provoked. But more than that, her guard kept crashing down when he was near.
“Gray’s stubborn,” she responded as if he hadn’t guessed as much.
“That makes two of us,” he tossed back with a self-deprecating smile.
She turned, giving him her profile as her nerves bested her. But at the feel of Beckett’s fingers skimming the side of her hand, she faced him.
Beckett wrapped his hand around hers, and that firm, masculine touch had her eyes closing. He guided her to the bed, and she sat next to him, not ready to look him in the eyes. “This okay? Gray’s still gone, but I’m not quite sure of the rules.”
He kept hold of her hand as she opened her eyes and looked his way, but within a second, he understood she was on the verge of breaking into a hundred pieces.
He turned on the bed and palmed her cheek with his free hand. “What happened? Did someone say something?” he said darkly, his pupils dilating a touch.
Dilated pupils, didn’t Ecstasy do that? Impact mood. Desire. Mimic the natural emotions that were now on full display from Beckett.
The case. I need to focus. That drug . . .
Worry clung to his dark eyes as he asked, “Did someone hurt you?”
“Does emotional damage count?”
“That’s the worst kind for me.” His honesty and lack of hiding behind some manly concept of needing to be tough twenty-four seven was humbling. And appreciated. “What’s wrong?”
“So many things.” She frowned and let go of a sigh as he leveled her with a hard look, one that said he’d hurt anyone who’d so much as upset her.
He smoothed the back of his hand along her cheek, and her lids fluttered closed once again. The way he touched her, the way he seemed to know what she needed and how she needed it was just . . .
“When I’m confused or unsure about something, I call Levi’s dad,” she confessed, her body trembling as she shared something no one else knew. Well, no one aside from her therapist, who’d first recommended the idea two years ago. “Not Seth. I mean his birth father, Matt. The man who never had a chance to see Levi born because he died. Roadside bomb.”
She scooched a bit closer to him, their knees bumping in the process. And he squeezed her hand with his other one, a gentle and reassuring, I’m here for you.
“I was a Military Intelligence officer and had tried out for one of the Cultural Support Teams. I made it and was later attached to a group of Green Berets. I deployed to Afghanistan whenever they did,” she slowly shared. “Matt was one of the guys I worked with, and we became friends. Totally platonic. It was never like that.” She took a few breaths, working up to the next part. “One night, we were both feeling pretty shitty about life. The war. Everything. And we . . . you know.” She didn’t need to spell it out for him. “It was a mistake. Also, forbidden. And the next day, we both agreed it’d never happen again.”
The fact Beckett was still holding her hand through this meant more to her than she could put into words. She felt his compassion in his touch and not a flinch in the way of judgment.
“Six weeks later, I realized I was pregnant. Matt barely had time to process the news because a day later, he was ordered to roll out on an op. A target package my team had put together was given the green light by the higher-ups. It was my intelligence that put him on the road that day.” A sharp, stabbing pain filled her abdomen as she recalled the moment she’d learned an IED had killed Matt and severely wounded another guy on the team.
“You know this, but I need to say it anyway—it wasn’t your fault.”
She knew that, yes. But it didn’t erase the horrible pit of guilt when that thought hit her at the start of each day. “Matt didn’t have any family. He grew up in foster care. Never adopted.”
“That’s not true. He had family. The military. And now, he still has family. He lives on through Levi.”
Her attempts to resist crying at his words failed. It was hard not to shed her emotions when Beckett framed her face with both palms, and a few tears fell freely.
“I leave him messages about Levi. Ask him for advice. I pay to have a number in service so I can do this. I know that sounds . . .”
“You amaze me, that’s all I know.” Beckett’s rough voice had her meeting his eyes, finding them glistening as if he might cry too.
“If I were amazing, I never would’ve married a man I didn’t love.” She still wasn’t sure if she had said yes to Seth’s proposal as one last act of rebellion against her father since her dad hated Seth. Or because she felt rushed to provide Levi with a role model growing up. “And I’m not sure if you heard Gray share this morning that he knows Seth cheated on me four years ago with one of my best friends.”
“You tell me what you want and when you want to. No rush.”
How’d she feel closer to Beckett in thirty-six hours than she ever had with Seth in all their years of marriage?
“Seth just told me he misses me. He wishes I was the person I am now when we were together. As if that’d have made a difference in our marriage. But he was drunk, so I’m sure he’s just confused.”
Beckett slanted his brows in surprise. “So, he proposed to your former best friend as a way to . . . what, make you jealous? Get you back?” He narrowed his eyes as if he didn’t understand how two plus two made four in this case.
“I don’t think so, but it wouldn’t matter. We’re done.” She let that sink in for a moment. “And Gray,” she began, realizing he needed to hear this one more time, even though she’d already told him as much. “He and I won’t be getting back together either.”
He quietly studied her, his hands on his lap now. She took the chance to rid herself of any remaining tears and stood. “Can I ask you something?”
She faced him, unsure what to do with her arms. There was so much tension there. Everywhere for that matter. “Sure.”
He slowly rose and removed his ball cap, a new one he must’ve grabbed from his suitcase since she was pretty sure he’d lost his other one in the jungle. “What do you want?”
“That’s easy.” She wet her lips and stared into his eyes, a sense of calm washing over her with his gaze pointed her way. “I want what I can’t have.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX